“I do not aspire to marriage, but it is important that a man propose it”

Even in my early youth, I guessed that the idea of ​​​​marriage as something that makes a woman complete is a big deception. After all, most marriages end in divorce.

I remember I asked my father: “Will you be very upset if I don’t get married?” He said, “I want you to be like everyone else.” Despite his intelligence and talent, he also wanted an average fate for me. I was looking for another way and found it with my second husband.

Now I am officially married. Why do I need this stamp? It turned out to be important for me not the marriage itself, but the fact that the man wanted to propose it to me.

Let’s be honest, despite the promotion of the ideas of women’s independence and their own way, we are still not free from the pressure of others. And the question: “Have you built a family?” – is still the measure of female success for society.

I don’t know how long it will take for this to change, but so far so good. And although I never aspired to a stamp in my passport, I gradually came to the conclusion that a woman needs marriage and does not need it at the same time.

A woman does not have to madly strive for this (which many do). But it is important to build your life in such a way, to be independent and interesting enough to the world, so that the man himself offers it to you.

If a man proposes, he lets you know that he is ready to be a protector. With this act, he protects a woman from society: friends who ask sarcastic questions, a worried family, curious aunts at work.

And even if I don’t care whether I’m married or not, for me this desire itself is a matter of the inner viability and dignity of a man.

Frankly, it was important and pleasant for me that the partner made me an offer. My first marriage did not work out, and after the divorce, I was skeptical about the possibility of building a long-term relationship. I took care of myself, my career and hobbies and wanted to feel good here and now. Fortunately, my husband and I interests coincided.

I think that in anticipation of a proposal, a woman often runs the risk of becoming obsessive. You can not build a marriage in a cult. It is important to build your life, relying on yourself, and when a really close person appears, he himself will take an important step, which symbolizes the protection of a woman from the outside world.

Our task is simply to be self-sufficient and happy. But it is important that the man has the intention to see you as his wife. If you have been dating for more than a year and he does not propose, this speaks of him as a partner who is not interested in you.

This does not mean that it should be left immediately, but it is worth taking note of it.

“Questions from others often reveal their own concerns”

Daria Petrovskaya, gestalt therapist

In the story of the heroine, it is not clear what the value of marriage and relationships in general is for her. She mentions that she went to her father, but never got what she needed from him. Her father gave her a finished model that fits him, while she needed support in helping her sort out her own thoughts and feelings.

As a result, her picture of the world remained incomplete: “you need to get married”, “husband is a protector”. When a child does not receive support in solving complex problems, he finds the most simple answers and logical solutions. “Since I was not heard in my doubts, then what I think about is stupidity.”

The heroine nevertheless got married, even twice, but why she needs a husband is not clear. The husband must propose because it is necessary, and the society will get rid of me, because I did everything right.

But in reality, society has nothing to do with us. People project their own experiences onto others, that’s the way we are. Rather, the questions of others expose their own anxieties. It seems that this society is attacking us, but in fact it is we ourselves who do not accept ourselves, as once someone important did not accept us.

Marriage does not cancel independence and building one’s destiny, career. As with a husband you can develop and enjoy life, and without. As with a husband, you can not realize your plans and dreams, and without.

What one cannot disagree with the heroine is that a partner must be selected based on the coincidence of goals. For example, both want marriage, not just the woman. Then the relationship has many chances to be happy.

Having an interesting life of our own and looking for someone who will share our interests is a sober and healthy position. She also does not guarantee “died on the same day”, but coincidences in goals greatly promote the proximity of both. And the heroine, obviously, manages to build that picture of the world that suits her.