I can’t sell myself at all.

“I would really like a raise…” 38-year-old Natalya, a tax inspector, sighs. But I don’t even know how to start a conversation about it. At the end of the year meeting, the leader congratulates everyone, and once again I politely thank him and return to my seat.

Some of us continue to silently suffer from the fact that they are not noticed, or change jobs without waiting for a promotion in the same place. Probably, all the shy will see in Natalia a resemblance to themselves. But what exactly prevents us from moving up the career ladder?

I can’t negotiate

“I don’t want to ask for what I already deserve,” Natalia complains. Specific merits, such as the profit that an employee brings to the company, the increase in his qualifications, the increase in responsibility and the amount of work, are real reasons for an employee to enter into negotiations with management for a promotion or salary increase.

“Negotiation is an Adult-Adult relationship, according to the Eric Berne personality model,” explains coach Irina Shestakova. “But many people perceive their working relationships in accordance with the family model: subordinates are children, and the leader is a parent. Then the main emphasis falls on the personal feelings of the manager: whether he likes the employee or not. And the employee can only ask for it, as a junior senior, and is guided not by his skills, but by how his superiors treat him.

I don’t know myself well

Others will not be able to appreciate us if we do not appreciate ourselves. And such an underestimation, in turn, is a consequence of ignorance, Irina Shestakova believes: “If we have a poor idea of ​​what we want and what we can, what are our communication and professional skills, we do not see our value and cannot formulate an exact request. In addition, we often identify with our activities.”

By doing something insignificant, we tend to evaluate ourselves as insignificant people who do not have the right to expect better conditions.

I’m afraid to take risks

We often automatically replay familiar scenarios. “Maintaining the existing order of things allows us to avoid meeting the unknown, the risk,” notes the social psychologist Isabelle Methenier. “The absence of change provides internal security.”

Fear of rejection, of not being able to complete a task, of coming into conflict with superiors or colleagues… “But what is it, the fear of failure or that you will have to work harder if you succeed?” the psychologist asks. Our fears give us an extra reason to maintain our habitual position. At least as long as it suits us somehow.

How to start change?

Ask yourself a question

Maybe it’s time to think: “Why can’t I put myself right? What do I lack – qualifications or self-confidence? How does this affect my professional, social, family life?”

Imagine that you finally got a new assignment or a pay raise. What are you losing? Maybe your big salary puts you in an awkward position in front of your spouse? Or does the new position make you feel guilty about your colleagues?

Look into the past

Each of us reproduces those scenarios that were once laid down. Look into your childhood. Ask yourself: “Who does my boss resemble – his look, gait, intonation? Maybe someone from the past behaved in a similar way, and today I communicate with the boss in the same way that the child I used to behave with the elder?

The better we know our past, the better we understand what controls us. This understanding helps to move from the position of the spectator to the position of the actor.

To take training

The state of the Adult is that internal position in which one can conduct reasoned negotiations, and also perceive any of their outcomes as the result of a specific action, and not as an assessment of one’s personality as a whole.

You can learn to recognize this state in yourself and train to stay in it. To do this, for example, you can take negotiation training, where you will be helped to work out the desired behavior in specific situations.