Contents
Under no circumstances do they compromise with the truth — even to get out of an unpleasant situation or protect someone close to them. What is hidden behind this impeccable honesty of those who never lie? And how do you learn the art of white lies?
“Recently, a classmate called me and invited me to a reunion,” says 34-year-old Alexander. “I didn’t want to go, so I told her so. I could think I’m busy, but I can’t lie, keep silent, or answer something vague. Because of this, I often find myself in an awkward position.
In some situations, when it comes to not offending or injuring another person, hiding the truth may be preferable. In addition, in a society where everyone would say what he thinks, at the moment when he thought it, it would be completely impossible to live.
Hidden aggression
«I can’t stand hypocrisy! I will not tell my friend that she has lost weight if she has not! — says 28-year-old Marina. At first glance, this position seems to imply a clear self-image: «I will not back down from the truth, even if it turns out to be unpleasant.» But in reality, it often only hides strong negative experiences. To tell the unpleasant truth is not to be frank. Sometimes it’s just a peculiar, often unconscious, way to «settle your scores.»
“At this moment, aggression, resentment or a feeling of envy speaks in a person, and not at all a desire for the truth,” explains psychotherapist Margarita Zhamkochyan. “This is often the behavior of people who have been humiliated a lot in life.”
But there is another reason: some are sure that they are better than others in something or in everything. “Their desire for truthfulness betrays the desire to be a special, perfect person,” continues Margarita Zhamkochyan. — They consider it almost their duty to point out to others what they think are shortcomings. Classic example: “I’m your best friend! Who but me will tell you the truth?”
Fear of breaking the rule
If among some “truth-lovers” we meet such cruelty of “truth at any cost”, then at the other pole — the shame of those who are not able to deceive. Voice, look, blush betray them at the slightest attempt to deceive. “I feel uncomfortable just thinking that I have to hide the truth,” says 38-year-old Sonya. “It seems to me that my lies are obvious to others, and therefore I feel guilty in advance.”
“The fear of telling a lie is due to internal conflicts and internal prohibitions,” explains Margarita Zhamkochyan. — If the parents were overly strict, demanded that the child be perfect in everything, then, as an adult, he will suffer every time he is forced to break the rules. But lying is one of those violations. He will also not be able to console himself with the fact that this is how the circumstances developed, because he will be aware of lying as his own choice.
Such people may sometimes agree to deceit for the benefit of another, but they will never allow themselves to take advantage of it.
Reluctant liars
The French social psychologist Claudine Bilan, based on the research of American scientists, came to the conclusion that each of us tells a lie at least twice a day … Women — mainly because they do not want to offend the other, but men more often use lies to manipulate .
Our attitude to lies is not as simple as we used to think. As children, we are taught that it’s wrong to lie, and at the same time we are forced to pretend that we are delighted with a strange gift from our grandmother. The ban on lies and the teaching of lies as an indispensable rule of the social game turn out to be inextricably linked.
How to be? Do not forget that in addition to repulsive or selfish lies, there is a “noble” lie, which almost serves as proof of love.
What to do?
Put yourself in the place of another
Ask yourself: does the interlocutor really want to hear the truth? If you were in his place, what would be best for you in this situation? Would you like to hear that you look really bad? Do you really think that it would be useful for a partner to know about your adventures? Before speaking, try to imagine the consequences of your words, their impact on those you care about.
Don’t strive to be perfect
Remember that you are an ordinary person, and no one requires absolute truthfulness from you. Do not overestimate the importance of truth: forbidding yourself to lie means taking an extremist position, incompatible with human relationships, which are based on respect for the other. Consider the words of Albert Camus: «I believe in justice, but first I will defend my mother, and then justice.» The point is that you should understand that maintaining relationships with loved ones is more important than striving to live up to the ideal.