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They act childishly or like childish teenagers who are unwilling to take on any responsibility. Why do some of us refuse to grow up?
Charming Peter Pan, the hero of the book of the same name by James Barry, also refused to grow up, dismissing the very possibility of ever becoming a man. American psychologist Dan Kiley called this behavior of men and women “Peter Pan syndrome”. His main symptoms are: irresponsibility, unwillingness to admit his mistakes, the demand for love, but the inability to give it himself, and excessively strong emotions. Dissatisfaction appears as anger, joy as hysteria, and disappointment as deep sadness.
“Peter Pan” is largely dependent on his mother: his attitude towards her consists of irritation mixed with guilt. He is also dependent on his father, whom he idealizes, but does not hope to earn his love. Perhaps he grew up in a family where the mother showed excessive care, and the father, on the contrary, paid little attention to the child.
Fear of responsibility
“To become an adult means not only to stop growing physically,” says psychologist Sergey Stepanov, “but also to lose a share of spontaneity, to admit that life is not always like a fascinating fairy tale, it is sometimes boring and requires effort. But some of us value lightheartedness above all else.”
“Emotionally, and often financially, they depend on other family members,” agrees family therapist Lucy Mikaelian, “which often hides a deep fear of responsibility for themselves and other people. It can be so strong that a person, like Peter Pan, will struggle to delay his growing up, prefer to stay in a dream world than live in the real world.
Such people are also called adult children, or kidults (kidult – from the English kid – child and adult – adult). Adult children behave like irresponsible teenagers, trying to prolong the state of adolescence indefinitely. 35-year-old Alexander compares himself with the hero of the film “The Irony of Fate …” Zhenya Lukashin: “Like him, I still live with my parents, I bring my friends to their house. It’s so convenient for me, because my mother solves all household problems. And I don’t plan to move in the near future.”
Modern Peter Pans tend to delay marriage; under various pretexts, they may not get a job for a long time, and all because they are not ready to take responsibility. Such a distorted-infantile attitude to life is involuntarily adopted by their children: it is difficult to become a self-sufficient, self-confident person if next to you is a seductive example that this can not be done.
“I am learning to manage my life”
Alexandra, 46 years old, engineer
“For the last twenty years, I lived as if I were still eighteen: I dressed the same as my daughters, rarely and almost by force forced myself to cook something, forgot about my promises. Shopping, resting children, controlling family expenses – all this was on the shoulders of my husband … until he said that he was tired of patronizing me and offered to leave. I was shocked, because everything in my life suited me. I did not want to lose my family and, not knowing what was wrong with me, I asked for help. Meetings with a psychotherapist helped me realize that, in fact, I refused to grow up. My husband and I still did not divorce, and now I am learning to take responsibility for myself and independently manage my life.
Nostalgia for childhood
“My 16-year-old daughter reproaches me for continuing to act like a teenager and in some sense occupying her territory,” admits 44-year-old Elena.
“Many of those who cannot grow up in any way are also afraid of losing the attention of others,” explains psychoanalyst Catherine Jaconelli. “And the reason for this fear lies in their own early childhood. It seems to them a heavenly time in which they were happy.
Idealizing a time when every desire, every need of a child was immediately satisfied by adults, they are afraid to lose forever this feeling of their own omnipotence.
What to do?
stop hiding
To begin with, try not to deceive yourself: try to take a more realistic look at life, instead of running into the world of children’s dreams at the slightest encounter with difficulties. Try to solve emerging problems without putting them off indefinitely.
Assess your strengths
Make a table: in one column, enter the deeds and actions that you have committed, not being afraid to take responsibility, in the other – what you cannot decide on yet. Comparing these lists will help you understand what is difficult for you and what you can do. Such introspection will allow you to free yourself from infantilism, in the captivity of which you are currently.
Get started
Don’t wait for the right moment, start now! Do not aim at big things, focus on less grandiose, but quite realizable tasks. Do not be afraid to seek the advice of a psychotherapist: he will help you understand and overcome fear.
Advice for those around you
Does it annoy you that he acts like a perpetual teenager? Are you outraged that you always have to do everything for him and decide for you? Even in this case, try to still avoid a head-on collision. Your irritation will only make the situation worse. After all, faced with your aggressive reaction, a person will feel like a victim and will find many more reasons to do nothing.
Distance yourself from him. Start by refusing to play by his rules and don’t take on his obligations. Let him tactfully understand that this cannot go on any longer, because his teenage behavior is harming not only him, but also you.