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They never agree with other people, even if they think the same way. Why is the spirit of contradiction so strong in some?
“I suggested that she learn to play the piano – she chose the guitar class, I signed her up for gymnastics – she said that she prefers volleyball …” Anna, the mother of thirteen-year-old Yulia, describes a situation familiar to many parents of teenagers: “My daughter does everything so that only contradict me!”
Objection on any occasion is natural for teenagers. It helps them to free themselves from the power of adults – by opposing themselves to them, they feel their independence. But sometimes this tendency becomes a stable character trait, making it difficult to relate to others.
“If parents raised a child harshly, did not give him the opportunity to express his needs, talk about his feelings, then, as an adult, he may feel a constant desire to contradict even complete strangers,” explains narrative psychologist Ekaterina Daichik.
He starts up half a turn: he raises his voice, does not listen to the interlocutor, cannot stop… “.
But why are they so persistent, even if they understand that the interlocutor is right?
Feel your importance
Many people contradict only because, by objecting, devaluing the words of the interlocutor, they feel more confident – smarter, more successful, more significant.
This is how unspoken competition manifests itself: if I can contradict you, then I am stronger than you. For such a person to agree is to admit his weakness. Sometimes inconsistency manifests itself in a conversation with a completely different person, with whom we are actually angry.
Fear of being lost in the desires of another
“In a marital relationship, the tendency to constantly contradict can be a kind of form of drawing attention to yourself,” says Marina Chibisova. “Most often, those who find it difficult to talk about feelings and increase self-esteem in other ways behave like this.”
Also, it may seem to one of the partners that he too often follows the desires of the other. “He feels the loss of his own boundaries and begins to object in order to feel independent again,” Marina Chibisova explains.
“This is how I expressed myself”
Fatima, 34 years old, teacher
“I always objected to everyone. Although I felt that I was doing it automatically, as if the desire to contradict was stronger than me. For a long time, I thought it was because I was too sensitive and unsure of myself. Four years ago, when my mother died, I turned to a psychotherapist for support. Working with him, I was able to determine the true reason for my behavior: having been born in Moscow, in an Ingush family, I was torn between the pressure of my parents who wanted to see me as a Muslim woman, and my ambitions of an emancipated, active girl. When I objected to others, I expressed this contradiction and unconsciously tried to free myself from the influence of the family. Realizing this made me need to express myself openly and stop constantly contradicting everyone. And it worked out. Now my strong character serves to say what I really think … “
Prohibition on the expression of aggression
Inconsistency is one of the forms of manifestation of aggression, resentment and irritation: “I’m angry with you, but I can’t say it directly.”
“Finding faults on trifles, such a partner bypasses what really worries him,” says Ekaterina Daichik. “For example, a wife, instead of telling her husband that she is offended by him when he comes too late, refuses his offer to go somewhere on the weekend.”
You can react differently only by realizing the cause of discontent and learning to speak about it directly.
What to do?
Instead of turning on half a turn, give yourself time to “feel” what was said: “What do these words awaken in me?”
The challenge is to determine where emotions fit into your relationships with people and learn to draw the line between emotional outbursts and logical reasoning.
Try also to express thoughts in two steps. “What you say makes me angry (laughs, puzzles).” And only then: “Here’s what I think about …”
Find what you agree with
Ask yourself: what will happen if I agree? Why is this situation dangerous for me? Try to find in the words of the interlocutor something with which you could agree. Give arguments for, not against, and develop the topic further. Instead of the usual “Yes, but …” say “Yes, and …”.
Start a conversation first
Don’t wait for a reason to react to what others have to say. This will not allow you to contradict, just to demonstrate your own point of view. You will not be able to become an “oppositionist”, because it is you who will propose a topic for conversation.
Advice for those around you
Do not add fuel to the fire – do not look for arguments in defense of your innocence. On the contrary, in the words of the interlocutor who is inclined to contradict, find something with which you agree, tell him about the ideas that you share.
When you feel safe, it’s easier to maintain a balanced relationship. If the spirit of contradiction is so strong that the interlocutor contradicts himself, point out this – perhaps this will help him realize his problem.