They do not like to show their love, preferring restraint. They seem to be protecting themselves from someone. Why do some of us choose to be so detached? And how to reduce the forced distance?
“My friend Andrey is just fire, and I’m like ice! It’s hard for me to even talk about love, let alone show it,” says ophthalmologist Maria (40 years old). – In my family, it is not customary to be frank and touch each other. If this happens by accident, we apologize.
This seems ridiculous to Andrei, he hugs everyone when he meets. When he’s around, it’s a little easier for me to express my feelings. To start somewhere, I started writing letters to him. So I can tell him that he is very important to me and that he is a wonderful person.”
“I love my children,” says photo editor Sofya (37). “But I can’t just walk up to them, take them in my arms or hug them. I’m not used to it. And I’m angry at myself for being callous.”
In an era where tactility is praised, it’s not easy to assert your personal space.
“The norms of behavior have changed,” says family psychotherapist Inna Shifanova. “Fifty years ago, it was believed that even babies should be picked up only during feeding. Now, on the contrary, tenderness is welcomed, as well as emancipation in the manifestation of feelings. And restraint causes at least bewilderment.
But is it always necessary to openly show affection and love for another person? “Emotional exchange is the basis of mental balance,” explains psychoanalyst Dominique Devde. “Touch is what soothes us. And bodily clamps can make our desire to open up to others unfulfilled.
We reproduce habitual patterns of behavior
According to Inna Shifanova, in some families “emotions and hugs are not welcome, all feelings are restrained.”
“Unconsciously, it is much easier for us to reproduce what we saw and felt in childhood,” says Dominik Devde. Did your mother never hug you? Her severity has become a model for you, and now it is difficult for you to hug someone else.
Were your parents reserved with each other? Twenty years later, you may find that the outward manifestations of your love for your partner are almost non-existent. “Our unconscious is lazy! laughs the psychoanalyst. “We are just copying habitual patterns of behavior.”
We are ashamed of our desires
The desire for physical contact and tenderness is “an innate need that each of us has,” Inna Shifanova clarifies. At an early age, all children are spontaneous.
“The child naturally seeks contact with the mother or with someone who performs maternal functions. If this need for love is not met and accepted, the child stops expressing it. He becomes ashamed, as if it were something wrong or unworthy, and “freezes” his body.
Repeated bad experience makes you suppress spontaneous impulses. We forbid ourselves from expressing love, justifying ourselves with phrases like “I don’t know how to do it,” “When you get nothing, there’s nothing to give,” or even: “It’s not me.” But behind all these excuses is the fear of being ashamed again.
We are afraid of others
“We anticipate the reaction of others: rejection, ridicule, bewilderment,” explains Dominique Devde. “The other, this eternal stranger, is a threat to us.”
Even small children – not at all dangerous in themselves – may seem too fragile to come into contact with them. “Those who are childless often avoid other people’s children,” notes Inna Shifanova, “out of fear of showing awkwardness, which, moreover, others may notice. However, some introverted people love petting animals. They certainly won’t judge.”
But if we need to hug an adult, the past speaks again, and then our body, heart, soul repeat one thing: “Do not approach him, remember, you will burn yourself again!”
What to do?
Dare to touch
Maybe, instead of habitually going towards your desire to move away from the other, try to act differently? Choose someone close whose love for you is beyond question. Dare to hug him and see what happens next!
Such an experiment will help you become more confident in yourself and relieve anxiety about a deliberately unsuccessful outcome of events.
Dance!
The dance involves close bodily contact with another person, limited by strict rules. Regulations and regulations help to feel safe.
For many who have had communication problems, partner dancing has allowed them to rediscover the joy of intimacy with others. You just have to choose what you like best – waltz, tango, rock and roll …
Free your body
To fully feel alive, you need to get along with your body. Body-focused psychotherapy, either individually or in groups, will help you to become more aware of your body and try out new behaviors in a safe environment.
And if you think that you are not ready for this yet, you can go to relaxation sessions, meditation or yoga. The point is that you feel physically good and pleasant.
