I don’t want to go to school: three stories with commentary

1. Daughter is afraid of bad grades

“My daughter should go to first grade. She was waiting for this, preparing, happily trying on a new form. But in July and August, she had to go to the duty group of the kindergarten, prepare for school with an unfamiliar teacher. She managed to beat off all the desire to study in a month. I don’t know if I criticized her or scared her with something, but now Nastya refuses to study, she doesn’t even want to draw in copybooks. He says that he will be a “double”. How to return motivation to a child, help not to be afraid of mistakes and bad grades?

Inga, 42 years old

“A preschooler still does not quite understand the meaning of grades”

Just the word “evaluation” evokes many different feelings in us. This is fear, and guilt, and pride, and disappointment, and trembling in the knees, and tension in the back. This is a sense of one’s own value, and the dependence of this value on adults with a pointer. A preschool child does not yet fully understand the meaning of grades, but somehow he knows that they can determine how “good” or “bad” he is, that grades can change the attitude towards him.

A parent is able, with his love and support, to change this knowledge, which means changing the child’s attitude to grades at school and in life in general. It is in your power not to turn “assessments” into an end in itself, into something on which the well-being and happiness of your daughter depends. It is in your power to make sure that studying at school becomes for her not a test that decides her fate, but an exciting experience of getting to know the world, its capabilities and needs.

Strong motivation always appears when there is interest. Try to captivate your daughter with a new life. Tell funny stories from your school past, share how interesting and important it was for you in the first grade to feel like an adult girl, not a preschooler, with a beautiful briefcase and a pencil case, how great it is to meet new guys. Even seeing the school building from the inside is curious. And also tell her that you love her always and in everything. And grades cannot affect your love and friendship.

2. Son is scared to meet a classmate

“My son is 8 years old and he absolutely refuses to go to school. Last year, when he was in the first grade, a terrible story happened: a boy from his class clung to him at recess (his son says that for no reason at all), waited for him after school, found a fragment of a bottle somewhere in the school yard and cut him the whole jacket. He even tried to strangle me, but the other guys got in the way.

We asked the teacher to deal with the parents of that boy, but we didn’t have time: spring break began, then isolation, summer … And now Igor rested against any: “I won’t go to school”, it comes to tantrums. In recent days, he began to complain about feeling unwell: his stomach hurts, his appetite disappeared. He doesn’t explain why, but I think it’s because of that incident. How can I help him overcome his fear?

Marina, 34 years old

“It is important for a child to know, see and feel that he is not alone, that there are strong loving adults next to him”

The first thing that is important to do to help your son is to acknowledge that he is still a child. A second-grader child who has suffered an attack and needs the help and protection of adults. Was he scared? Naturally. Was he able to defend himself in that situation? No. And hardly anyone at his age could. Such situations are resolved at the level of adults.

It is important for a child to know, see and feel that he is not alone, that next to him are strong loving adults who will protect and intercede where he is still powerless. I would recommend that you personally communicate with the parents of that boy so that your son can see how you support him and do not give offense. This will give him strength and confidence. If after that Igor refuses to go to school, you should think about changing it.

It wasn’t just a little fight at recess, it was an assault. And I would not underestimate the importance of this event in the life of a child. He needs to feel safe again. This may take time, understanding and support. It must be borne in mind that school for a child is, first of all, communication. In any communication, conflicts and misunderstandings are possible. It’s good if you find an opportunity from time to time to discuss with your child various difficult situations: why they happen, how to behave, how to make them happen less often.

Books and films can become reasons for such conversations. For example, Daniela Kunkel’s book “Little We at School” (Alpina Publisher, 2020) was recently published – it talks about what it means to be part of a big company and how difficult it is to be alone against everyone. And also about how important it is to be careful with each other, since casually thrown offensive words often hurt painfully.

3. I want to study at home, but my mother forbids

“I have been doing gymnastics for several years, the coach praises me. There are even medals for competitions. But it’s a long way to go to training – through the whole city, almost every day. I can’t do my lessons. As a result, it became worse to study, and my mother scolds me. He says: if you don’t fix the deuces, I’ll ban gymnastics. And I love sports and I don’t want to go to school, it’s a waste of time for me, I’m not interested there. I ask my mother to transfer me to home schooling, but she doesn’t even want to hear. What do i do?”

Ira, 11 years old

“As soon as the balance is disturbed, one of the areas always begins to suffer”

Giving you to professional sports, your mother, perhaps, did not fully realize the price of her choice. Firstly, it is a lot of time and effort invested, both yours and hers. Secondly, she might not have assumed that you would have to constantly look for a balance between sports, school and ordinary, everyday life. And as soon as the balance is disturbed, one of the areas always begins to suffer, for example, poor performance in school or not doing well in competitions, or lack of time for friends and, accordingly, moving away from them, or perhaps feeling that you have become a stranger among classmates .

Try to figure out with your mother what the reluctance to go to school is connected with. Is it just about learning? Or are there other reasons? Do you have friends in the class? How do your classmates and teachers treat you? And if everything is in order with all this, except for grades, then it is worth discussing homeschooling with your mother again – what scares her about it.

Try to tell your mom how you see such training. There is a lot of independence and responsibility in the home school, perhaps mom is afraid that you will not cope or that an additional burden will fall on her. Or maybe mom is worried about the quality of education and about your future admission to college. Chat with teachers who work with students in homeschooling, and with children who are successfully studying remotely. Let them share their experiences, talk about the pros and cons, the difficulties they have encountered, and the benefits of such training.