“A woman does not have to have children in order to feel happy”: for many, this phrase still sounds like the height of selfishness and stupidity. But what if for someone the absence of children is not only not a problem, but also a guarantee of a happy life?
Today a woman can be a mother and a professional at the same time. Sometimes her life is so full that she begins to perceive the unborn child as a ballast. It deprives you of peace, upsets your plans, brings to life a lot of unnecessary expenses and inconveniences. Many allow themselves to talk about it out loud.
For example, childfree (eng. «free from children») — men and women who deliberately abandoned children. On women’s forums, you can meet aggressive supporters of this trend, they experience real hatred for children — most often the result of deep personal complexes.
But most childfrees get along well with nephews and children of friends. For various reasons, they simply do not see themselves as parents. Sometimes that decision can change, as in the case of musician and double-daddy Robbie Williams.
Family psychotherapist Elena Ulitova is sure that most women have a need for motherhood and it is not worth making a tragedy because someone simply does not want to give birth.
“Happiness is when a person feels fulfilled in all areas of life that are significant to him. And it is important that each of these areas has its own. What games did you like to play as a child — daughter-mother, artist, astronaut, doctor? Imagine that a mother decides: a girl should only play mother-daughter. Well, her daughter is not interested in this game! And they tell her: do not believe your feelings, every woman should become a mother.
Needless to say, a woman can be needed not only for a child
In my practice, there were women who refused to have children, at least for the foreseeable future. And they felt completely happy when they realized what their “favorite games” were. The result of psychotherapy in this case is the opportunity to choose. Sometimes it is the destruction of a rigid program. Is it good for society? Probably still good. A happy society is made up of happy citizens.”
Raising a child is a job like any other, you can be successful in it or not. Not all women really love children, even those who have them. So is it worth it to give birth if you don’t want to, just because you “have to” or “it will be too late”? Will such a woman succeed as a mother, will she be happy?
Elena is an experienced mother and is sure that it is not the child himself who makes a woman happy, but the feeling of being needed: “In the first years of a baby’s life, the mother understands that the baby cannot do without her. She needs her child 24 hours a day. Even with all the trouble, it brings true happiness.
But children grow up, and any mother can feel devastated. It creeps up on me now, when my daughter has become a teenager. I think that’s why most women begin to demand grandchildren from their children — in order to re-experience a sense of significance. But needless to say, a woman can be needed not only for a child.
If she is an actress, the audience needs her, if she is a writer, her readers need her, if she is a doctor, her patients need her. At the same time, for happiness, she may not need children at all. I think that this is quite normal. Only when a woman is no longer needed does she become unhappy.”
“I know women who felt miserable while raising children. Their relationship with their children improved markedly as soon as they began to understand their own needs and desires and satisfy them. For this, it is not at all necessary to abandon children. You just need to pamper yourself sometimes just like your beloved child, ”adds Elena Ulitova.
To be happy means not just to give birth, but to feel harmonious in this role.
Of course, motherhood can be combined with a career or creativity, if you really want to — such examples are also known to everyone. Angelina Jolie is a mother of many children and a sought-after actress.
Jungian psychology calls to pay attention to the word «happiness» in Russian. It is the combination of parts into a whole. Therefore, happy is a person who has overcome internal conflicts, who has known his different sides.
“Procreation is not only a biological and socially imposed destiny of a woman. Most women see it as their moral and spiritual duty, says Jungian psychoanalyst Lev Khegay. — Modern society allows the realization of a woman through symbolic «children»: creativity, business and other fruits of activity.
However, the inability to bear children is perceived by some women as a fatal deformity. This can be compared with disability, when a person does not have a leg or arm. The study of the inferiority complex can save a woman from suffering due to the absence of children.
As a result of psychotherapy, a woman may decide that in the near future she will be better off without children, or, on the contrary, change her point of view in their favor. The key word here is «choice». Perhaps only trust in ourselves and the right choice can make us happy.