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The hardest part of friendship is not making new friends, but maintaining relationships with existing ones. Those who do not master this art often suffer, losing friends. But there are ways to remedy the situation.
“I was always surprised by the expression “best friend”. I have dozens of friends, and not all of them are forever, ”admits Alexey. At 33, he adheres to the idea that people can be considered friends exactly as long as they have common interests.
“Too much of our time is determined by considerations of utility, so why should we make an exception for friendships?” he wonders. However, this approach may seem too pragmatic to many.
giving and receiving
“My laziness is to blame for everything,” says 36-year-old Tatyana. “Someone needs to be called, someone needs to be met… Friendship takes time and effort.” As well as attention, affection, mutual interest, readiness to provide a service or support a friend when necessary. Like all close relationships, friendship is based on mutual exchange: we give in order to receive, and vice versa. However, there are those to whom such a “reciprocal exchange” causes difficulties.
“These are primarily narcissistic personalities, too passionate about themselves to give their attention to other people,” explains French psychiatrist Gerard Apfeldorfer. – Giving, they feel empty, and therefore try to avoid relationships where something is expected of them in return. And dependent individuals, who, on the contrary, are ready to dissolve in a loved one, but it is difficult for them to receive love and care from him in return: the need to be the object of attention is uncomfortable for them. Their friends feel awkward, they may even feel that they are being manipulated, and this destroys the relationship.
Pseudo-independence
Gerard Apfeldorfer also refers to those who are “very independent”, who claim that “they do not want to owe anything to others.” However, this declared independence is often just a pretext that indicates that a person is afraid to become attached to someone.
“Friendship is a relationship that is built on trust and sincere self-disclosure and at the same time makes us very vulnerable,” says family therapist Lucy Mikaelian. – Avoiding attachment, we are unconsciously afraid of being rejected, misunderstood, criticized and, as a result, experience strong and unpleasant emotions (resentment, anger, humiliation). And if the usual way to deal with painful experiences is to end the relationship that caused them, friendships will be either brief or superficial.”
“I took the first step”
Natalia, 30 years old, teacher
“It seemed that I had everything in my life: family, profession, hobby … Well, friends. Somewhere on the periphery of my life, but there were. All this suited me until my classmates forgot to invite me to the wedding. What hurt me the most was that everyone I called friends was there, everyone except me. After discussing this with my therapist, I realized that in order to be friends with someone, it is not enough to know that you are friends. Family, work, hobbies – all this absorbed me so much that I completely distanced myself from friends. I didn’t know how they were doing, how they lived. I have never seen my best friend’s one year old son! Realizing this, I took the first step – I invited everyone to visit me. After all, they were not in my new apartment either. Now we see each other once a month, and if not, we follow the Internet to see what is happening to each of us.”
One gap hides another
“It is difficult to maintain friendship for someone who has not fully gained independence from parents who do not allow them to be independent, constantly control and patronize,” adds Lucy Mikaelyan. – In dealing with them, it is difficult for such a person to build a reasonable emotional distance. If we forbid ourselves to break off relations with our parents, then in friendship such a break is possible – and this manifests our desire for separation, separation from the family.
In this case, it is important to understand whether this trend is only about friendship or whether it affects other areas of life (for example, work, personal life). If so, then psychotherapy may be needed.
What to do?
Prioritize
Is friendship important to you? Make a list of what makes you happy: love, family, career, friends, hobbies, travel. Then calculate what percentage of your time you are willing to devote to each item. The purpose of the exercise is to help you find a balance between your interests and the time you are willing to devote to them.
Organize yourself
More often than not, there is not enough time to maintain friendship, not desire. The simplest advice is to include communication with friends in your plans, do not wait until you are called: most likely, at this moment you will be busy and the meeting will not take place again. Only by paying attention, you can get it in return.
Confess your weakness
Tell me honestly: “You know, I can’t communicate with you often and for a long time, but this does not mean that I don’t think about you.” The very fact of such recognition is proof of your trust in friends, and it is this that will fuel your friendship. Of course, if you do not turn it into an excuse on duty.
Tips for others
If it is your partner, you can try to instill in him a taste for friendship. Invite guests, call him to meetings with your friends, ask him about those with whom he meets. If you recognize your friend in these descriptions, the tactics should be different. It is useless to constantly call him, reminding him of himself and offering to meet. There is a risk that he will start avoiding you. It is best to find some common cause or hobby. This is what will help restore your relationship.