Every month, a Psychologies reader gets the opportunity to have a consultation with a psychotherapist. The conversation is recorded on a dictaphone: this makes it possible to understand what is actually happening in the psychotherapist’s office. This time Rashida came to see Robert Neuburger.
Robert Neuburger: Why did you decide to come to the first session?
Rashida: Primarily out of curiosity. And then, it is very difficult for me to achieve internal stability. At all levels — professional, at the level of feelings, even with regard to my apartment. My sister, who works as a nurse in a hospital, told me one day, “You should still consult someone. This not normal!» What does she think is abnormal? I don’t know how to explain… Let’s just say that every time I find myself in a situation that is too calm, I feel fear. If everything goes well, I try to provoke a conflict. For example, in the last six years I have never worked more than six months in the same place. Something similar happens in my personal life.
R. N .: Could you tell me some details about your life?
Rashida: I am 30. I’m not married. I have a brother and sister, I am the middle child in the family. My parents divorced when I was 18 years old.
R. N .: Why?
Rashida: My father constantly cheated on my mother. He went to his homeland in Morocco with a French woman, and my mother filed for divorce.
R. N .: Is your mother also from Morocco?
Rashida: No, she’s French, from Normandy. She works as a nurse. And so it happened that some of my relatives live in Morocco, and the other part in France. Like this. At the same time, for the last two years, after the death of my father, I no longer saw my Moroccan relatives.
- «I doubt everything»
R. N .: Why?
Rashida: It has always been difficult for them. My father was married at a very young age to the daughter of neighbors. He did not want this marriage, and on the wedding night, without touching his wife, he left for France. He severed all relations with his family and resumed them only after twenty years. We came to visit them. My sister was then 17, and some Moroccan relatives wanted to leave her in Morocco and marry her there. My father opposed this. But after his death, talk about it continued, which scared me a little. I don’t know who to trust there. So I chose to cut all ties with them completely.
R. N .: Sounds like your father was an unusual person. He was capable of making radical decisions. Is your mother also an unusual woman?
Rashida: No, it’s much more down to earth.
R. N .: Do you have grandparents?
Rashida: No, they are all already dead. But with them, everything was also difficult, since my maternal grandfather was a great lover of the female. And today a woman appeared who declared herself his daughter and claims the inheritance. There will be a DNA test and so on.
R. N .: Your family history is very unusual!
Rashida: Yes it is. Sometimes I tell myself that maybe because of all this I can’t calm down …
R. N .: You can look at things from different angles. It can be said that because of these stories you cannot calm down, or that you are repeating the behavior of your ancestors …
Rashida: Yes. But I really want stability. I want to have children, I want … a quiet life. I’m sick and tired of everything that happens to me all the time. Maybe I’m just meeting the wrong guys all the time…
R. N .: This is an important question. Do you think «bad luck» can explain why you didn’t meet a good person? Or maybe you yourself are to some extent responsible for this?
Rashida: I think I’m doing . For years, I dated mostly womanizers. With men like my father and grandfather! Every time someone lied to me. And I convinced myself that it was all about me. One of my boyfriend, with whom we were together for six months, told me that he felt my tension, my panic state. He was sure that I was deceiving him, since I never looked at peace. In the end, I left him, he was too jealous.
R. N .: You think that most of the men with whom you communicated do not inspire confidence in you. In fact, you fail to establish a trusting relationship with them.
Rashida: Yes Yes. I always end our relationship. I don’t know why this happens, but at a certain point I panic and break everything. Every time after a breakup, I feel liberated, but after that there is a feeling of incredible loneliness.
R. N .: I was struck by the fact that your father went to Morocco without hesitation, leaving you behind. Which of your parents are you like?
Rashida: On the father. According to his Moroccan wife, I was his favorite. For a long time I had a very tense relationship with him. We looked alike. After he left, I visited him every year. He meant a lot to me.
R. N .: I see in your story traces of the trauma that you experienced due to the unexpected departure of your father. In a sense, in your relationships with men, you are always afraid of being rejected again.
Rashida: Absolutely.
R. N .: I would like to understand if you are protecting men or yourself. It seems to me that the source of what is happening is primarily in yourself. As soon as you have a strong enough attachment, you begin to feel insecure.
Rashida: Yes, I understand that.
R. N .: The stronger the attachment, the greater the fear of losing it. Is this the case?
Rashida: Yes, as soon as I fall in love, I get scared. I can’t control my fear. All my buddies could never understand why I left them. For them, it remains unclear, since the breakup always occurs at the moment when everything is going well …
R. N .: Are you leaving because everything is going well?
Rashida: May be so. It would be easier for me to communicate with someone who lives abroad. In that case, attachment would not be so important. But the same thing happens with my work. Deep down, I feel calmer in a temporary job rather than a full-time job.
R. N .: It seems to me that you need to first of all realize the difference between relationships with relatives and with partners. Trust means a lot to family life. A daughter must trust her father — this is important. It is on this foundation of your family life that the blow has been dealt. Even if you say: “His relatives are to blame or something else,” you still know that your father betrayed your trust. It seems to me that the problem lies in the fact that at some point you have different things mixed up. In your relationship with your partner, you see a parallel with what happened to your father. Meanwhile, the basic values in both cases are completely different. Relationships between partners are based on seduction. You feel like being together. Trust is not the most important thing here. We can say that trust between partners arises as a result of their relationship …
Rashida: Yes, I understand…
R. N .: I think that’s what’s causing you to panic. You enjoy your relationship with your partner, and then the thought occurs to you: “But I can’t trust him.”
Rashida: The problem is, when I really start to trust…
R. N .: Yes, but in relations between partners this is not the main thing! I repeat once again, in family life, in relationships between children and parents, trust is a fundamental value. If there is no trust here, the child’s life will go wrong. The relationship between a man and a woman has a completely different meaning.
Rashida: I really start to feel trust very quickly. I have a friend who said to me: «Every time you talk about some new man, it seems that you have known him for ten years.»
R. N .: That’s it. You strive to ensure that relations with a man acquire a «family» character. This means that you will transform the relationship between a man and a woman into a relationship between family members.
Rashida: Maybe you’re right. I trust too easily, I expect too much from a person…
R. N .: I think it’s important to expect a lot from a person. But not necessarily trust. In a relationship with your partner, you will never achieve the level of trust that you could give you, which your father should have given you.
Rashida: In fact, I’m trying to get what I was deprived of.
R. N .: Right.
Rashida: Is it impossible to find?
R. N .: Frankly, I’m afraid it’s hard to find. At least in your case. But you can have it with your children. Or with your friends.
Rashida: Yes, I understand.
R. N .: Very well. Well, you’ll have to think about it some more.
- «I’m scared to talk to men»