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They try to help everyone around. They agree to any request and even try to lend when their own wallet is almost empty. Why is it so difficult for some of us to say the word “no”?
“The less strength we have, the more willingly we waste it – such a paradox,” says existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova. – Therefore, those who are really tired often cannot say no. But there are other reasons for failure as well. So, it can be one of the symptoms of depression. “This disease gives rise to specific ways of thinking,” explains Svetlana Krivtsova. “In particular, a person suddenly begins to experience an acute desire to make everyone happy, takes on any business – and for that which others refuse.”
Stay obedient child
“Even at a very young age, most children can confidently say no,” continues Svetlana Krivtsova. “But if adults do not notice their desire to defend their position, do not take their opinions seriously, the child gets the feeling that only the wishes of other people really matter, and his own views and values are of no interest.” As a result, such a person does not value himself highly, and other people’s desires become a priority for him.
“When a child lives in an atmosphere of unconditional submission,” adds Svetlana Krivtsova, “he grows up as an obedient and dependent person, lives with the fear of not being able to cope with the situation on his own in the event of a conflict or disagreement with those who are higher on the hierarchical ladder.” The fear of making a mistake, making a mistake makes him agree and fulfill the requests of colleagues and management without fail.
Feel like a hero
The desire to help their neighbor, not to disappoint them, seems to them an important reason for never saying no. But often this desire also testifies to something else – to an unconscious need to again (as in childhood) feel one’s omnipotence. “If reliability is part of the behavior of a person at the age of 35-40, this most likely indicates his psychological immaturity,” Svetlana Krivtsova believes. “He is at odds with himself, unable to distinguish between what gives him pleasure and what is an excessive experience.” Such people need to “get into a fight” in order to better understand themselves. And when a person lives according to the principle “Isn’t it weak for me?”, He perceives any offer and request as a challenge. And the answer is yes!
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“I don’t regret saying yes”
Kristina, 29 years old, illustrator
“At school, I always did my math homework for my friends; later, if I was invited to a cafe by a person who was completely uninteresting to me, I agreed. Not to mention the hundreds of things I did to avoid upsetting my friends or the clothes I bought even if they didn’t suit me.
I just couldn’t say no: I felt I had to, or I did it out of politeness. But somehow my friend asked me: “What do you want yourself?” And I didn’t find an answer for it. And then, as if something clicked in me. For a year now, I have regularly met with a psychotherapist. I am learning to take care of myself, to set my own goals. I have already achieved a lot – I found my calling in my work. And for the first time I do not regret that I said yes – yes to the course of action that seemed to me so unconvincing.
What to do?
- Think about yourself If you feel that it is difficult for you to refuse others, take a time out, allow yourself to rest.
- Pause Try not to answer immediately. Do not rush, weigh all the pros and cons.
- Reject the request, not the one who asksYour refusal does not mean a break in relations with the one who turned to you with a request. It only matters in this situation and does not apply to the rest of your life.
- Asking Questions If you feel pressured, ask directly, “Why are you so insistent?” This will allow you to seize the initiative and not feel like a victim.
- Do not refer to external circumstances Your refusal should reflect your position, otherwise the interlocutor will have the feeling that he chose the wrong moment and should try again.
Advice to an outsider
When we encounter someone who always answers “yes, yes, of course,” it’s hard for us to understand how sincere this person is. But even he often cannot figure out how ready to help us. Moreover, by his behavior he easily turns us into unwitting manipulators. Do not trust his first “yes”, reformulate your question or request (several times) – this will help to understand the true motives of his consent. Become his loud inner voice, which he still has difficulty hearing.