One in five women in the US does not become a biological mother, and poet Christina Reiter is one of them. In a TED talk with over 3,8 million views, she explained her position. Here is an abridged version of her speech.
I realized quite early the roles assigned to me by society. In our culture, a woman is supposed to not just have children, she must want them. In truth, no one is particularly interested in your desires — everyone is simply stating a fact: “that’s when you get married”, “when you have children” …
I always knew that I didn’t want children, and I tried to explain this to adults, but in response I only heard: “You will change your mind.”
But I didn’t change my mind and continued to listen from others: “Does your husband know about this? And parents? What, you don’t want a family? Don’t want to leave anything behind?» And this, my favorite: “But this is pure selfishness!”
That said, there are plenty of reasons why women refuse to have children, and most of them have nothing to do with the fact that they want to live for themselves (as if there is something bad in it), but they still continue to be stigmatized and blamed for this. choice.
When I was young and regularly heard that motherhood is an essential function of a woman, no one told me that there was a risk of passing on any disease to the child, or that some women had to forgo medication during pregnancy, on which they depended. life, and about the threat of overpopulation and lack of mothers’ access to the necessary resources, and that in fact only in the US 415 children live in foster families. And that these factors can become key for women who decide not to have children.
All these reasons proved to be weighty for me, and since I do not like to leave things to chance, I once decided on a surgical sterilization procedure — tubal ligation. Before that, I collected as much information as possible: I was interested in the consequences, statistics, risks.
At first, what I learned was incredibly inspiring to me. I thought that there were very few women like me, but it turned out that every fifth woman in our country does not become a biological mother: some by virtue of their own choice, others because of circumstances.
But the more I read, the more upset I got. For many women, this procedure cost a lot of money and nerves. Doctors treated many with disdain or contempt, and many were denied an operation: “When you get married, give birth to at least one, come and talk.” But, what is most interesting, women who gave birth were also refused, citing the fact that they were still too young.
I carefully prepared for the conversation with the doctors. Personally, my position seemed convincing to me: I had just received a master’s degree and was going to graduate school, it was a balanced decision and it was preceded by a rigorous analysis, my partner, with whom we had been together for five years by that time, understood and supported me.
Nevertheless, the very first meeting turned into a real interrogation with passion. At first it seemed that the doctor just wanted to understand my situation better, but in reality he was only trying to “catch” me and “convict” God knows what.
And the question is “Well, yes, the current partner supports you, but what if you fall in love with another man who wants children?” put me in a rut. I was supposed to give up my desires and everything I believe in if a new man wants to have children? ..
And, of course, the question was inevitably raised whether I am not afraid one day, in 20 years, to regret my decision. To which I replied that even if I regret it, I will find a way to solve this problem: to start a family, biology is not needed. And, in the end, it’s better to wake up one day and regret that you never had a baby than to get up every day with the thought that I am the mother of children I was not ready for, and now I have to take care of them. Because in this case, not only I would suffer, but also an innocent child, his psyche, development …
In general, everything was not limited to one consultation. I had to meet with doctors again and again (once — with five in an hour!), answer their questions and endure such treatment as if I were an unreasonable child and did not know what I was doing. Over and over again I heard “You will change your mind” — but still I got my way.
Only after going through this hell, I realized how much this program is sewn into the subcortex. Doctors, colleagues, relatives, friends, just strangers were not able to separate the role of a woman from the role of a mother. I have always believed and continue to believe that motherhood is an addition to the role of a woman, but by no means its main characteristic. And, in my opinion, the value of a woman cannot be determined by the mere fact of whether she gave birth to someone or not.
Giving life to another person is certainly an amazing opportunity, but one cannot say that this is the purpose and main goal of a woman’s life.
It’s hard to resist pressure. It is hard to refuse to be labeled (and with them the corresponding roles, functions and responsibilities) with which you do not agree. But if you feel that you have a different path, follow it to find happiness and inner harmony.
Be a happy mother, enjoy communication with your child, build a family, but only if you really want to.