Contents
They blush, act awkwardly, mumble, or completely lose the power of speech … The thought of showing someone their sympathy, not to mention coquetry, leads them to great confusion. Where does this constraint come from and how can it be overcome?
Why is this happening
I don’t find myself attractive. Often those who do not know how to flirt are convinced of their unattractiveness. Everyone else seems more likeable to them.
But even if we leave aside the question of how much their perception of themselves corresponds to the truth, psychologist Tatyana Voskresenskaya clarifies, “it is important to know that both appearance and other seemingly obvious advantages are far from being of paramount importance for the ability to cause other people to live interest and sexual desire.
Much more important is our inner self-awareness: “I am needed”, “I am welcome” or “I am inappropriate”, “I am in the way”. It is based on how a mother treated us at a very early age, because for a baby she is the whole world, and motherly love is perceived as the kindness of the world as a whole. This is true for both men and women: communication with the mother is our very first experience in life.
I am inattentive to others. It takes two to flirt like a pair dance. However, those of us who lacked parental approval and recognition as children (and, as a result, now lack self-confidence) are often painfully sensitive to the evaluation of others.
“Worrying too much about the impression we make on others, we may not notice the signals they send us (“keep going”, “I like this”, “I also have something to say” or “I’m bored)”, says behavioral psychotherapist Jean Cotrot.
We “dance” alone, and the one who could become our partner without meeting our attention, in response, also loses interest in us.
I’m afraid to show my sexuality. The notion that attraction precludes tenderness and respect, or that flirting is foul play with ulterior motives, makes it difficult to feel at ease when we are sexually interested.
“Many perceive everything that is connected with sex as something shameful,” explains sexologist Irina Panyukova. – The reason is always in childhood: due to their own upbringing or ignorance, parents got angry or punished the child for sexual manifestations, and in adulthood he involuntarily continues to treat this area as forbidden. Contact with her provokes guilt, and the thought that others can notice his desire causes shame.
What to do?
Don’t be afraid of failure
Are you blushing and making mistakes? That’s what a lot of people love! The fact that you are not an inveterate seducer will encourage rather than repel some potential partners. And don’t let rejection get you down. “Even Casanova had to endure it!” reminds me of Jean Cotrot.
Stay attentive to others
“Think of your interlocutor! – calls Tatyana Voskresenskaya. What does he like and dislike and why? What does he feel and think – not about you, but in general? What worries him? What is he interested in? Make assumptions, ask questions, get involved.
Instead of wasting energy trying to impress him, find something in him that impresses you. And tell him about it. Your sincere pleasure from communication will be a wonderful compliment. By shifting your attention, you will be able to better navigate the environment, and by ceasing to take care of yourself, you will become less worried.
Practice in a group
Irina Panyukova emphasizes that “our sexual personality is not something obtained from nature, it is a combination of the psyche and culture. It is necessary to let the other person know that he is pleasant to me, and to arouse in him a reciprocal interest. For this, there are codes and signs accepted in society, you can recognize them and learn how to use them.
Participation in a group, psychological or … theatrical, can help with this. Playing the role of another confident person (or different people) is a good way to increase your confidence.