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They are designed to please our ego and satisfy our need for recognition from others. However, for some people, compliments cause a feeling of embarrassment and even irritation. What explains this inability to accept praise in his address?
“When people praise me, I feel embarrassed both for myself and for the person who makes the compliment,” admits 31-year-old Olga. “It seems to me that he speaks insincerely, as if he pities me. After all, I know that I can’t do anything really well, even if I try very hard.
Olga’s conviction clearly contradicts her real achievements: she graduated from a prestigious university, knows two foreign languages and is successfully pursuing a career in a large company. However, her words are not feigned modesty.
Diffidence
“Like most people who don’t like compliments, Olga lacks self-confidence,” explains psychoanalyst Mikhail Romashkevich. – Compliments are the equivalent of parental admiration for a child, a manifestation of their unconditional acceptance and love. If the parents never praised the child or constantly criticized him, he will form the conviction that he is not capable of anything, and if he succeeds, then by chance, and there is no merit in this.
As adults, such “underpraised” children perceive any praise as hypocrisy, compliments give rise to anxiety and guilt in them (“I do not correspond to such an assessment”). Doubts about the degree of one’s competence are a typical feature of an insecure person. No matter how successfully the work on the next project ends, Olga will reproach herself, for example, that she lacks professionalism. “I am always dissatisfied with myself,” she says, “and behind the compliments I hear a hint that as a professional I am not worth much.”
Fear of success
“My father never made so much money”, “My mother could not afford such outfits” – thoughts are typical for those who experience neither joy nor pride from their achievements – only a feeling of guilt. Often such people are convinced that they have no right to achieve more success in the profession than their parents. Psychoanalysts call these feelings “success neurosis” and believe that they are largely associated with childhood experiences.
“Compliments give rise to a psychological conflict between the ability to enjoy one’s achievements and guilt towards less fortunate relatives,” says Mikhail Romashkevich. – The inner voice of such a person, his “Super-I”, as if says that he has no right to surpass them. He may feel like a traitor if he rejoices in success. Perhaps the fact is that in childhood his parents inspired him that life is suffering, and decent people achieve everything by hard work and sacrifice pleasures for the well-being of loved ones.
“I thought I would disappoint everyone”
Irina, 35 years old, designer
“When someone praised my work, I was terribly embarrassed: I wanted to disappear, evaporate, because I was convinced that these kind words had nothing to do with me. And either she tried to transfer the conversation to another topic, or she began to make excuses, downplaying her merits. While doing some work, I was always afraid that I would not be up to par and disappoint the people who praised me. I felt that I was being unfair to myself and my achievements, and that if I had more confidence, I could be more liberated in my work and achieve better results. After a year of classes in an art therapy group, I began to feel more confident (and this applies not only to work) and I no longer hesitate to listen to kind words in my address.
Fear of envy
As paradoxical as it sounds, praise can even give rise to superstitious fears. “When people give me compliments, I am afraid that they will jinx me,” says 27-year-old Polina. “It seems to me that because of these praises, failures will begin to haunt me.”
“Behind the superstition lies the fear that success can cause someone else to envy,” says Mikhail Romashkevich. Envy is a complex feeling. This is both a feeling of annoyance and anger caused by one fact: the other gets pleasure from owning something that I do not have – and an unconscious desire to appropriate or destroy this something.
Many faced unfair competition, betrayal, intrigues caused by envy. The memories of this are so painful and unpleasant that we would rather believe in the danger of the evil eye than admit to ourselves that we are afraid of someone else’s envy.
What to do?
Understand their true purpose
Do compliments disturb or overwhelm you? This happens because you attach too much importance to them. Treat them lighter, do not try to figure out every time whether you deserve them, whether they are sincere or not. Take them simply as positive and kind words addressed to you, which do not oblige you to anything and to which it is enough to answer: “Thank you!”
Compliment yourself
A great way to learn how to feel confident when someone compliments you is to give them yourself. Without flattery and hypocrisy, start praising (at its true worth) those around you. This will allow you to better understand your feelings and bring elements of a benevolent game into relationships with people. In this way, you will learn to perceive praise in your address as a natural response to the compliments that you yourself make to other people from time to time.
Advice for those around you
If you feel like your compliments go unnoticed, like you didn’t say anything, or cause a negative reaction, you may want to stop giving them. However, try to do the opposite: continue to cheer up the interlocutor, but do it sincerely and try to praise the results of his actions, and not himself as a person. For example, instead of “You are beautiful,” say “This dress suits you very well,” instead of “You did a good job,” say “Great work!”. This veiled form of complimenting is less troubling because it implies less self-interest.