Contents
There is a well-known saying: “If you need to explain, then you don’t need to explain.” However, psychologists are ready to argue with this. It is important to learn how to talk to each other, because silence often gives rise to misinterpretations of actions. Our heroes spoke frankly about what caused their disappearance. The expert comments on the stories.
Claims and scenes of jealousy
“We met with friends at a party, I really liked her,” says Fedor. — I took the phone and a few days later invited me on a date. After this meeting, I realized that I wanted to see her again, and immediately wrote to her about it. She answered.
We began to actively correspond. At the same time, a big project at work came upon me. It was about the implementation of ideas that I had been preparing for many months, I finally had a chance. I told her about it. I started writing less due to being busy.
She was still interesting to me, but I did not expect such a negative reaction. She began to talk to me as if we had been married for a long time and we were bound by obligations. «Why did not you call? Already forgot about me? Once she hinted that the matter, as she thinks, is not in work, but in the fact that I have someone else, and I hide it.
In the end, I realized that in our relationship, from the very beginning, there is a heaviness that makes me feel guilty. I don’t want to constantly make excuses and explain something, trust and freedom are important to me. I just stopped answering her.»
Opinion of the psychologist
“In the history of Fedor, there could be quite a few reasons behind the manifestations of his chosen one. For example, the desire to hear — he is also bored and upset because meetings are rare. The girl was worried: if they did not communicate more often, nothing would connect them, and they would move away from each other.
Perhaps she had a partner before that who cheated and deceived that she was busy at work. We do not know. And Fedor does not know this, because he made excuses and explained, but did not ask the girl why she reacted that way.
The girl made a similar mistake: she did not explain the reasons for her experiences and did not discuss how he could now, in a situation of dense employment, show that she was still dear to him.
Expecting that the partner does not have their own vulnerabilities, avoiding open dialogue — this is what prevented Fedor from building a more comfortable relationship.
Notes of aggression and arrogance
“I invited her to dinner and was very worried, but this first meeting in private turned everything upside down,” Maxim admits. — She immediately began to talk down.
She didn’t like the table we were offered. While waiting for a replacement at the bar, she let me know a couple of times that she was not happy with which restaurant I chose. We started talking about travel, and she dropped a few jokes about the country and its people, which seemed to me not funny, but rather rude.
I won’t say that the evening was completely ruined — we still had something to talk about, we found common topics, we laughed. I looked at her and saw now only a spectacular girl. I was flattered that I invited her to dinner and she is an eye-catcher. But something inexplicable was crumbling before my eyes, which attracted me to her.
If I had not planned anything with her from the very beginning, except for easy meetings, I would have called her again. But for me, the magic that arose at the first meeting was gone, and I realized that I did not want to continue.
Flirting with other men
“That evening he invited her to his friends and did not expect what would happen next,” recalls Kirill. — She flirted with everyone in a row, did it openly, almost defiantly.
Later, I found out that someone asked her who she came with, and my girlfriend only smiled in response and did not answer. It pissed me off. When at the end of the evening she approached me as if nothing had happened, hugged me and asked when we would go home, I replied that she would leave without me.
After that, she wrote to me, offered to meet and talk. Perhaps at that party she only wanted to assert herself and show that she was interesting to many men. However, I lost interest in her. And we don’t have anything else to talk about.»
Opinion of the psychologist
“In the stories of Maxim and Kirill, we see examples of how hasty conclusions and abrupt decisions can prevent people from being together.
Young men do not tell girls anything about their perception of their behavior. Perhaps if they dared to show their vulnerability, that they are not thick-skinned and they care, they could find out what these girls really are.
Many strive to show their best side, which often means for us to appear successful and in demand. This is the image that the girls created. But both Maxim and Kirill themselves created in response the image of independent, insensitive people who don’t care.”
Emphasizing imperfections in appearance
“We met at a driving course, she immediately attracted me. They began to meet, and then … For some reason she told me that she looked bad, ”says Sergey. It turns out that I always considered myself ugly. I go to the gym regularly because I’ve gained weight.
At first I dissuaded her, but then, in a strange way, talking about shortcomings made me pay attention to it. I am interested in conquering a girl, and not in her psychotherapy. It probably wasn’t very good of me to disappear, but I just didn’t know what to say to her.»
Pessimism and negative outlook
“We met for a couple of weeks, and in this short time I was pretty tired of the fact that she was constantly bad,” Alexey admits. — … It was necessary to choose another film in the cinema. The service in the restaurant is terrible, the food around is tasteless.
She shared with me the saddest stories and news that happen in the lives of her friends, relatives and her own. She is a very beautiful, interesting girl, but it was difficult for me to put up with the feeling of life as an ordeal in which you have no chance. With such a person, I’m definitely not on my way.”
Opinion of the psychologist
“Admitting your limitations in time and being honest about your feelings is also very important. The girls from the story of Sergei and Alexei, it seems, needed more support, attention, sympathy from young people. And the guys even tried to give it, but in the end they depleted their reserves.
They did not take into account that each person is responsible for his own emotional state. A partner cannot fill all that emptiness and lack of self-acceptance if a person does not have the skill and ability to take support and be grateful for what they have.
Recognition of their limitations helps partners not to pretend to be superhuman, but to hear another.
Blackmail and ultimatums
“It all started with the fact that we first quarreled, and because of nonsense,” says Stas. — I was very busy at work, and I couldn’t meet that evening, although we agreed.
I really hoped that she would understand me, but she harshly wrote: “If you don’t come today, you won’t see me again.” It offended me, but it seemed that in the end we understood each other. My friend even found the strength to apologize. Well, I apologized for not being able to influence the circumstances.
However, history repeated itself a couple of weeks later. I needed to help a friend with a computer, but she obviously had other plans that I didn’t know about. She gave me a real tantrum on the phone: «Either me or your friends, choose.» «Friends» — I said and hung up. We didn’t see each other again. I can’t stand blackmail.»
Opinion of the psychologist
In the story of Stas, I see a vivid example of how a lack of respect for the interests and affairs of a partner can turn into a break. Everyone alone decides something about joint plans, people do not discuss changes with each other, do not look for alternatives that could suit both parties.
When the position of each of the participants in the conflict is tough, it is impossible to agree. Stas warns his partner after the fact, when it is already impossible to do something. The girl does not talk about why the meeting is important to her at the moment and what alternatives there are. There is no room for regulation here.
When we start a new relationship, our fears and expectations rise, we really want everything to work out this time.
That is why quite often at the first meetings we behave not quite adequately: we try to impress or immediately indicate our requirements for a future partner so that there are no false expectations.
We are not perfect, we make mistakes, we misunderstand each other. If you draw quick conclusions and do not clarify what is behind the behavior of another person, then the likelihood of not entering into a long-term relationship increases catastrophically.