“I broke the pigsty again!”: what to do with the mess in the child’s room?

“I have been fighting with my daughter for a year now,” complains Ekaterina, mother of 12-year-old Anya. “Well, how to explain to a teenager that it is necessary at least sometimes to arrange a sanitary day?”

From childhood, we were taught that cleaning is something mandatory. “Those who grew up in the Soviet and post-Soviet times remember that discussing the rules adopted by someone from the seniors was not particularly welcome,” says child psychologist Ksenia Krylasova. “Modern children feel freer and more often ask the question: “Why is this necessary?” They need answers.

It is much easier to give an order and demand execution, but such a scheme is inefficient. The result is predictable – complete rejection, a desire to do the opposite and, as a result, estrangement from parents. Therefore, first of all, try to explain to yourself: why do you need order in your room, in the child’s room, in the whole house?

Why doesn’t he clean up?

You should not be categorical in your statements: “he does not appreciate what he has”, “he’s just too lazy to clean up.” Instead, it’s better to analyze what the disorder in the child’s room may be related to.

Poor organization of space

For example, the place for storing things is poorly organized: there are too many boxes, and the child always forgets what is where. Therefore, it is easier for him to keep everything within sight, which is why a dump is formed. It also happens that the child just does not have enough shelves, drawers or cabinets. Or the shelf is hanging too high, making it easier for him to stack things on the table.

Another common story is that the child is left-handed, but the parents did not take this into account when arranging the room. And his desktop is not organized in the way that would be more convenient with the leading left hand. Then the child is forced to create his own order of handling objects, violating the one that you imagined.

Emotional Context

It can be in the emotions and feelings of the child himself. For example, he does not like his room, and everything in it bores him. He tries not to notice this and, accordingly, ignores the mess too. Or the child is not able to part with the toys with which he grew up, cannot stop collecting them – so they accumulate in huge quantities, forming real blockages.

In this case, he needs your help, and sometimes the help of a psychologist. Try to deal with the mess together and teach your child to sort things into necessary and unnecessary.

In protest

This is especially true in adolescence, when any attempt to deal with the mess in the child’s room is perceived as an encroachment on his personal space. Imagine that someone is hosting your kitchen, demanding that everything be arranged in a way that is convenient for him? Do you feel how everything boils inside? Because this is your territory! And the child’s room is his territory. And he has the right to decide for himself where and how his things are stored.

If the room is not only his

“My son has a working and sleeping place in the living room,” says Anna, mother of thirteen-year-old Matvey. – I do not insist on a permanent order, but when guests come, I ask him to bring the bed and table into a divine form. Usually I run into an excuse: “Oh, Mom, not now.” I clean myself, and everything ends in a scandal.

Of course, when it comes to a common territory, it is necessary to negotiate, but directives will not help here. Try to explain to your child why it is important for you that he cleans up. How do you feel if he doesn’t do it the way you would like it to be. And negotiate a compromise.

Persuade or force?

Coercion always has a negative connotation. It is very insulting and painful when the closest person in a child’s life forces him to do something against his will. And it doesn’t matter at what age it happens.

Harmful advice on the development of neurosis in a child:

• If you want to completely ruin your relationship with your child, make him clean his room more often;
• If you want him to have low self-esteem, call him “piggy” and “dirty” for every thing that is out of place;
• If you want to develop weak-willedness in your child, stand over his soul from the very beginning of cleaning to the very end, without moving a single step and not taking your eyes off him.

And yet it is worth designating one good rule. The child’s room should not look like a garbage dump – no bits, pieces of dried pizza and plates of half-eaten food. Too lazy to go every day to the garbage can – let him have his own trash in the room. Just agree that once every few days he emptied it.

To each his own

We are all wired differently. This applies to the nature and organization of the leading hemisphere, and the sensitivity of the nervous system. How to understand by your child – does chaos help him or does he really need order, but he is lazy? Observe him and pay attention to how he is affected by differently arranged space. Temperament really affects the creation of a suitable environment for life and creativity.

“Recently I watched a movie where the main character was a talented dressmaker. In the workshop, she was surrounded by various things that inspired her, – says child psychologist Ksenia Krylasova. – Relatives considered it chaos.

– Somehow they decided to give her a gift and did a general cleaning in the workshop, arranging everything at their discretion. The unfortunate tailor was in shock. The phrase “I have been creating all this for years” explains how much the organization of the space of the former workshop, and in the understanding of others – a mess, mattered to her.

And my daughter’s classmate is a fan of physics, and he likes order in everything – at his desk, on shelves, in cabinets. He has many different boxes, organizers. All items are classified and structured at different levels: soldering irons, cords, books, clothes, recreation area, educational work and scientific creativity.

The Swiss psychologist Jean Piaget spoke of disorder as follows: “There is no such thing as disorder, but rather there are two kinds of order – geometric and ordinary. In my case, it’s definitely mundane and conveniently organized for me.”¹.

¹ “Psychological Journal”, 2000, volume 21, no. 2, p. 138-144.