Contents
From the simplest day-to-day activities to the grand plans for the future, everything becomes incredibly complex when one gets hung up on the little things. Let’s try to figure out what is behind this inability to act simply.
ANGELA, 49, pharmacist
Life has always been difficult for me. As a child, I was afraid to play because I imagined what a mess it would turn out to be. When I was a teenager, a few weeks before any party, I began to think about how I should dress, how to do my homework in advance, who to go there with, how to behave, and so on … Often, as a result, I didn’t go anywhere at all. But everything was always in order with studies, especially in the natural sciences. Later, at the university, I met a man who was engaged in body-oriented therapy. Thanks to the exercises he showed me, I breathed more freely, learned not to attach much importance to ordinary things. Now I know: the whole point was that I was brought up too strictly. And I used to always look perfect on the outside, but inside I was constantly tense.
“The car won’t start. What to do? Who to call for help? And if it can’t be fixed, will you have to change the car? This means that I will have to ask for a loan … And if they don’t give it to me, how will I take my family to the dacha? Why is life so complicated? This is how a simple car breakdown turns into a subjectively experienced catastrophe.
Some of us achieve perfection in this occupation. Any everyday difficulties are seen by such people as if through a magnifying glass. This catastrophic train of thought is connected with the notion that one problem inevitably leads to another, and then another, and so on.
Manage everything
These people are always overwhelmed with affairs, strive to manage everything, consider each situation in detail, analyze everything, trying to think through the consequences in advance. They leave no room for the slightest chance. Their goal is not to face unforeseen circumstances in any case. However, they are often lost in the abundance of details.
to be flawless
Psychoanalysts attribute this behavior to the striving for perfection (perfectionism) caused by strict upbringing in childhood. When, for example, a child is taught hygiene, he understands that he can please his mother by remaining clean, or upset her if he gets dirty, and for the first time feels his power over another person. If parents are overly demanding, the child comes to the conclusion that he is loved only if he is really perfect. Growing up, he continues to behave in this way, but to no avail, because impeccability means that you need to keep both yourself and the whole world around you under control.
Tips for an outsider:
“Come on!”, “Don’t start”, “Be simpler” … Such advice is heard every day by those for whom life is one big difficulty. This does not make it easier for them, because they are just the most afraid of relaxing and letting everything take its course. Another thing is to invite them to spend time together: at dinner, at the dacha, at the cinema, at an exhibition. If you manage to interest a person, persuade him to trust you, he may enjoy an unexpected vacation, which he did not need to worry about in advance. The only condition: the surprise must be thought out and organized in advance so that it does not cause additional anxiety.
What to do?
Organize your time. In order not to get confused in the mass of cases, sort them by importance and set clear deadlines. Looking at the schedule, it is easier to decide in what order to take on individual tasks. This will allow you to manage your time in a new way without panicking.
Sort the little things. To focus on the big things, start small. List them by species, then combine the species into larger categories. And also distribute them into groups. As a result, a small set of tasks remains.
Deal with rubbish. You are going to invite your friends to dinner. “How many to call? Will they like each other? How to seat them? It seems that two of them recently quarreled … “So what? Trifling experiences recede before this question, because it reveals their irrational nature. Say to yourself: “Suppose the guests do not get along with each other – so what? It has nothing to do with me.”
Relax your muscles. The more you fuss, the more intractable problems seem and the more tired you become. To break this vicious circle, one must learn to relax the body and thus calm the emotions. By learning to face difficulties calmly, you can better focus on finding a solution. Try to take a few slow deep breaths in and out, or mentally transport yourself briefly into the most pleasant memory or dream. Self-regulation can be learned in special trainings.
separation anxiety
The irresistible desire to complicate everything also speaks of the fear of “completion”. The end of any business or relationship for such a person is associated with the experience of loneliness, emptiness and even death. Instead of looking at life philosophically, he is constantly worried, endlessly looking for and finding flaws in his work, he does everything to push back the unbearable moment of parting with the result of his work, when he has to say to himself: “It’s over.”
Psychoanalysts associate the reasons for such anxiety with the first experience of separation experienced in childhood. For the time being, the child feels completely merged with the mother, and even a short separation from her hurts him. If for some reason such situations were not completed, the sadness from separation did not dissolve into the joy of meeting, affection and love, anxiety can accompany a person all his life.
stay a child
Another explanation: people who are simply unprepared to face the difficulties of life tend to panic. Such a strategy may be characteristic of a person who was too spoiled and patronized in childhood, who was used to having his every desire immediately fulfilled. Having matured, he is still unable to face reality, to come to terms with the need to make his own efforts. It is more convenient and safer to raise a task to the rank of impossible. This happens unconsciously: one thought about possible difficulties automatically causes an endless chain of reasoning and experiences. As a result, a person finds a reassuring explanation for inaction: the task is simply too difficult.