I can’t say thank you

«Do you like this toy? Say “thank you” to your aunt, they teach us politeness from childhood. We take an example from our parents and (or) diligently do what they tell us: we greet, thank, listen patiently, give way … Gradually we learn the rules of good manners and begin to smile broadly, accepting gifts or congratulations, even if we consider them not very appropriate… However, some words of gratitude are still hard to come by. There are several explanations for this.

feel indebted

Receiving something as a gift, we unwittingly find ourselves in the position of a debtor. After all, as in ancient times, any offering requires a symbolic payment in return — it can be a counter gift, and gratitude, and even a feeling of dependence on the donor.

“At such a moment, it is especially difficult for anxious people,” says social psychologist Elena Farba. — The situation seems to them almost violence: “I didn’t ask for anything. And what should I do now to get out of a difficult situation?

Don’t trust others

“Often the inability to give thanks indicates a high degree of distrust of the world,” says psychotherapist Gonzag Masquelier. — Compliments or gifts are perceived only as a desire to get something in return. The credo of such people is: «No one can be trusted.»

Such an attitude is often passed on to children from parents who live with the firm conviction that others are not capable of being sincere, and the world is inhabited by hypocrites.

Problems with self-esteem

To thank means to be able to openly admit that we experience pleasure, joy. That is, in a sense, to expose yourself, to reveal your inner world.

“It is difficult for those who have low self-esteem to do this,” explains gestalt therapist Natalia Plekhanova. “He who does not love himself, does not trust himself, cannot enjoy a gift, kind words, sincere joy — he accepts them with embarrassment (because he does not deserve it), and then feels guilty for a long time.”

At the other extreme are adults who have grown out of spoiled, jaded children. Such a person simply does not attach importance to the fact that they give him something, because he is convinced that it cannot be otherwise. He is unable to recognize the generous gesture of another, because he lives with the feeling that the most beautiful thing in the world, the most valuable gift, is himself.

Dream of perfection

Psychiatrist Frederic Fange notes another reason for this behavior: perfectionism. Constantly striving for perfection, such people cannot accept a gift or praise on occasion — for some, albeit insignificant, intermediate result — and tend to view congratulations as words spoken out of place, and even as an insult: “As soon as they could think, that the minimum that I have reached needs approval! Yes, they just underestimate me!

What to do?

Give thanks in different ways

If you do not want to offend the interlocutor, replace the words of gratitude with a sincere expression of your feelings: “I am very embarrassed by your gift”, “I am so uncomfortable that you spend so much time and attention on me.”

Express ones opinion

Everyone has the right to think that the compliment that is addressed to him is unjustified or needs to be clarified. Do not be silent, say about it: «I’m not sure that you are right.»

To compliment

Those who find it difficult to receive usually find it difficult to give. To be ready to accept compliments, you should learn how to say them.

Replace words with gestures

In addition to words, there are other ways to express gratitude: an approving look, a smile, a gesture … If something prevented you from thanking you right away, as an alternative to words that were not uttered in time, just make the person pleasant. A surprise, a gift or a compliment will be relevant in the coming days.