“I didn’t know how to refuse”: why it is difficult for victims of harassment to fight back

stories of victims of harassment in public places

Anastasia, 23 of the year:

I rarely go to bars, especially after an incident that happened to me two years ago. My friend and I sat at the bar – there were simply no other places. A heavily drunk man came up to us and began to say something incoherent. I got scared. He sat down so close that, apart from his fumes, I felt almost nothing. He began to weigh out vulgar compliments, tried to hug. I cringed all over, but I couldn’t say a word. It helped that a friend called out to him.

Karina, 34 years old:

I often have to take the subway during rush hour. On one of these trips, I managed to find a free place – I was so happy! But it wasn’t there – a man was sitting next to me, who at first defiantly spread his legs so that he touched my knee, and then he practically lay down on me. I saw that he was smiling, and I realized that he was doing it consciously, but there was such a crush that it was hard to even get up. It also failed to make a scandal – as if the language had been taken away!

Alexandra, 25 years old:

I could not even imagine that such a thing could happen on a noisy avenue in Moscow in the middle of the day. I was walking along the usual path to the subway when a man started calling me. I pretended not to hear, and moved forward with a confident step. He caught up with me and began to offer to meet, I ignored, and he raised his voice. At the same time, let me remind you: a busy avenue. People saw the whole picture and just passed by. But further – more. When I began to literally run away, he ran up to me, clenched his hands, grabbed my chest. It was like I was paralyzed. I could neither scream nor break out … He let me go only when he himself was tired of it.

Such stories, unfortunately, are not uncommon. In situations where it seems need to act, we sometimes fall into a stupor. The fact is that everyone’s body reacts to stress differently. So, some of us in such cases just freeze.

Evolutionary mechanisms and the return to childhood

This is based on an ancient evolutionary mechanism, says psychoanalytic therapist Tatyana Tabolina. It is characteristic even of animals – many of them pretend to be dead in the case of aggression from the outside in the hope that the attacker will not touch them.

“At the same time, in a person, the roots of such a reaction should be sought in early childhood, in those emotional relationships that were available to him, as well as in the environment that surrounded him,” the psychologist believes. “When stressed, the victim regresses to childhood.

The aggressor is unconsciously perceived by her as a “senior” or “chief” who cannot be argued with. At the moment harassment victims there may be a feeling of “I’m small, I don’t decide anything”, reinforced by feelings of helplessness and hopelessness.

In addition, sometimes sexual aggression begins with courtship, which is perceived positively by a woman, Tabolina notes. Therefore, later it can be difficult for her not only to refuse, but even to allow herself to admit that she is dissatisfied, because she allegedly “she herself gave a reason.”

Of course, not all men, meeting on the streets and making compliments, are guided by malicious intent. That is why it is not easy to recognize the danger.

At the same time, as can be seen from the stories of our readers, not only victims, but also witnesses of harassment do not always react quickly and boldly and can also fall into a stupor – after all, this is no less stressful for them.

To remedy this, L’Oréal Paris has developed a special platform Stand Upon which you can pass small training. With it, you can learn how to properly stop the aggressor. In short: you need to follow the 5D rule – Disorient, Demonstrate support, Delegate, Document, Act.

How to learn to say “no”?

Also, each of us needs to learn how to protect personal boundaries in order to to push back, Tatyana Tabolina is sure.

To do this, according to her, it is necessary to be able to return to oneself a reality in which the offender is not a parent and not the ruler of our life, but only a person who solves his psychological problems at our expense. Here are some tips:

1. In a calm situation, learn to breathe to the count of up to 10 – counting the inhalations and exhalations. Repeat to yourself that you are a grown woman who can take care of herself and must protect herself.
2. The answer to violation of your boundaries should be short and unambiguous: “No, this does not suit me.” It is important to do this calmly and friendly, but firmly. And although inner fear may dictate the need to explain or justify, this should not be done.
3. You can learn to say “no” in simpler situations – for example, let the taxi driver know that you are not in the mood to talk, or refuse people on the street offering leaflets. This important skill will gradually emerge into your reality as a normal and acceptable behavior.
4. It is also useful to look at the situation “from the side”, to imagine in its place a close friend, mother or sister – is there a desire to intercede for them? What would you do in this case? How could you help them?