I wrote the article “Calls. So what? ”, where she talked about her experience — a successful experience! — my child’s use of the «So what?» from name-calling in communication with peers. Nikolai Ivanovich Kozlov accompanied my article with a comment:
“For less experienced parents, before teaching the “So what?” beat, it is useful to think about safety. It is worth thinking in advance about the royal “So what?” a child, including a teenager, suddenly did not begin to sound in your address, in response to your justified criticism and demands. «Have you done your homework?» — «Not. So what?». This is already rudeness, and this is not uncommon. Of course, in good families, children themselves know who needs to be protected from, and who — their own. «So what?» — this is protection from the attack of strangers, and parents are not strangers. The child will not always understand this on his own, sometimes it needs to be told in the same way that we tell the child any other important things, but with your help, the child should still distinguish how disassembly with peers differs from relationships with parents.
Thank you, Nikolai Ivanovich! I also had the thought that the reception «So what?» can be used subsequently against parents. I usually solve problems as they come, but you give me the opportunity to think about it in advance. Therefore, I write my next thoughts!
Indeed, parents can one day hear from the lips of their own, even a wonderfully educated child. “No, I didn’t do my homework. So what?» How do parents usually react to such a statement?
They read notations: “You are so smart with us, you need to study. At your age, we studied well and obeyed our parents, which is why we now earn decently and have good positions. Only those who study well open all the doors. Without knowledge, nowhere. And away we go, and off we go…
They complain: “You are wrong. It is your direct duty to study. We work, we earn a living. Mom does all the housework. The Pope decides global issues. We create all the conditions for your development. You must always do your homework.» And so on and so forth…
They issue ultimatums and threaten: “If so, then I punish you. That’s it, I ban all games on the computer, tablet and phone. If you don’t do your homework immediately, you won’t go to the movies with your friends. If you do not take up your mind, I will deprive you of pocket money. And further on increasing …
They show pity: “Did something happen to you? Oh you poor thing. Well, let me make you something tasty, and then we will do these lessons together. Do you want me to help you (I will do it for you)?” The child likes it, but the result of the curve … It’s no better if persuasion begins, “Well, please, my good one, do these lessons. I beg you. Well, for my sake,» or — they just let things take their course: «Well, okay, it happens. He is already an adult, he can solve his own problems. Maybe everything will work out.”
But the fact is that parents have settled in their habits, and children have already adapted to them. Of course, if a mother, who is used to constantly feeling sorry for the child, suddenly turns on the threat and carries it out, then YES. It will work. Or parents who constantly threaten to lecture, but with warmth and love — this can also work.
I imagined such a situation in my life, scrolled through such possible solutions before my eyes — and realized that these solutions did not suit me. It certainly won’t work with my child. Well, maybe it will work once, but as a system it won’t. So, you need to invent. I mentally in my imagination began to imagine a picture: My son is sitting waddling at the computer or just wearing headphones. I’m wondering: «Have you done your homework?» — «Not. So what?» I saw this picture clearly as I got stuck in the door and was speechless. What to do?
It seems that if a child tells me: “So what?”, Being at primary school or preschool age, the situation is still not difficult. I will hug him, kiss him and go about my business. But when he asks: “What will I eat for dinner? And where is my ironed ue? Where are my clean clothes? I will answer with a smile: “I have no idea. So what?» Until he abolishes the use of this word in our family.
It is more difficult if this situation occurs in adolescence. Here is the option that came to my mind. I will go up to my son, gently hug him by the shoulders, kiss him on the head and say: “What an adult you have become, but I didn’t notice it.” I kiss him again and go out into another room. I’ll be back to him in a couple of minutes. «Son, we’re having a gala dinner tonight. What would you like to eat especially delicious? After listening to all his wishes, I will begin to implement them. Even if I have to go to the store to do it. I will do everything to make him especially pleased. Be sure to warn dad about the evening celebration. Maybe I’ll bake a cake that my family loves. I will set the table beautifully, solemnly. I will dress in a special way. With warmth I will invite the child and husband to dinner. I will ask my husband to pour juice into glasses.
They will begin to inquire about what the holiday is in honor of, but I, like a steadfast tin soldier, will keep the intrigue until the end of dinner. When everyone is satiated, enjoying a casual conversation and other yummy things, I will reveal a surprise:
«My favorite! Today is a really happy day for me. Our son has become a real adult. I know how thoughtfully and carefully he makes decisions, so I take his words and actions seriously. Son, I really appreciate the extra time you gave me. Now I have the opportunity to spend less of my time on household chores. I will need to cook less, do less laundry, less ironing, less cleaning, and help you with your homework. I assume that you have already considered where exactly you will work. I understand that you will be paid little at first. Therefore, at first, dad and I take on part of your expenses. We will pay your rent and provide food for you. Son, you choose how you live. AND THIS IS YOUR LIFE. Either way, I love you always.»
I will go up to my son and hug him warmly and kiss him. And I’ll start clearing the table cheerfully with a smile. I will give the child the opportunity to think about his own words spoken to me either not deliberately, or for my verification. I hope my son weighs the pros and cons well and makes the right decision in this situation. If he studies, then I no longer need to ask if he has done his homework: he will do them without reminders. If he goes to work, then I will still love him. Although I doubt very much that he will want to go to work under the circumstances.
I have not tested this solution, but it seems to me quite working. What do you think, dear fellow parents?
N.I. Kozlov: “Natalia’s decision seems interesting to me, this is a worthy performance that will be remembered and will definitely give some effect. What am I worried about? If the son accepts the joy of his mother and agrees: “Yes, mother, I myself will solve problems with my lessons” — and he will send the received freedom to the wrong address. With teenagers, this happens, and I would not want to let my son out of my parental influence ahead of time. In this regard, as a man, formulating and establishing a format is closer to me: without shouting, calmly or cheerfully (it doesn’t matter), I clearly articulate how you can talk to me (and my mother) and how not. It is unlikely that a son will start a war from scratch if my tone is both serious and friendly. Let’s agree.»
Interesting commentary on the article:
When my child was 5 years old (and I had to raise him alone), he once said that he would not go to kindergarten, well, that’s all. He just wanted to. I said “OK!” and we stayed at home. When he said he wanted to have breakfast, I brought him a glass of tea and a piece of bread, he asked, “Is that all??” I intelligibly explained to the child that my mother did not go to work today, and the director’s uncle would not pay her salary, and my mother paid the money for the kindergarten and now there is nothing to buy food with, so you need to wait and tighten your belts, there will be no tasty: this breakfast, lunch and dinner in the garden. But you refused to go to the garden, this is your decision, so chew some bread, and tomorrow — choose where to go. The next day, my child ran faster than me to kindergarten. And recently, my 15-year-old child decided to test me again and to the question “Did you do your homework?” answered approximately: “No, why?” I had to peacefully talk and tell, that is, scroll through the options of what would happen if he left school. There were a lot of options, the conversation was long. The options “live worse” and “live better”, what will happen if there is no education — all this remains in the child’s head. No need to strive for quick and correct answers, let him think and, believe me, your words will play their role. It’s just that at this moment you need to talk to the child not instructively, but somewhat detachedly, as if you are not a close relative, but a distant one. Do not deny him support if he did not choose what you wanted, but show the consequences and emphasize that the choice is his.