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Sometimes we realize that the family script and behavior patterns adopted among our loved ones do not suit us. We feel cramped within these narrow limits, and we go out in search of those whom we would like to emulate. How to choose the right role model, what can we learn from others, and why should we not mindlessly copy someone else’s image?
Sometimes it seems to us that we live like in a movie and its script is extremely familiar to us. And not in vain: our life script is based on early childhood experiences caused by psychological trauma, parental attitudes, their ideas about “possible” and “impossible”. This plan includes some unconscious schemes, instructions on how to act in order to survive. It also contains an idea of parental role models: mom behaved with dad in a certain way, and the child unconsciously repeats the patterns of loved ones.
We grow up, time goes by, and those schemes that worked in the past are no longer relevant today. What suited our parents can only interfere with us. Children’s panties begin to press, squeeze, because we grow out of them. And growing and changing, a person is forced to adjust his behavior. So the crab changes the shell, the walls of the stomach, esophagus and intestines. To grow further, he needs to get rid of his former forms, otherwise he will simply die.
Not always parental behavior can serve as a good example for us. Many of my clients tell me how they notice that they behave like their own mothers. But they did not like it so much in childhood! They said to themselves: “I will never be like her …” And now they repeat after their mother exactly. Feel disgusted, but repeat.
The fulcrum in such a situation becomes a new role model outside of their usual environment, the search for which can take time.
Saying goodbye to a negative scenario and ineffective role models, a person seems to say goodbye to parental authority. The role set at the time by the family system ceases to be relevant: «I no longer want to be like them.»
This is a painful process, because the old world is destroyed, and the new one has not yet formed. Having cut the “umbilical cord” with his own hands, a person understands: parents are ordinary people. Not gods, but not monsters either. From whom now to take an example? What to build on the site of the wreckage?
Often, at the exit from the scenario, a person feels confused: his very old personality is destroyed, but there is no new one yet. He discovers something new for himself, the whole world brings him surprises. Who will inspire, infect with new meanings, lead to a wide road?
The fulcrum in such a situation becomes a new model found outside the familiar environment. And her search may take some time. How to understand what is right for you? How to understand the abundance and variety of new roles?
1. Look for people who like you and show you the qualities you want.
When you find such a person, answer yourself at least three questions:
- Why does this person inspire me?
- What message does he carry, convey with his actions?
- What qualities would I like to learn from him? What could he learn from him?
One of my role models was a music teacher. I admired her pedantry, attention to detail, I liked the way her hands looked, and, of course, I was inspired by her love for music.
Excellent models may be very close, or you have to look for them. Books, magazines, cinema sometimes come to the rescue. Make time for this search. To have a role model means to inspire yourself to something bigger and better. These people will be able to give an excellent impetus to action and even become teachers for us.
2. Master other qualities, completely new and unusual
When studying other people, look for something that you can say: “I definitely don’t have this, but I would like to have it.” For example, if you are categorical and strict, try to master softness and indecision. Those who are distinguished by a lightning-fast reaction to what is happening will benefit from learning to think longer about decisions.
One of my clients suffered from the fact that she still did not come across «the same man.» Her usual model of interaction with men was as follows: actively attract the attention of everyone around, and then choose among those who reacted. I called this model like this: “We choose from what we have”.
In such a case, the chances of finding “the one” are small, because “what is” may not be suitable at all. And the client in this model took a kind of passive and disinterested position: «They chose me themselves.»
It is difficult to master the opposite model, but the diversity of our qualities gives us more life opportunities and makes the personality more complete.
I suggested that she learn a new model: stop attracting everyone, because not everyone is needed, but “the one”. Therefore, it will be more efficient to immediately look for “the one”, showing activity and interest. The transition to an active role always pays off.
Another client had a similar situation: he wanted to meet a caring and attentive hostess, and only infantile dragonflies paid attention to him. But if a man wants to see a lady in the role of a «caring aunt», he must demonstrate his disorder, inability to live and at the same time emphasize the attractiveness of the woman he meets. And my client demonstrated exactly the opposite — his success, independence, wealth, which attracted those who wanted to share with him the joy and bonuses from life with him, but did not want to take care of him.
The role we have chosen assumes appropriate behavior, to which others will respond appropriately.
It is difficult to master the opposite model, but the diversity of our qualities gives us more life opportunities and makes the personality more complete.
3. Get to know the real life of your chosen model
This is especially important if the model you choose is a public figure. Keep in mind that you are only familiar with her image. Try to explore and find out not only that part of the person that is intended for the public, but also that which is hidden behind the scenes.
Often, information about failures, mistakes, difficulties in the lives of others inspires us much more than knowing about its successes.
4. Find values that are close to you
When choosing a model, pay attention to personal values so that your recognition and admiration do not run into excuses, reservations and discounts.
5. Remember: the role model is a sketch, a guide, not you.
This is not blind copying and imitation, but a map of new qualities that you want to develop in yourself. Playing the role of the “other”, we absorb and appropriate what we like about it. And after a while this quality becomes «ours». After all, if we found a “good” example, why not appropriate it for ourselves?
And after a while, you can create your own set of role models for all occasions in order to consciously use a variety of styles of behavior and response to solve various life problems.