Contents
They say that if you can’t go to a dream, you should at least crawl or lie in its direction. But what if there is no dream itself? Surrounding enthusiastically change jobs, professions, cities. Perhaps you, too, would like to burn what you love, but how to determine what it is?
“I have everything, but something is missing,” is how some clients explain what led them to a psychologist. It cannot be said that their life did not take place, but it certainly does not bring the satisfaction that we would like. The person is confused: he wants change, but does not understand what to undertake, where to start.
Comments from others like “Yes, you have everything – it’s a sin to complain!” or “Everything is in your hands, take it and do it!” only exacerbate the problem. In fact, they conceal an indirect assessment of the state of the other. Hearing this, in addition to confusion, a person also feels guilty for what he is experiencing. He gets the feeling: “I’m somehow not like that, wrong.”
Where have the desires gone?
Desires arise within and trigger a series of actions in external reality. We fantasize, we make plans, and then we take the steps that will lead to the goal. But it happens that there is an intention, but the connection with the desire itself has disappeared. Some try to live other people’s dreams, to achieve what makes others happier. But satisfaction from such achievements is illusory and fleeting.
In childhood, it is not difficult to determine desires: the child knows exactly what he wants now: ice cream, not soup. Some adults are just as easy to navigate in their preferences. And others get lost every time, choosing dishes in a restaurant.
And this is not the case when “eyes run wide” and you want everything at once. Rather, it is bewilderment: I do not understand what I want right now. Arguments come to the rescue: it is more useful, it will damage the figure, it is more expensive, but it will get more likes on instagram. And so the choice is made. We feel full, but we do not enjoy eating.
We wait to be told about our desires – if not by parents, then, for example, by advertising or successful friends from social networks.
It seems that the need to change one’s life has little to do with such everyday issues, but this difficult path begins with them. Alienation from oneself becomes a way of adaptation learned in childhood. If the child’s feelings are too often ignored, his words are challenged, he will try to adapt to the requirements of others, not attaching importance to his own experiences.
With good intentions, parents sometimes seek to anticipate the child’s desires, thereby preventing him from establishing contact with himself: to understand whether he is hot or cold, whether he wants to eat or play. Gradually, the habit of listening to oneself dies off as unnecessary. It becomes useless to recognize your feelings, and in some cases it threatens with punishment.
The reference point is not one’s own needs, but the indication of other people, social standards, ideas imposed from outside. Over time, we are so far away from ourselves that we can hardly understand what we want ourselves. We expect that our desires will be told to us, if not by parents, then, for example, by advertising or successful friends from social networks.
Is it worth trying to want what everyone wants?
Lack of understanding of one’s own desires causes discomfort. The man is trying to find a solution to the problem. And although he does not feel interested in what others are passionate about, he tries to imitate them. Some are looking for recommendations from me or even ask me to teach me to want what others like: “I want to get into running just like my neighbor” or “I want to enjoy playing with my own child, like my friend.”
Why advice to achieve such desires is meaningless? Because in that case, I would be little different from a parent who explains what you need to want and how to do it.
Not understanding what I myself want, detachment from myself is a difficult and uncomfortable state. However, in order to get out of it, you usually do not need to look for something to do with yourself, but, on the contrary, stay in it for a while. This is the most difficult stage: not to try to run away from this emptiness, but to feel it, observing your sensations.
The path to big dreams, like starting your own business, begins with lesser desires at first glance.
This is the time when the help of another is especially important. It is not easy for one to withstand this state – the temptation to drown it out with something familiar is too great. The path to big dreams, like starting your own business or moving to another country, begins with less significant desires at first glance: what I want for dinner today, what book to choose, whether to go to visit or stay at home for the weekend.
Gradually, a person learns to capture the internal response to each action and makes a choice not automatically, but more consciously. The main goal of this process is not to want something as soon as possible, but to know yourself more deeply.
How to regain the ability to feel
The ability to capture our own state is like a muscle that becomes weak if we do not use it. How to “pump” it? Here are a few ways that might help.
- Start keeping a diary: write down everything you experience. If it seems that the current state is not colored by emotions, write about it.
- Ask yourself during the day: what is happening to me now, how do I feel? Notice how you react to even the smallest things. For example, what emotions did going to the store evoke? The answer is not always obvious. A long queue can be both annoying and arouse other feelings if, for example, we don’t feel like going home.
- Track the sensations in your body. I want to stretch, stretch. Stiff neck – do some exercises. Busy with business, we often do not notice what is happening with the body.
But the best way is the one that you come up with yourself, based on your lifestyle and personal characteristics and preferences. Perhaps it will not come to you immediately, but after trial and error, but it will gradually help you find the right path to yourself, dreams and desired changes.