Contents
There are many reasons to make love without much desire. However, oddly enough, sometimes even dubious motives do not exclude pleasant surprises.
…make up in bed
Sometimes the motivating reason for sex is the fear of being left in a state of quarrel with a partner. We strive to find intimacy that does not require words, to prove to ourselves that nothing irreparable has happened, to whip up intimate relationships …
The aggressiveness that is released during an argument continues to circulate in the couple and can easily be transformed into sexual energy. The feeling that we are about to lose a partner can act as a stimulant. Such reconciliations are not a problem, unless, of course, they happen too often.
However, when this wordless way of resolving conflicts is used constantly, there is a great risk that the couple will live in an atmosphere of hidden aggression, which will gradually poison the relationship. In the end, this can result in a big and uncontrollable quarrel. Ideally, before putting up on the pillow, you should take the time to express your reproaches in a calm manner. So that everyone can heal the wounds inflicted on his self-esteem.
Such a manifestation of aggressiveness, devoid of the toxic component of unspoken grievances, can become a real dope for sexual relations.
…please your partner
If you have sex only when this desire arises simultaneously for both partners, then the number of sexual contacts per year can be counted on the fingers. And there is nothing reprehensible in giving pleasure to another when you yourself do not really want it. Provided that the union of two is not built on strength and submission.
When the motive «to please the other» becomes the main driving force of sexual relations, they turn into a sacrifice, painful, but at the same time convenient, since it allows you to bypass the issue of missing attraction.
This desire should be treated with caution even when it is dictated by hidden hostility. Such a «gift» is too similar to alms, and the partner finds himself in the humiliating position of a petitioner. Giving pleasure to another is useful only when we ourselves receive sense gratification from it. In addition, our own desire is fueled, among other things, by the desire that another feels for us.
… get rid of guilt after cheating
In this classic version, which is characteristic of both men and women, there is a desire to downplay the significance of what happened and return to the usual course of events. And at the same time, to prove to ourselves that the betrayal was “not real” — since we are able to experience attraction to our regular partner.
When the pleasure of being close to him returns, the guilt goes away. Moreover, desire is often fueled by the awareness of the violation of the taboo, which adds spice to the relationship, and cheating becomes one of the components of sexual life.
Sex twice a day does not guarantee either sexual satisfaction or even fidelity of a partner.
But if the union is based on the fidelity of partners, the severity of guilt can outweigh the excitement caused by betrayal. If sex with a regular partner becomes a manifestation of the narcissistic need to feel «on top», and the motivation for it is a sense of duty, then sooner or later in such a pair, problems with desire will manifest themselves with painful acuteness.
… to keep him (or her)
Behind this desire lies fear, which is more common in women. How common it is is shown by the success enjoyed by books about a thousand and one erotic ways to keep a man. Alas, if it were enough to sort through all the poses of the Kama Sutra to forever exclude any thoughts of treason, then a copy of this book would lie in every family in a place of honor.
But, as we know, the most powerful aphrodisiac is desire. Free, capricious, elusive — so fragile and therefore so precious. The quality of sexual relations is not determined by quantitative indicators. And sex twice a day does not guarantee either sexual satisfaction, or even fidelity of a partner.
In this deliberate passion, his unconscious will pick up signals of fear and uncertainty — and they really kill desire. Don’t forget: giving in to keep, you can lose sight of yourself.
…just relax
Sex is also one way to relieve stress. We experience pleasure largely due to endorphins — hormones that cause a feeling of euphoria. Orgasm in most cases brings a feeling of lightness and emptiness. Problems can arise if the partner feels that the other is using his body only for his own discharge. Sensual rapprochement, massage, caresses, even sleeping together — all this makes it possible to please each other without treating the partner as an object. And to go further or not, everyone decides for himself.
About the Author: Brigitte Martel, Member of the Board of Directors of the School of Gestalt Paris, bestselling author of Sexuality, Love and Gestalt, Speech, 2006.