Tocophobia: “I had a panic fear of giving birth”
When I was 10, I thought I was a little mother with my sister who was much younger than me. As a teenager, I always imagined myself married to a prince charming, with whom I would have lots of children! Like in fairy tales! After two or three love affairs, I met Vincent on my 26th birthday. I knew very quickly that he was the man of my life: he was 28 years old and we loved each other madly. We got married very quickly and the first few years were idyllic, until one day Vincent expressed his desire to become a dad. To my amazement, I burst into tears and was seized with tremors! Vincent did not understand my reaction, because we got along perfectly. I suddenly realized that if I had the desire to be pregnant and become a mother, just the thought of giving birth put me in an indescribable state of panic … I didn’t understand why I was reacting so badly. Vincent was completely distraught and tried to get me to tell me the reasons for my fear. No result. I closed in on myself and asked him not to talk to me about it for now.
Six months later, one day when we were very close to each other, he spoke to me again about having a child. He said very tender things to me like: “You will make such a pretty mother”. I “threw him away” by telling him that we had time, that we were young… Vincent no longer knew which way to turn and our relationship began to weaken. I had the folly not to try to explain my fears to him. I started to question myself. I realized, for example, that I always skip the TV when there were reports on maternity wards., that my heart was in panic if by chance there was a question of childbirth. I suddenly remembered that a teacher had shown us a documentary on childbirth and that I had left the class because I was nauseous! I must have been about 16 years old. I even had a nightmare about it.
And then, time has done its work, I forgot everything! And suddenly, being knocked against the wall since my husband was talking to me about building a family, the images of this film came back to me as if I had seen it the day before. I knew I was disappointing Vincent: I finally decided to tell her about my terrible fear of giving birth and of suffering. Curiously, he was relieved and tried to reassure me by telling me: “You know very well that today, with the epidural, women no longer suffer as before! “. There, I was very hard on him. I sent him back to his corner, telling him that he was a man to talk like that, that the epidural didn’t work all the time, that there were more and more episiotomies and that I didn’t. could not bear to go through all that!
And then I locked myself in our room and cried. I was so angry with myself for not being a “normal” woman! No matter how hard I tried to reason with myself, nothing helped. I was terrified of being in pain and finally I realized that I was also afraid of dying giving birth to a child …
I saw no way out, except one, to be able to benefit from a cesarean section. So, I went on the obstetricians’ round. I ended up falling on the rare pearl by consulting my third obstetrician who finally took my fears seriously. She listened to me ask questions and understood that I was suffering from a real pathology. Rather than agree to give me a cesarean when the time comes, she urged me to start therapy to overcome my phobia, which she called “tocophobia”. I did not hesitate: I wanted more than anything to be cured to finally be a mother and make my husband happy. So I started psychotherapy with a female therapist. It took more than a year, at the rate of two sessions a week, to understand and especially to talk about my mother … My mother had three daughters, and apparently, she never lived well being a woman. In addition, during one session, I remembered having surprised my mother telling one of her neighbors about the childbirth that had seen me born and which had almost cost her her life, she said! I remembered his murderous little sentences which, seemingly nothing, were anchored in my subconscious. Thanks to working with my shrink, I also relived a mini-depression, which I had when I was 16 years old, without anyone really caring. It started when my older sister gave birth to her first child. At that time, I felt bad about myself, I found that my sisters were more beautiful. In fact, I was constantly devaluing myself. This depression that no one had taken seriously had been reactivated, according to my shrink, when Vincent told me about having a child with him. Moreover, there was not a single explanation for my phobia, but multiple, which intertwined and imprisoned me.
Little by little, I untangled this bag of knots and I became less anxious about childbirth., less anxious in general. In the session, I could face the idea of giving birth to a child without immediately thinking of frightening and negative images! At the same time, I was doing sophrology, and it did me a lot of good. One day, my sophrologist made me visualize my childbirth (virtual of course!), From the first contractions to the birth of my child. And I was able to do the exercise without panicking, and even with a certain pleasure. At home I was much more relaxed. One day, I realized that my chest had really swelled. I had been taking the pill for many, many years and didn’t think it was possible to get pregnant. I did, without believing it, a pregnancy test, and I had to face the facts: I was expecting a baby! I had forgotten a pill one evening, which had never happened to me. I had tears in my eyes, but this time of happiness!
My shrink, to whom I was quick to announce it, explained to me that I had just done a wonderful missed act and that forgetting the pill was without a doubt a process of resilience. Vincent was overjoyed and I lived a rather serene pregnancy, even if, the more the fateful date approached, the more I had outbursts of anguish …
To be on the safe side, I asked my obstetrician if she would agree to give me a caesarean, if I was losing control when I was ready to give birth. She accepted and that reassured me terribly. At a little less than nine months, I felt the first contractions and it is true that I was afraid. Arrived at the maternity ward, I asked to have the epidural installed as soon as possible, which was done. And miracle, she delivered me very quickly from the pains that I dreaded so much. The whole team was aware of my problem and they were very understanding. I gave birth without an episiotomy, and quite quickly, as if I didn’t want to tempt the devil! All of a sudden I saw my baby boy on my stomach and my heart exploded with joy! I found my little Leo beautiful and looking so serene… My son is now 2 years old and I tell myself, in a little corner of my head, that he will soon have a little brother or a little sister …