“I can’t take money from relatives and friends for services”: how to change this?

You notice that now you don’t want to just give your time and resources to people, even those close to you. This is already an important step. Now you can think about what reasons and beliefs prevent you from taking money.

1. Desire to be nice to relatives and friends

As a rule, we are all very afraid that they will stop loving us. As if by taking money from loved ones, we are doing something so bad that it will make everyone turn away from us. “Well, is it difficult to do the work for free again? No, I feel uncomfortable taking money, even if they themselves offer to pay. There is still a big risk (that the service will not be liked, that the payment will affect our relationship, that I will be considered an upstart, and so on).”

Try to respond to such thoughts by reasoning “on the contrary.” Perhaps it is important for your close and dear person to thank you for the service rendered, to show generosity and financially support your undertaking? What if you deprive your loved one of the opportunity to say a sincere “thank you” to you?

2. Difficulties with building personal boundaries

“Having learned that I trained as a hairdresser, all the relatives lined up. – says Anna, 37 years old. “They are glad that I can now cut their hair, and every time we meet, at least someone will remember that it’s time to trim the ends. Of course, there is no question of payment. It’s hard for me to refuse, because this is relatives. ”

Many of us are faced with the violation of personal boundaries in the family since childhood. First, it’s “go hug your grandfather, otherwise he will be offended” (although right now you really don’t want to), then “cut your hair quickly, is it difficult for you, or what”? And if in childhood it is quite difficult to resist relatives, then growing up is the time to learn to stand up for yourself.

Becoming, for example, a hairdresser, you do not automatically become a master for the whole family. You have the right to refuse and take payment. You are an independent person who needs remuneration for his work in order to live, develop, work and relax.

A new profession is a great opportunity to train the ability to stand up for yourself. If you are not ready for financial relations with relatives, but you don’t want to do it for free, think about barter. After all, your loved ones can do something too. This can become a kind of springboard from gratuitous provision of services to paid ones. And it will make your relatives at least think that your work is worth something.

3. Imposter’s syndrome

Are you confident in yourself as a specialist, are you confident enough in the quality of your work to take money for it? Is it really the fact that they are waiting for relatives and friends? Or do you generally not think that your work is not worth paying?

Distract from someone who wants to get something from you for free, and listen to yourself. Ask yourself some questions. Is the price you set for your services really comfortable for you? What do you feel when you call her “into the void”? What about a stranger? What about a close relative or friend?

Listen to the voice that speaks within you as you consider the price of your work. Whose voice is it, what does it really want to tell you? It is quite possible that your internal impostor, who does not allow you to take money for your work, is the one who really needs to be dealt with. And relatives have nothing to do with it.

4. Difficult relationship with money

Recall what you have heard about money since childhood. Do you associate them with something dirty, evil, greedy, dishonest? How did your parents talk about finances? “We must be content with little”, “happiness is not in money”, “an artist must be hungry” – if you often heard such phrases in childhood, most likely these are your inner attitudes and beliefs. And perhaps it is they who prevent you from receiving remuneration for your work.

Write down all the phrases that come to mind when you think about money. Analyze them. Consider how much you agree with them. Think about how you would like to rephrase them.

5. How can you support yourself?

• Remember that your work has cost you time and money. You really invested heavily in a new business. Moreover, in order to develop in the profession, you are probably already planning advanced training to do your job even better. All this costs money. If you work for free, how do you get all this?
• As a rule, free is valued less than paid. Relative, friend or stranger – we really appreciate only what we get by making an effort. Give the person opposite the opportunity to truly appreciate your work, take payment from him.
• Вы ценны и достойны любви просто потому, что вы есть, а не потому, что дарите близким и друзьям ваши услуги. Возможно, человек, считающий иначе, не особенно вам близок. И ситуация, когда вы освоили новую профессию — это дополнительная возможность по-новому взглянуть на отношения с окружающими.