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Of course, the gap is more difficult for the one who is left. But for those who decide to leave, it is not so easy. Experts offer several recommendations to help soften the blow and leave with dignity.
“I think that we need to leave”, “I’m leaving you”, “Our relationship has become obsolete” … It is difficult for most to say something like that. We understand that the partner will suffer, and we do not want to act as a tormentor. You can try not to hurt and not infringe on his dignity.
Tell the truth but don’t be cruel
It’s important to explain why they decided to break up with him, says family therapist and author of The Breakup Bible, Rachel Sussman: “Working with clients who have been left by their partners, I see that they suffer the most when they don’t understand the reasons.” Ideally, the reason shouldn’t come as a surprise to him if you’ve talked about the problem and tried to deal with it before, adds Sussman.
You need to explain the decision, agrees psychologist Guy Winch, author of How to Heal a Broken Heart, but this does not mean that you can lay out all your complaints and complaints, even if he assures that he is ready to listen.
It’s better to talk about yourself: “This is too hard for me, it’s hard for me to endure it,” rather than blaming a partner
It is better to focus on the main reason, and listing down to the smallest detail everything that you are dissatisfied with is pointless, this will only drag out a painful explanation. You also need to carefully choose the words, the expert adds: “It’s better to talk about yourself: “It’s too hard for me,” “It’s hard for me to endure it,” rather than blaming the partner. What you personally think is terrible, objectively may not be so. It’s only bad for you.”
Don’t try to soften the blow with general phrases like “We can still be friends” or “I’m going through a tough time in my life right now.” They leave a chance that over time the relationship can still improve, Guy Winch explains. Do not hint at such a possibility if you are sure that it will not happen.
Explain face to face
Both psychologists believe that it is better to talk about a breakup in person, showing delicacy and maturity. And certainly not in a public place.
“The one who is announced about the breakup can be deafened, shocked, and in this state he will still need to somehow get home, this is a terrible situation,” says Wins. It’s best to talk to him at his house, not yours. If the explanation takes too long, you can get up and leave. Yes, and for those who are left, it will be easier to survive this news in their native walls.
Although there are a few exceptions, Winch says, if you have reason to fear for safety. You can get by with a telephone conversation if you met for a short time. And SMS, if we saw each other only once or twice. But even in this case, it is better to say at least something than to disappear without saying goodbye.
Don’t throw words
Dumping a partner and then changing your mind is to confuse the situation and make it more painful. This happens a lot, notes Rachel Sussman. “Before you announce the breakup, understand yourself,” she says. “It can help keeping a diary, a frank conversation with someone from friends or relatives, meeting with a psychotherapist.”
It may seem humane to occasionally call an ex to maintain friendly contact after a breakup, but it’s not.
You need to get your thoughts in order first. You may find it difficult to stay in a relationship until you’ve made up your mind, but that’s the lesser of two evils, adds Guy Winch. “You don’t need to announce a breakup as soon as this thought came to your mind. Making a decision is a process, you need to be sure that the decision is right.”
If you decide, don’t delay explaining or act like you’re already free. “Some people make the mistake of starting a new relationship without finishing the old one,” says Rachel Sussman. – It seems to them that it is imperative to have a “plan B”, that in this way they increase the distance with a partner. Or unconsciously want to be caught cheating. But if the relationship with a partner involves monogamy, cheating hurts the most.”
Let him decide whether to communicate or not
It might seem humane to call your ex from time to time to maintain friendly contact after a breakup, but that’s not the case. The one who was abandoned should decide whether to continue communication, experts are sure. “It’s better to take a break and if you resume contact, then only when both leave the past behind,” says Rachel Sussman.
According to Guy Winch, at least three months should pass. Although most of those who follow this rule prefer not to communicate. Anyone who decides to break off a relationship must be prepared for this and give the former partner the right to live their own lives.
Source: Time