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Cake or ice cream? Skirt or trousers? For some of us, making a choice even in the most banal issues is a real test. Why such chronic indecision?
To be or not to be, that is the question! Perhaps the words of Hamlet best describe a man who is so insecure. “He knows that he must kill his stepfather, and he hesitates only because the goal he is pursuing unconsciously frightens him,” explains Nifont Dolgopolov, a Gestalt therapist. – He strives for the ideal and is tormented by his own imperfection. And therefore cannot be fully satisfied with any of the solutions.
At that moment, when a person should give an unambiguous answer and is not able to do this, real panic can seize him. “He feels embarrassed, annoyed, embarrassed, feels guilty for dragging out time,” says Nifont Dolgopolov. “These feelings are exacerbated and can develop into irritation and even anger if his companion or companion begins to push or criticize him.”
Paradoxically, the more he hesitates, the more sure he really is about what to do. But still waiting for someone to make the decision for him. Such an unconscious strategy gives a person the opportunity not to take responsibility for the consequences and for the choices made by others.
«Я учусь слушать свои желания»
Ekaterina, 36 years old, doctor
“When I have to choose black trousers or a red dress in the store, I buy both. For several years now I have been hesitant to leave the hospital to go into private practice. I am not able to connect my life with the man I love, because I cannot answer simple questions: should we live together or not? Have kids or wait?
As soon as I have to make a choice, I involuntarily begin to procrastinate, procrastinate, as if waiting for someone to decide for me … The situation became so unbearable that I decided to take a course in transactional analysis.
I am working with my therapist to learn to listen to my desires, trying not to be guided by the opinions and tastes of my authoritarian mother. My path of healing is to finally release my inner child, still living in me, who has been deprived of the right to speak since childhood.
Fear of mistakes
Those who find it difficult to make their own decisions suffer from self-doubt. They are afraid of making mistakes, because having made a choice in favor of, say, one dish in a restaurant, they have to refuse others that are presented on the menu.
“Self-doubt becomes the main property of a person if, from early childhood, when making a decision, he is used to relying on the opinions of others – parents, friends or people who are authoritative for him,” explains Nifont Dolgopolov.
– Such a tactic of behavior develops in a child if his parents are authoritarian and adhere to a strict parenting style. They constantly evaluate the child, criticize his behavior, his preferences, make decisions for him … And he gradually ceases to rely on himself.
A discouraging choice
Sometimes the need to settle for a single option confuses even the most resourceful of us. As a rule, the breadth of possibilities is discouraging. But the reasons for such confusion are not that we do not know how to choose. On the contrary, we often know which solution, for example, will bring profit to our company or to us personally, and which one will not.
“But in general matters, the selection criteria are not related to our personal preferences and tastes,” explains Nifont Dolgopolov, “but in a restaurant or a store they depend directly on them. We need to choose a dish simply because we like it, guided by the principle “I want it that way”, and not because it is cheaper or objectively tastier.”
And often those who rarely think about what they like, what they really need are lost. And they act out of habit or on the basis of the fact that “it is customary”, listening to advertising or the advice of friends.
Advice for those around you
It is pointless for an indecisive person to give advice, but it is dangerous to make decisions for him, because then he will lay all the responsibility on you. Another mistake is to blame him for inaction: this will increase his negative attitude towards himself.
Help him figure out what is preventing him from being more decisive. Make it clear that he only clings to self-doubt because he focuses on hypothetical losses rather than potential gains. It is difficult for a self-doubting person to recognize the consequences of his indecision. Point out to him what can happen if he never learns to make his own decisions.
What to do?
1. Do not be afraid to take risks
Challenge yourself, others and win – learn to enjoy it. Every decision we make, like every victory over ourselves, strengthens our self-confidence. Use the technique of model behavior: choose for yourself a brave, determined person who, in your opinion, can serve as an example of success and willpower. And every time you make a decision, ask yourself: what would he do in my place?
2. Change position
You are mistaken when you confidently say about yourself: “I am not able to make this decision.” In fact, you are like Molière’s Monsieur Jourdain, who did not even suspect that he had been speaking prose all his life until he was told about it. After all, from morning to evening, every day you make a lot of decisions! So change your perspective: be more attentive to the decisions that you yourself made today.