Contents
They exalt their talents and achievements, sometimes at the expense of truthfulness. They do not understand how they can be silent about their merits, remain in the shadows – such people strive to constantly be in the spotlight. Why is this so important to them?
“If you don’t praise yourself, no one will praise you,” recalls the saying, 34-year-old Lyudmila. “I just talk about my successes and I’m not ashamed of it.” Ever since our society has been following the path of a market economy, we have increasingly judged each other by outward signs of success. “There is a temptation to flaunt your achievements in order to be in demand and competitive,” notes existential psychotherapist Svetlana Krivtsova. “But there are those among us for whom boasting is the only way to not only get recognition, but to feel alive.” When such people have nothing to present in order to arouse admiration among others, they seem to cease to exist.
“I need love”. “If I show myself as I am, it is unlikely that anyone will be interested,” continues Lyudmila. Her confession betrays a secret: behind a defiant position, she hides deep sadness, because Lyudmila considers herself unworthy of love. Svetlana Krivtsova recalls that self-distrust arises in childhood: “For a child, parents are always right, and if they do not pay attention to him, it seems to him that he simply does not deserve him. If adults neglect his needs, then his needs are not important. Without feeling the respect of his parents, he cannot respect himself.” The humiliation that a child sometimes experiences in communication with peers (for example, he is teased in kindergarten or at school, and the elders do not stand up for him), increases his self-doubt. And he begins to brag or lie in order to arouse the interest of children and be accepted into their circle. The braggart is looking for love or recognition, which he so lacks. But at the same time, he lives with a constant fear of being rejected again.
My experience
Inna, 29 years old, realtor
“I grew up with two younger brothers, and I really missed the attention of my parents. How I wanted them to see: I am better than my brothers! The sweetest, the most polite, the smartest. But the more I tried, the less I managed to be natural. Until the day when I left home to work in St. Petersburg. Far away, out of competition with my brothers, I could finally be myself. Yes, it was in dealing with strangers that I learned to behave naturally.
What to do?
Lean on friends
Sometimes it’s hard for us to tell where boasting starts. And here you can turn to your friends for help. If we are patient and ask them about how we look from the outside and at what moments we find ourselves “on stage”, we can assess our behavior more objectively.
Determine the masked Vulnerability
What is the trauma behind the bluster—lack of recognition, lack of love? When did it all start? What efforts do you make to hide your weaknesses? What threatens their recognition? These are difficult and difficult questions, but thinking about them is the only way to come to terms with yourself.
Think about life values
What moments of your life do you remember with particular pleasure? Who, what person causes you respect? What qualities do you value in others? And in yourself? Whose approval would you like to earn, why is the opinion of this particular person important to you? By answering these questions, you will be able to understand what is really important to you, determine your internal guidelines and new behaviors.
“I don’t know my true worth”. It may seem strange, but another reason for the indomitable thirst for recognition is excessive parental love. “This is not the unconditional love that each of us needs in childhood,” Svetlana Krivtsova clarifies, “but reckless adoration (often maternal), when everything a child does delights parents. Children learn to evaluate their actions gradually. First, they learn from adults what they approve and what they don’t, and later why. If the opinion of the parents does not depend on the actions of the child, but on their mood, he does not understand what is good and what is bad, he loses his bearings. Surrounded by excessive attention from loved ones, he does not know his true value, he does not know how to analyze his strengths and weaknesses. It is difficult for him to admit his shortcomings: after all, this destroys his picture of the world, where he is in the radiant center. Therefore, as an adult, he is likely to defend himself against the realization of his imperfections, convincing himself that he is the best in everything.
“I protect myself”. The braggart is like an actor on stage. In the circle of light, he juggles his virtues, diverting attention from his shortcomings. By taking this position, he keeps others at a distance. “He needs recognition, but close relationships scare him, and he avoids them,” explains Svetlana Krivtsova. “Because at close range, our weaknesses cannot be hidden.” Therefore, he would rather agree to arouse jealousy, envy and hostility – these black counterparts of admiration, than open himself to others. A negative assessment for him is too big a risk: he does not have internal resources (self-respect, self-love) that he could rely on to endure it.
About it
The Concept of Consciousness by Gilbert Ryle
An eminent English philosopher and linguist in the fourth chapter of his book discusses the extent to which we are able to understand the motives of certain behavior. “I want to show how intrinsically implausible is the view that whenever a conceited person boasts, he experiences a special thrill or an attack of vanity. Speaking purely dogmatically, a vain person never feels his own vanity” (Idea-Press, House of Intellectual Books, 2000).