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Recently, more and more people are ready to support victims of domestic violence, but few people understand that the authors of violence also need help. We tell the story of a man who used abuse in a relationship. His words are commented by a psychologist.
Abuse (from English abuse – bullying and mistreatment) is the abuse of one’s status, position and power in a relationship, explains counseling psychologist Naira Parsadanyan. If one of the partners does not consider the needs of the other and commits actions that hurt him and violate his boundaries, this is violence. And it is very different.
Psychologists distinguish the following types of violence:
- Physical – pinching, pushing, spitting, spanking, grabbing various parts of the body, holding in place, restricting movement;
- Psychological – ignoring, criticizing, devaluing, gaslighting, screaming, threatening, manipulating, blackmailing, insulting, name-calling;
- Economic – prohibition or coercion to work, study; unilateral decision-making on large expenses, the need to report on income and expenses;
- sexualized – begging for sex, coercion to perform “marital duties”, threats of infidelity, as well as sexual practices that are not agreed with a partner.
We are accustomed to believing that most abusers cannot change, also because they do not consider themselves to be guilty. Today one of them shares with us the story of the struggle he had to fight with himself.
“All my relationships developed according to the standard scenario”
Nikolai, 29: “I used psychological abuse on two of my partners for ten years. We are talking about screaming, passive aggression, gaslighting, baseless jealousy, control and pressure. I was constantly told that I was immature and short-tempered, that I hurt. But instead of trying to talk about my feelings, I hid them behind passive aggression.
All my relationships developed according to the standard scenario. At first I fell in love with a girl and gave her attention, but then my concern turned into control, and I began to be jealous of my partner for any reason. I tried to become the only point of support for her: I forced out friends and colleagues, “hooking” her on myself, but did not give any confidence in return.
I brought the girl to a state of helplessness, and when she was completely depressed, I calmed down. But then everything repeated. I have a fairly high level of emotional intelligence and empathy: I was aware that I did something wrong. But it was usually too late, the person was suffering because of me.”
“I realized that I am an abuser”
“A year ago, I realized that I had a problem, but I didn’t understand what it was. Then I broke up with my partner, with whom I lived for about three years and planned to start a family. I thought: why are my relationships falling apart, and the girls explain their departure for the same reasons?
And one day I came across an article on how to recognize an abuser. A cold sweat broke through me: I realized that I correspond to the listed signs almost 100 percent. The sensations were such that they told me that I was terminally ill – and I know firsthand what it is.
“Work has begun”
“First, I decided to talk to a psychologist. I was recommended free consultations, but they couldn’t get there quickly, so I turned to a private psychotherapist. I talked about my problem, or rather dumped everything, touching on this topic. And we started work.
I cried a lot, did my homework, drew, though because of my workload, the classes were not systematic. Nevertheless, I passed the first stage thanks to work with a psychotherapist. But the biggest progress was given to me by independent work: an analysis of my behavior and communication with girls.
“It’s not easy for me to maintain a healthy atmosphere in a relationship”
“At the moment I am in a relationship. I met a man whom I fell in love with and firmly decided to nullify all manifestations of abuse. It is incredibly important for me to maintain a healthy atmosphere, but this is not always possible, and it is extremely difficult.
Some manifestations of violence I could identify immediately, but some things were not at all obvious to me. Only frank communication with the girl made it possible to understand how my actions hurt her, what words were the trigger and what she felt at that moment.
I continue to live with this problem. I learned to control myself and predict what I can do wrong; began to look more maturely at situations where he had behaved incorrectly before. And I want to resume working with a psychotherapist.
Naira Parsadanyan – counseling psychologist
A typical abusive relationship usually develops as follows: a very rapid convergence and idealization of the partner, then an increase in tension, followed by a desire to subdue the other through control with various strategies, including isolation and jealousy, denial, lying, blaming, blocking the partner’s anger.
Usually the author of violence uses isolation if he has a fear of losing a partner. Moreover, fear, justified solely by internal factors, and not by real circumstances. This strategy puts the injured party in a vulnerable position: in case of danger, she will simply have no one to turn to for help. So the author of violence turns out to be the only person for the partner who can be relied upon.
- Traumatic experience – the author of the violence either witnessed domestic violence or suffered from it himself;
- Gender stereotypes – a person has attitudes that clearly define what a woman and a man should be;
- current stress – the author of violence accumulates internal tension, which he eventually takes out on the closest people;
- Alcohol and drug use – in a state of altered consciousness under the influence of various substances, a person loses self-control, ceases to correctly evaluate events and may react inadequately;
- Clinical diagnosis – psychopathy, schizophrenia, dementia, traumatic brain injury, brain tumors and other conditions can lead to increased irritability, constant criticism, malice, destructive aggression;
- positive reinforcement – after the outburst of tension, the author of violence feels, albeit briefly, some relief.
In consultations with the author of violence, we carefully examine his triggers, look for opportunities to overcome them and alternative behavioral strategies. Sometimes we talk about events that happened earlier, and unwind the chain of his life until childhood.
From there, we begin to look at developmental traumas and attachments, at his gender beliefs, relationships with previous partners, non-violent communication and self-regulation skills. We also study how a person perceives himself, others and the world as a whole. How lonely he feels.
Independent work is theoretically possible, but most often the author of violence does not understand what to do with the information that he finds in literature and videos. Materials that make it possible for a person to understand that they are abusing in a relationship is only the first step. After it, you should contact a specialist to figure out what caused the violent behavior.
Psychological assistance to the authors of violence is provided by the centers ““*,”“And”».
About expert
Naira Parsadanyan – Counseling Psychologist on Domestic Violence
* On the territory of the Russian Federation, the organization is recognized as a “foreign agent”