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The child literally clings to his mother’s skirt and cries all day, staying in the garden or school? Does your partner become very restless and write every minute: “Where are you?” Even if you just went out for bread? This may be a warning sign. What is separation anxiety disorder, how is it diagnosed and what to do if we are talking about your loved one, says psychiatrist Maria Leibovich.
The term Separation Anxiety Disorder is familiar to many mental health professionals. Now it has been included in the ICD-11 — the document that defines the international classification of diseases. This means that psychologists, psychotherapists and social workers now have more opportunities to help such people and their loved ones, improve their quality of life.
We all come from childhood
Attachment is a basic, genetically fixed need of a child, it is necessary for his survival. Experiencing pain, hunger, fear, babies cry. And the job of the mother (or any other caring adult) is to come and «rescue» them.
The type of attachment that is formed in a child depends on how well the adult «guesses» his needs and whether he responds quickly enough and effectively to his signals.
Ideally, each of us should form a secure attachment — a basic trust in the world. In this case, the child has a feeling that the world is safe, that his needs will be met.
If the mother was predominantly unavailable, did not always respond to crying, did not distinguish and did not satisfy the needs of the child, an insecure attachment may form.
Insecure Attachment
It happens that due to problems during childbirth or during the early stages of development, the child manifests a special “fragility” of the psyche. He grows painfully impressionable, shy and feels calm only if his mother is constantly around.
It is often difficult for such children to adapt to kindergarten. They cry after their mother’s care, they get sick a lot. Sometimes they are afraid that they will be taken away last or they will not come for them at all.
Staying at home, a child with such mental characteristics can imagine scary pictures of what could happen to her mother if she is late.
Attachment disorders and adolescence
These children have their own characteristics of the puberty crisis. They can appear in two ways.
- Some reactions of emancipation are formed with a delay. These are obedient teenagers who do not seek confrontation with their parents, do not make violent scenes for them, do not require them to knock on the door of their room. They may even be afraid to sleep with the door closed or sleep with a nightlight. They may be unsuccessful in communicating with a peer group.
- Sometimes children with separation anxiety disorder become withdrawn, saying that they do not need anyone to communicate. Puberty for them can be a period of deep loneliness.
adult anxiety
In adults with this disorder, the symptoms of anxiety are caused by the breakup of a relationship or temporary separation from a loved one.
Unreasonable anxiety can be manifested by a wide range of symptoms, both somatic and mental. Sometimes people with TRS have a fear of leaving the house or being alone. This is a fixed childish reaction of horror to the disappearance and inaccessibility of the mother. The key point is the patient’s high threshold of sensitivity to an increase in distance in the current relationship (for example, with a spouse).
Psychotherapy plays a major role in treatment. In a long-term and predictable relationship with a specialist, a person gains an experience of secure attachment, which allows him to change behavioral patterns outside the therapeutic process.
Relationship with a partner
When a loved one is nearby, the disorder may not manifest itself in any way. Problems start in separation. And in severe cases — when the situation of separation «lives» in a person’s head in the form of fears, phobias.
Of course, this can affect relationships. Such a partner looks «clinging». He constantly calls and asks where his loved ones are. It does not tolerate well if the spouse is delayed or prefers to spend time not with him, but in the company of friends, for example.
Parents with separation anxiety disorder
Quite often, people with separation anxiety disorder grew up in an overprotective situation. But with their children, these patients often exhibit the same parenting style. We often see such relationships in families where teenagers are not allowed to go anywhere. Sometimes children until late age even sleep with their mother. In general, such parents do everything possible to keep their son or daughter close to them until the late age.
Communication at work
At work, the symptoms of an anxiety disorder may not appear in any way, but if this condition is pronounced, a person is extremely sensitive to conflict situations. An insufficiently benevolent, critical statement by a boss or colleague can terrify him. This is accompanied by fantasies that now the relationship with the person who uttered the fatal words will be broken. Such thoughts, in turn, also give rise to anxious reactions.
How to Deal with People with Separation Anxiety Disorder
The main thing that can be recommended to partners and loved ones of a person with separation anxiety disorder is that if there is a desire to help him experience stress more easily, you should be more careful with your own irritation reaction.
Such a person is quite demanding of relatives. They should be close, accessible, always ready to listen. Naturally, this causes irritation both in adult partners and in the parents of such children. If your loved one has separation anxiety disorder, try to be patient.
If you need to leave, please let us know ahead of time if possible. Calmly and many times explain to your loved one that temporary separation does not change the relationship and that you still love him and will be there. You may need the support of a psychologist or psychotherapist. Do not neglect the opportunity to get help if you feel that you are not coping with the situation. And do not forget to remind your loved one that psychotherapists can help him cope with his feelings.
A specialist working with such a client must carefully comply with all agreements. Meetings must take place on a specific day, at a specific time. Confidence in the therapist’s reliability and predictability is an important part of therapy.
In 2016, the Adult Separation Anxiety Questionnaire PCT diagnostic tool was translated into Russian and adapted. And also on this topic, you can read the book «The Taming of Loneliness» by Jean-Michel Quinodo.