I don’t like other people’s children

“I don’t like talking to children,” admits 28-year-old Maria. “I can’t behave naturally with them, I tense up and feel uncomfortable. Although I understand that this is wrong … “

Clinical psychologist Tatyana Voskresenskaya reflects: “Modern Western society imposes certain obligations on children. Whereas tribal communities do not require love for other people’s offspring, and many animals are also indifferent or even hostile to him. Socially prescribed tenderness and reproaches in the absence of it often cause only protest and irritation … “

I’m too old

“In different circumstances, our “I” can be in one of three states,” explains transactional analyst Vadim Petrovsky. We behave either like one of our parents; either as the child we were in the past; or as the adult they have become.

Someone who is uncomfortable in the presence of other people’s children is probably in the Adult ego state. He restrains manifestations of the childish part of his personality, such as spontaneity and emotionality. For example, because they were not encouraged by his loved ones in childhood. It is also possible that he did not have before his eyes an example of how a caring parent behaves, and he was not able to develop this side of the personality in himself.

When meeting with other people’s children, he either, contrary to his intention, slips into the position of the Child, entering into children’s games, or retains the position of the Adult, taking on a serious look. And in the role of the Parent, he feels out of place.

“Unconsciously, he resists giving what he did not receive himself, and even envies an overly spoiled child,” continues Vadim Petrovsky. “If at the expense of his own child he fills in his own gaps (“let at least my son (daughter) get what I didn’t receive”), then other people’s children cannot help in this or represent an unpleasant reminder.”

I’m afraid of exposure

Unlike most adults, children are natural and frank in their manifestations: they can cry loudly, be indignant, laugh out loud, look at us point-blank, do everything that is considered indecent and ugly. Whereas we follow the rules, control behavior, hide immediate desires – sometimes even from ourselves.

“The key to discomfort in the company of children is often that we are trying to hide something, such as real feelings,” explains Tatyana Voskresenskaya. – At the same time, we guess that the children see through us, as they usually do, and can put us in an awkward position: “This aunt is evil!” And if we can still shout at our child, then we cannot force someone else to be silent.

I am aware of my imperfection

Next to someone else’s child, we are more aware that as parents we are not perfect, explains psychotherapist Christine Brunet: baby as ill-bred, noisy, naughty … “

The logic is this: someone else’s child behaves badly, which means that his parent is raising him incorrectly, and we are raising our own differently. In this case, dislike for other people’s children is a manifestation of the fragility of our self-esteem, the desire to find confirmation that we are doing everything right.

What to do?

Come to terms with your childish self

“Be generous to yourself,” advises Vadim Petrovsky. – Remember what children’s activities can please you: swings, soap bubbles, ice cream, cartoons … and do not deny yourself this, no matter how “stupid” it may seem at first glance.

Reclaim your naturalness

We try not only to behave as expected, but also to feel …

“What for? – asks Tatyana Voskresenskaya. Maybe you should let yourself go? As members of society, in behavior we follow the rules adopted in it, but our emotions belong only to us. If we allow ourselves to live real, and not “supposed” feelings, then we will experience noticeable relief, and the child will have more confidence in us.”

Accept your imperfection

“Are you afraid of being judged by others? Why are you so sensitive about possible criticism of your parenting method? Try to find the answers to these questions to get to know yourself better,” suggests Christine Brunet. And don’t try to be the perfect parent. Accept the fact that you are an ordinary father or an ordinary mother and do everything you can for your child.