Contents
They can shed tears just by looking out the window, burst into tears from a word they accidentally hear … Tears appear suddenly, and it is impossible to hold them back. What is the reason for this hypersensitivity?
“Since childhood, I have been embarrassed to cry,” says Elena, 39, a decorator. – Once I had to get up and leave in the middle of a classical music concert – I forgot paper napkins. I was embarrassed in front of my son – I could not finish reading a bedtime story to him: the prince marries the princess, and my throat catches. I wanted to be cured of my tearfulness, I turned to psychotherapists. Together we solved many of my problems. But the tears never went away. In the end, I was able to accept them as my feature, the same as height or eye color. I no longer suffer from tears. I just take out my handkerchief and blot my eyes.” Why is this happening?
I’ve held back too long
“Such “unexpected” tears are not at all unreasonable,” answers family psychologist Inna Shifanova and explains this with an example. “Let’s say the management criticized me – and I’m all in tears. But if you think about what else is happening at this moment in my life, it will surely turn out that relationships with loved ones do not add up or I am going through a quarrel with a friend – something greatly upsets me. And the remark of the chief becomes the last straw. We often endure too long, hold back, so as not to show weakness. From this, tension accumulates, which is removed by sudden tears. They seem to set us free. By accepting our weakness and our sadness, we will be able to gather strength again and continue to live.
I remember losses
“Our unconscious stores everything that we have experienced, everything that happened to us in the past,” explains Inna Shifanova. “A random object or combination of sounds, a smell, any detail from the present that consciousness does not even notice can take us back to the past.” If this is a pleasant memory, we feel warmth, joy, if it is painful, we can burst into tears, not understanding what is happening to us.
Tears are a manifestation of our openness, even defenselessness
When we cry without holding back tears, we have a chance to realize what our feelings really refer to. However, this is not always possible without the help of a psychotherapist. Some connections the unconscious hides from us too deeply.
Personal experience
40-year-old Zoya dreamed of a cat. It seemed to be a harmless dream, but she cried all the next day. And then, remembering him, I felt an inexplicable sadness. “Only at a meeting with a psychologist, when we began to analyze associations, I remembered that my mother once had a cat. Mom died a year ago. I was sure that I had already dealt with my grief.” Zoya did not immediately restore this connection – that in fact she was crying about her mother.
I need sympathy
“Tears are also a plea for help,” continues Inna Shifanova. – When the need for support, in sympathy becomes especially acute, we can suddenly cry and thereby attract attention to ourselves. And at the same time, we feel embarrassed because we “cry like a little child.” This unconscious mechanism really arises in childhood. Loud crying is the only opportunity for the baby to attract the attention of the mother. As adults, we may involuntarily return to this method if we find it difficult to express our needs in words.
“Men are more used to holding back, but they also cry,” says Inna Shifanova. Tears are a manifestation of our openness, even defenselessness. And so they allow you to establish closer relationships with other people.”
What to do?
Let yourself cry
Choose a quiet place for this, where no one will prevent you from being alone with yourself. To admit your weakness and imperfection, to allow yourself to express your feelings, including sadness and grief, this is what it means to live and be yourself.
Boost self esteem
The first step is to stop criticizing yourself, including for being too sensitive. This is especially important if any remark makes you cry.
Ask for help
Think: do I know how to do this or do I try to cope with any adversity on my own? We all sometimes need support, help or just sympathy.