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In the heat of a heated argument, someone breaks dishes and screams, someone remains restrained and cold-blooded, and there are those whose reaction to acute situations is sobs. Is it possible to learn to cope with emotions and stop crying all the time?
Rose Armitage from Las Vegas, like many, cannot hold back her tears during arguments. No matter how logical her arguments are and how right she is from a moral point of view – as soon as she starts arguing with a guy, tears appear in her eyes.
“I can’t remember a single quarrel when I didn’t cry, although I’m generally a crybaby. I burst into tears this morning because of an equation I couldn’t solve. I think that if I cry during an argument, it’s because I care or because it seems to me that he does not listen to me, ”she says.
Charles Darwin once called emotion-induced tears “useless.” But her example shows that they do not just bring catharsis, but serve a specific purpose – it is a way to communicate by other means when words do not help. We cry out of sympathy for a partner, hearing shocking news, or out of anger when it seems like we are being blamed. Mandy Oaklander, science correspondent for Time magazine, calls tears “a signal that others can see.” This is a natural reaction in a moment of great stress, but in the middle of an argument, they can be very inappropriate, especially if the partner may consider this a sign of weakness.
“Many are annoyed by crybaby partners, it seems to them that this is a conscious manipulation in order to win the argument. You may also be considered emotionally unstable: “Well, why are you crying all the time? Get a hold of yourself!” says psychotherapist Carder Stout.
Why are we crying?
Carder Stout, who works with couples, believes that in most cases the tears are sincere: “Perhaps the confrontation frightens the person, causes mental trauma, and he cries out of fear. Or it seems to him that because of a quarrel he can be abandoned, and the thought of this is unbearable. Some feel shame because of the violent manifestation of emotions, it seems to them that they have exposed their weakness. But for others, tears become a source of healing if the person gets the support they need.
Florida-based psychotherapist Stacey Rosenfeld says that tearfulness may be related to the so-called attachment style, which affects the relationship with loved ones. If you are characterized by an anxious type of attachment, you may notice small and minor changes in the mood and behavior of your partner. They may seem like a personal insult or a death sentence for a relationship.
You tend to get emotional and jump to conclusions in the midst of an important relationship conversation, especially if it started without a reason. “Anxious people often fear that the conflict may end in a breakup. Instead of defending their point of view and telling the truth, they worry that their partner will leave them. Hence the tears,” says Stacey Rosenfeld.
If your partner has an anxious or secure attachment type, they may respond to your sobbing with sympathy. But don’t expect an avoidant partner to understand. Such a person will want to get rid of the company of those who seem to him “hysterical” as soon as possible. People with an avoidant type of attachment are afraid of excessive intimacy in relationships, they perceive tears as unacceptable importunity. A vicious circle arises, and it is possible to get out of it only when both partners learn to respond correctly to what is happening.
Sex differences also play a role. We are used to believing that women often cry, while men, on the contrary, hide their emotions. However, Stacey Rosenfeld is sure that this only happens because girls are taught from childhood that they should not show their anger. “Because of this, we often show anger in an implicit form, including in the form of crying. We are afraid, and not without reason, that others may react inappropriately to an open display of anger on our part – that we may be abandoned, rejected or even hit, ”she explains.
How can crybabies and those who are not prone to sobbing learn to understand each other?
In the midst of an argument, if you feel like tears are coming, don’t be afraid to suggest taking a break. Do you know how partners sometimes agree on a “safe word” during sexual games? Come up with a safe word and agree that it will stop any argument if emotions start to run high. Leave the room, go to the bathroom to recover, go for a walk.
“I advise clients to stand barefoot on damp ground, if possible, it helps to get rid of disturbing energy. A 10-minute break during a showdown can do wonders,” says Carder Stout.
Think in advance of strategies for behavior in case of quarrels. If you are a crybaby, try to understand what function tears perform, what emotions are behind them. What concerns are you trying to convey to your partner in this way? “When the conflict is over, talk to him about your tendency to cry and what your tears mean. This will help him or her understand why this is happening and what it means in the context of the relationship,” says Stacey Rosenfeld.
Do not hope that you will never again cry during disputes and conflicts. It is important to learn how to cope with your emotions at the moment when tears come. Rose Armitage and her partner, in moments of heated argument, now try to remember that the goal is not to defeat each other, but a common problem.
“The partner is already used to the fact that I often cry. I believe that one should not be afraid and ashamed of tears if they are caused by conflict and resentment. As I said, we cry because we care.”