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To part with one – and again choose a partner with a similar character, manners and style of behavior, so that later you will suffer again because of this. What predetermined such a choice? And how to get rid of repetitions?
“The same thing happened to me: each of my chosen ones turned out to be a deceitful, aggressive manipulator. It never crossed my mind to connect it with family history. My father’s behavior towards me bordered on incest, although at the time I liked that we had a secret with him.
Two years ago, I plucked up the courage to talk to my parents. The conversation turned out to be difficult, but I experienced tremendous relief. I felt free! Six months later, I met someone who is not like my previous partners, ”says 39-year-old Tatyana, a coach.
Elena is 31 years old, and she always falls in love only with “inaccessible subscribers”, travelers who go to distant lands for a long time, or workaholics. Anton is 44, he has already been married three times, and each time to “a woman prone to depression, who had to be constantly taken care of.” Can they avoid constant repetition?
Why is this happening
I try to replay the past
“The close relationship that we establish with another person bears the imprint of our childhood interactions with mother and father,” says psychologist Daria Kostevich, “as if “parameters” were laid in our unconscious by which we find the object of love.
Children deprived of emotional bonds with their parents are more likely to repeat this experience in adulthood. Elena tries to feel the love of her father, who was not there. Anton wants to believe that his mother loved him, although due to illness she hardly communicated with her son.
“Their scenarios of love relationships are an unconscious attempt to restore the situation, but to turn it for the better (it was impossible to change mom or dad, but now there seems to be a chance), to feel enough warmth and love,” emphasizes Daria Kostevich. Maybe that’s why Elena is trying to get her partner back home. And Anton feels better if his wife’s condition improves thanks to his care.
I find it hard to love myself
But the feeling of satisfaction is too short to satisfy the emotional hunger. Healing usually doesn’t happen. “Because these relationships involve not two adults, but a child inside an adult who is trying to get from another adult what his own parents did not give him,” explains the psychologist.
Those who are too tired from constant efforts leave the couple, so that after a respite they can do it all over again. Others continue to fight for lost love all their lives.
“But the point is not to change the other so that he gives us enough love, but to learn to love, appreciate and take care of himself, to realize his integrity,” insists Daria Kostevich. For Elena, it means to stop worrying when her friend is not with her. For Anton – to free himself from the desire to be necessary for his wife.
I hold on to conventional notions
But habits are hard to break—especially those that we are not aware of. “Each of us has a belief system that influences all of our behavior,” explains psychoanalyst Jean Cottro.
For example, our communication style might be based on the idea that a person “should” be active, or that it “should” be interested in other people. These thoughts come automatically to us and make us repeat what we are used to. After all, changing one’s own ideas, moving away from the beaten path means moving in an unknown direction. And we unwittingly resist it!
“Such cognitive schemes are part of our psyche, and they are associated with the instinct of self-preservation: if we have already adapted to a situation, then we can live in it,” argues Jean Cottro. Whereas an unfamiliar situation is unconsciously perceived as a threat to survival.
What to do?
Realize your role
Don’t view your preferences as a recurring mistake or as a disease – each of us has a favorite type of man or woman. But in order to understand yourself, reconsider the whole history of your life. What was your role in the family as a child? Are you able today to no longer try it on yourself or, on the contrary, no longer discard it?
Determine your needs
As often as possible, ask yourself questions: what is happening to me? What are my feelings now? Are these feelings related to the here-and-now situation, to my partner, or is it a “hello from the past”?
Do my demands for him correspond to the adult relationship of a couple, or is it the cry of an offended child inside me? How can I help my child myself without shifting responsibility for my wounds and needs to a partner?
Actively influence relationships
Ask yourself the question: what will you get if you play the same scenario again? This is not about developing guilt, but about becoming an active creator of existing or future relationships. Refuse to pander to your partner and wait for their approval. Ask yourself: what do I need, how do I see my place in a pair? Write it down.
Any vicious circle can be broken, any scenario can be changed if there is a desire and willingness to act.