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It would seem that hair color is our personal choice. However, if the transition to a blonde or a brown-haired woman is discussed with interest and encouraged for the boldness of the experiment, then the gray hair of a fairly young woman often meets only silent bewilderment or unfriendly comments. Our heroine, who has decided not to hide her gray hair anymore, talks about her experience.
I started going gray after forty-five and for the first years I followed the path of the majority: I dyed my hair. However, after a couple of years, she decided to leave her natural gray hair. Why?
I’ll be honest, first of all I’m tired of wearing makeup. When there was a lot of gray hair, I had to do it regularly. I don’t understand how women live on a bi-weekly schedule. They say gray hair looks messy. No, regrown roots look messy.
I also think gray hair is beautiful. In many women’s forums, heated discussions flare up about natural aging. Most agree that they will always dye their hair. Before I had gray hair, I realized that I liked photographs of gray-haired models. They looked great to me. And now, having stopped dyeing my hair, I got an incredible feeling of freedom and acceptance of myself, which I did not have in my youth.
However, if you want to try on gray hair without being a deep old woman, you will have to prepare for the resistance of others. Those who consider the expression of an unsolicited opinion to be the “truth” that it is vital for you to know will openly assure you that gray hair disfigures you. Others will say more diplomatically that it was “somehow better” with the previous color.
I think this is an image imposed on us of what a self-respecting woman should look like.
It will take a lot of self-confidence to resist outside pressure and do what you feel comfortable with. You will be suspected of depression or accused of laziness, which a woman who wants to look good has no right to.
However, I do not have any depression, and I like to look good. I’m just not afraid of gray hair, just like wrinkles. And impending inevitable old age.
They say gray hair makes you look old. The whole appearance as a whole can age, especially the lack of vitality. Young people can also be internally aged.
If gray women do not terrify you, you can try to grow your gray hair, but this is not the only condition. There must be a high degree of self-acceptance, otherwise you will be affected by the negative perception of others and the reflection in the mirror may stop liking you.
Why does someone else’s gray hair bother people so much? I think this is an idea imposed on us of how a self-respecting woman should look if she does not want to be suspected of depression or banal laziness.
“Fear of old age and death can trigger defensive aggression”
Natalia Artsybasheva, gestalt therapist
Being yourself in an unfriendly environment is difficult, it requires different skills. For example, say “stop” if you meet with a boorish invasion of your territory, unsolicited advice and assessments.
They say to you: “Gray hair disfigures you.” Do you want to be left behind? Are you ready to say in response: “And your aggressive manner of communication disfigures you,” accompanying this with a short lecture about personal boundaries? True, there is a risk of being branded among relatives and acquaintances as a harmful and quarrelsome person. And we, as social creatures, do not tolerate the rejection of the pack well.
How to deal with it? Answer yourself how many people from the environment treat your gray hair with understanding or neutrality. And with clear condemnation? If the ratio is in favor of the latter, then it’s time to think about the people with whom you communicate.
The aspect of your sensitivity to someone else’s opinion is also important. Usually we have a reference group, that is, a circle of people whose opinion is really important to us. And there are others. If it’s not a member of the reference group who condemns, are you ready to ignore his opinion? Or are they sensitive to all opinions, with no allowance for the closeness of a person?
Keep in mind that even the most important people who agree with you on many other issues can suddenly have a different opinion on gray hair. This will be a test for you as well – how tolerant of dissent you are. Are you ready to accept this difference, if it is expressed correctly, and let the person be himself?
Stronger than the fear of the “stranger”, different from us, is the fear of old age and death. If a person has not worked out this problem, then any trigger like gray hair can trigger unmotivated defensive aggression in him. And this is definitely not your problem, it is he who needs the help of a specialist.
Of course, you shouldn’t talk about this to a person, but it’s useful for yourself to understand, it changes the perception of the whole situation.
About expert
Natalya Artsybasheva – Gestalt therapist. Her .