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Some of us remember nothing about our childhood, either good or bad. Perhaps such forgetfulness is a protection from the past? And is it necessary in this case to return the lost memories?
“My brother is happy to talk about how we built huts in the country, recalls our disputes, and quarrels, and how, secretly from our parents, we fed a stray dog … I don’t have any memories,” 34-year-old Elizabeth is surprised .
Psychophysiologist Yuri Grinchenko recalls that the brain records everything that happens to us: «This information continues to be stored and does not disappear anywhere.» What are the reasons for such amnesia?
1. Hurt experiences
“The inability to remember, as a rule, is not associated with memory loss, but with an unconscious desire to forget the past,” explains child psychoanalytic psychologist Natalia Zueva. — Forgetfulness protects against moments of shame or humiliation experienced in childhood, feelings of grief or acute loneliness. It also protects from pleasant sensations that are prohibited.
Thus, for example, the forbidden excitement experienced during the game with a brother or sister can be “forgotten”, and with it the game itself, and the whole day, and sometimes a more significant period of time, goes into darkness. If such a memory comes up, it will lead to hurtful experiences in the present.
2. Conscious refusal
The refusal to remember can be quite conscious if a person, for one reason or another, wants to cross out a certain period from life.
“Until the seventh grade, I was a real outsider,” recalls 30-year-old Yulia. “Then we moved, and at the new school, where no one knew me, I firmly decided that I would not allow anyone else to mistreat me. I erased the previous seven years of my life from memory and started all over again.
Reclaiming our memories, we restore our integrity
As psychoanalyst Virginie Meggle explains, “Those who avoid their memories are not ready to recognize in themselves the child they once were and who still lives in them. They are afraid that, having allowed the past to come to life, they will find there instead of themselves a different, unpleasant creature. It’s really just a scared child who needs love.»
3. The power of family rules
Another reason for «forgetfulness» is the rules of behavior adopted in the family.
“When there are secrets and secrets in the house, the child learns, by watching the elders, not to ask questions about the past, which means not to have a memory,” says Natalia Zueva. “He involuntarily obeys these rules of communication and applies them, intentionally or out of habit, to his own past.” The zone of silence, for example, may include information about relatives who have been imprisoned, about previous marriages of parents, illegitimate children or illnesses …
However, “each of us is the story of our life,” emphasizes Natalia Zueva. “And if we delete something from it, then we live only a part of ourselves and cannot perceive the world in its entirety.” By regaining our memories, we restore our integrity.
What to do?
Be more attentive to your emotions
“An event or experience in the past can cause such severe pain that you involuntarily try not to remember it,” says Natalia Zueva. — Try to find the boundaries of the forgotten. Ask yourself: what causes strong feelings? These emotions may be related to the current situation, or maybe they have already met in the past. When, why? The goal is to gradually trace the origin of negative emotions back to childhood.”
Return to places of childhood
“Relive memories with the help of associations,” Yuri Grinchenko suggests. “They can be caused by objects preserved from childhood, toys or books … If you succeed, visit the places where you grew up.” Watch the kids. At the sight of a little girl crying on a snowy hill while others ride down it, does your heart clench? The meaning of this experience will be revealed to you if you look into your own childhood.
Listening to others’ stories about their childhood and being sensitive to your own feelings that arise during these stories, advises Virginie Meggle. Often it is enough to start an exchange of cases from life, and something is remembered. She recommends moderate reliance on family sources: «This is not an objective account of events, they can be interpreted and explained at their discretion.»
But even such a subjective presentation helps us fill in the gaps in our history, Natalia Zueva believes. Especially if we manage to ask ourselves questions or compare different versions. Gradually expanding the past, we begin to accept ourselves more.