At crowded parties, it’s easy to be among strangers. And some of us are completely lost, not knowing what to talk about, how to behave. What is the reason for such stiffness? And how to fix it?
Marianna, 34 years old, marketer
“Friends know that in the company it is difficult for me to talk to those whom I do not know at all. And since they are real friends, they found a way to make my task easier: when one of them organizes a holiday, he calls me the day before and tells me a little about the guests. That one works there, that one has a hobby… Of course, there are no surprises, but I still don’t like surprises. But I feel more confident when I know something about another person, and it’s easier for me to start a conversation.
During corporate parties, looking back at unfamiliar colleagues from other departments, 28-year-old Andrey wonders: “How do they all manage to chat with each other so easily?” A lawyer by profession, he communicates a lot with strangers. But what to talk about with someone to whom he has nothing to do remains a mystery to Andrei.
The stereotype bothers me. “That small talk is fake and only an empty person gets pleasure from it, I learned from school when we discussed the salon of Anna Pavlovna Scherer from Tolstoy’s novel *,” recalls 37-year-old Victoria. – And I didn’t want to be empty, and I stayed away from parties. But since then, finding myself in the company, every time I feel out of my element. How strongly do cultural stereotypes affect us? “For the French, for example, in a conversation it is important to show themselves to be educated people, and an American or Canadian will first of all try to arouse sympathy in the interlocutor,” says psychotherapist Isabelle Nazare-Aga (Izabelle Nazare-Aga). But perhaps it’s not just about cultural values, says developmental psychologist Natalya Evsikova: “Among people of all nationalities, there are sociable and reserved people: we learn behavior patterns in the parental family and, in accordance with them, choose ideals in literature or cinema.”
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I’m afraid of another. “Don’t talk to strangers!” – a phrase that we all heard in childhood. “This is a reasonable warning, but the question is who exactly was considered a stranger,” continues Natalia Evsikova. – If friends and relatives come to the family, and parents take their children to visit, then a stranger is a stranger on the street. If the parents live closed and wary, then anyone who is not part of the family can be considered a stranger. And if you perceive any other as a potential threat, it is not surprising that you will not want to approach him.
I do not have experience. The wider the circle of communication of parents, the more opportunities the child has to observe different ways of communication and engage in dialogue himself. Of course, provided that he is not forbidden. “Don’t bother adults!”, “Be quiet before you are asked” – these parental remarks, repeated regularly, can create an internal barrier that prevents us from engaging in a casual conversation. “The inability to communicate may not be a psychological problem, but an inability,” notes the psychologist. – In adolescence, we will try out our entire behavioral repertoire on our peers: we learn to understand how interesting we are to another, when we need to shorten the distance, and when to increase it. We learn a lot of things that are behind the words.” But if, from the age of 12 to 18, a teenager’s communication was strictly limited to adults, he is left without this important experience. “Some feel great in the role of closed people and are content with the narrowest circle of friends,” continues Natalia Evsikova. “But if you decide that this is not enough for you, the only way out is to feel like a teenager again and start learning.”
* L. Tolstoy “War and Peace” (Eksmo, 2011).
What to do?
Find the right place
If you feel uncomfortable in a large hall full of people, go around it and find a corner where you feel most comfortable. One is more pleasant to stand near the window, others prefer to lean against the wall. Arrange yourself in a way that makes you feel more secure, and for starters, just observe the people and the environment.
Repeat what others are doing
In an unfamiliar place, you can get useful information by looking closely at how other guests behave. Gradually, you can join in their actions. Everyone is dancing – at least stomp to the beat. Everyone fills the plates – take a piece for yourself. This will help you feel like a part of what is happening, and not a random traveler at someone else’s ball.
Choose good people to talk to
Before you talk to anyone, look around and choose five people who seem likeable to you. People who feel your affection for themselves will more easily respond to your remarks. And if the first does not answer, go to the second, to the third and so on.