My position on disputes is quite categorical: I am sure that there is no need to argue with anyone and never. There is a very reasonable rule of territories, which was proposed by N.I. Kozlov: if the issue is on my territory, there is nothing to argue about, I decide. If the question is on the territory of my interlocutor and does not concern me, this is not my question, only my interlocutor should decide this issue — in this case, disputes are also inappropriate. If the issue is on our common territory, concerns both of us, then negotiations are obligatory, a normal peaceful discussion, but negotiations and discussion are not a dispute. If the question on neutral territory does not concern either me or you (such as “is there life on Mars?”), Then why argue about it? If the topic is not important to anyone, then it is better to spend time on something more useful than talking about unimportant things. Of course, if you want to have fun with an argument, then you can argue, it’s just that my entertainment is different. Besides, I am well aware that disputes often give rise not to truth, but to conflicts.
I will give an example:
There was a dispute between two spouses, who washes the dishes today: husband or wife. As a result of battles lasting about half an hour, by the way, potentially useful time, the wife gives up, being crushed by arguments, sometimes by assaults and insults, or simply tired of the argument, and goes to wash the dishes. She has a feeling of loss and resentment inside. Do you think the husband won and is satisfied? Of course, the euphoria from his imaginary victory will last for 10 minutes, what a fine fellow he is, that he won the dispute, and what will come next? He will feel an internal pang of guilt for the fact that his wife is ill and what he said, and if you look into the future, then this conflict will not strengthen their relationship in any way, therefore, a short-term victory, but a long-term loss. Both lost.
If you don’t agree with me, I won’t argue with you. And if you agree, then the main question remains: how not to get into disputes? How to warn them? Or, if we notice that the dispute has already caught fire, how to translate it into a normal civilized discussion? I am ready to share my experience on these issues. My recommendations on how to reduce the number of arguments in your life:
1) Make sure you be in a state calm presence, then you will be excluded disputes on emotional grounds. When you are in this state, do not forget that you should have a benevolent smile on your face. During times of emotional stress, people interpret calm faces as negative, so a smile will be appropriate.
2) Pause before answering the other person and do not interrupt. Pause for about 4 seconds if you feel emotionally turned on or think he is wrong. Here the interlocutor will also speak out, since quite often, seeing such a pause, he continues the monologue, slowly cooling down. Yes, and you do not give vent to emotions, as you are focused on maintaining a pause.
3) Listen and hear the other person. Yes, yes, most disputes are due to the fact that people simply hear only themselves. Hear the opinion of the interlocutor, perhaps you are arguing about the same hand, only he defends it from the side of the palm, and you from the back. The exercises “Repeat Verbatim” and “Internal Translator” will help you with this. Also, do not be afraid to ask the person again if something was missed or not heard, it is better to ask again 5 times than to miss an important point and bet for half an hour. Additionally, a good technique is to ask “What do you think?” after each of your phrases, the conversation immediately becomes warmer and clearer.
4) Flag other people’s disputes and think about how you would rearrange their conversation to avoid an argument. This will help in further work on yourself. Therefore, after working on other people’s disputes, start monitoring your own: count the number of disputes per day, draw conclusions for each dispute, and restructure the conversation on paper or in your head.
5) Find people who will make sure you don’t argue. For example, offer them that if they notice a dispute with your participation, then they receive 50 USD for each find.
6) In any conversation, look for something that you can sincerely agree with. The exercise “Total YES” will help you with this. An example of a potentially controversial conversation and an answer option:
— You know, I think most women cook badly, I bet you’re one of them?
— I’m really bad at cooking Peking duck, however, my borscht turns out just great.
7) Sometimes applicable in the family method of resolving disputes through the responsible, for example, the wife is responsible for the order in the house, if there are disagreements about this zone, then first an attempt is made to find a consensus, if it drags on, then the wife makes a decision. Similarly, if the husband is responsible for the finance area, and the wife wants, for example, to buy a fur coat, and the husband says that the budget will go down this month in case of purchase. Either they come to a consensus, for example, we’ll buy it next month or let’s do it now, but we’ll give a down jacket or an old fur coat for repair, or if none of the options fit the wife or the communication dragged on, then the husband’s word is decisive.
8) Finding a dispute, transfer a decision on it, for example, in the evening. And before this evening, you need to think about each other’s positions in a calm state, and prepare 2 compromise solutions for each of the interlocutors. By the way, most of the disputes postponed for the evening are not remembered by people, which means they were not so important.
9) If the topic of conversation is not important for you, just agree, and if reasonably principled, then do cultural negotiation using tips 1-8. Remember, relationships are more important. But what if everything is always important? Then additional work with beliefs is needed. And every time in a dispute, you need to take a break, for example, until the evening, by which, in addition to finding compromise solutions, you also need to comprehend why this particular decision is important for you and, if it were unprincipled, what would change in your life.
Use these tips, whether you use just one or all at once, the result will be in any case, so feel free to implement right away. I propose to start by observing the disputes of other people. and counting the number of their disputes per day, and only then move on to other points.
Right now, remember what were the bright debates this week and how you could behave with the knowledge from this article. You will succeed!