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They try very hard to win and perceive defeat as a tragedy. Their experiences are incomprehensible to others: it’s just a game! Why is it so important for some of us to always be a winner? And is it possible to learn how to play easily, with pleasure?
The face turns to stone, the playing board flies to the side, the door slams … The party was cut short.
“They experience their defeat in the game as a deep wound inflicted on their ego,” explains Jungian analyst Maria Lomova. – To lose for such a person means to suddenly feel completely devalued. And it hurts a lot.”
Most of us lose with a light heart and laugh when we fail again. But the one who does not know how to lose does not forgive himself for defeat. Someone else’s victory becomes for him a reason to reproach himself for his failure. “And he starts playing again in order to once again try to feel his superiority,” says psychotherapist Sergei Medvedev. For such people, life is a constant competition. Play is just a special case.
The pursuit of excellence
Defeat in the game cannot be hidden. He always has at least one witness. For someone who suffers because of a loss, defeat also means that others will see his failure.
“He is afraid that his imperfection will cause those around him not to want to communicate with him, that he will not be good enough for them,” Sergei Medvedev continues. This is often the feeling of those who in childhood were punished by their parents for the slightest failure. Trying to win at all costs, they are now trying to fulfill their need to become the best, perfect, recognized by all. “The game (in case of victory) helps them assert themselves,” emphasizes Maria Lomova. “External success proves its own importance, and the loss means that it is lost again.”
“I became more confident playing in a team”
Mark, 28, legal advisor
“Since childhood, I have only participated in games where I had a great chance of winning. Failure scared me, I was not ready to take risks. As a child, my parents yielded to me, succumbed, and I always emerged victorious. And later, with friends, the situation changed. I began to lose sometimes and was completely unprepared for this. As soon as I felt that the game was not going out, I got angry, often I could not even finish the game … I was angry that I was making great efforts, but still losing. It was so unfair!
I worried for a long time, dreamed of revenge! My buddies labeled me “can’t lose.” Today, although I can’t always laugh at myself, I feel more confident. I prefer team games, they require less recognition of personal achievements. And I’m not the only one to blame if the team loses.
Thirst for control
Just a game? For those who don’t know how to lose, it’s something much more. The game is the reverse side of reality, a space in which you can build your life in a different way. The game has clear rules. By this, she attracts those who are anxious in the midst of life’s chaos.
“For most of us, playing is a safe activity. In the end, you can always beat her, – recalls Maria Lomova. “But those who are acutely aware of their defeats do not realize this. And failure for them is tantamount to a threat to their lives.
They unconsciously perceive the loss as a return of chaos, unpredictability, danger. “The origins of such a worldview may be hidden in too early forced independence,” Sergey Medvedev explains, “at a time when the child still needed the support and guidance of elders.”
“Men react to defeat more sharply than women,” says Sergey Medvedev. “Maybe it’s because boys are traditionally raised to win, while girls are taught to be flexible and give in.” Losing becomes the last straw and causes an overly emotional reaction.
But the game itself is not the reason for this behavior. It’s just that the features inherent in our behavior are clearly manifested in it, since the time and space of the game are limited.
What to do?
Get your pleasure back
Play different games. Identify the ones that are of particular interest to you, and be indulgent with yourself, let you play them … with pleasure. Task: to feel the joy of the process of the game, and not from its result. Choose partners that you have confidence in and know that their attitude towards you does not depend on whether you win or lose.
change the rules
Agree with yourself that today you will certainly change your attitude to the loss (if it does happen). If you succeed, you will be a winner anyway, because you finally managed to overcome yourself.
grow up
As we get older, we feel more and more like ourselves as the driving force of our lives and get great satisfaction from this. For someone who has become an adult, the game ceases to be a competition or a battle, but again becomes just fun, entertainment …
If you can’t come to terms with your defeats and you suffer about it, then the game hides some conflicting relationship with your own life. In this case, it is worth turning to psychotherapy, because suffering is not a game.
How can you help such a person?
Think in advance which games to play at full strength, and when to give in, adapting to the manner of someone who does not know how to lose. But keep in mind that this is about understanding, not about indulging… Don’t apologize – you are not to blame for the experience of the loser; do not make fun – thereby you risk devaluing his feelings.
Parents should not constantly play giveaway with their children. After all, in this way we create in them a dangerous illusion that life will always obey their desires. It is worth explaining to them that losing is not so scary.