Massive propaganda of «I-statements» as a means of preventing conflicts seems to have led to the opposite results: the more the fascination with «I-statements» spread, the more misunderstandings and conflicts became. Noticing this, psychologists over and over again made more and more clarifications on how to use “I-statements” correctly and how not, but the following circumstance gradually became clear: the more the “I-statement” was refined, the less it resembled itself, turning into something else… A choice arose: either we hold on to the «I-statement», or we want to find soft forms of interaction that effectively prevent conflict.
In our opinion, in this situation it is worth introducing the concept of “I-message” and talking about it as an effective method of conflict prevention. What is the difference between these concepts? “I-statement” is external, these are sounding words, and “I-message” is what sounds behind these words. In the “I-message” a person speaks about himself, but is turned to a partner, he makes the center not himself, but the partner. I-message is a form of soft request, the rationale for which is a person’s description of his condition. For example: “Your opinion is important to me, but now it’s difficult for me to talk to you: the TV is working and distracting us. Do you mind if I turn it off for now?
When you simply and calmly tell a person, especially a close one, what is in your soul, this is usually not indifferent to him. The main thing is that your message should be directed to him, and not against him: then he will hear you. See I-messages: examples and I-messages to a child
Any request that is justified by at least something, even if it is something meaningless and formal, already sounds more convincing. Moreover, if a person describes his feelings as justifications in connection with what circumstances, the request really sounds more weighty and motivating. On the other hand, in the format of an I-message, a person speaks only about himself, about his feelings, and this reduces the risk of reproaches, accusations and other conflictogens, often sounding in the format of “you-statements”.
I-message is a good format for communication between close people, which largely prevents conflicts and the emergence of mutual insults. This format is close to women, because women understand the language of feelings well, in addition, they like to talk about feelings in general and about their feelings in particular. It is also important that in the process of learning this format, people are taught to speak about their emotions correctly, taking responsibility for their emotions. The “I-message” format in many cases successfully replaces competent criticism.
If you want to learn how to use «I-messages», consider the following rules.
- I-message loves synthons, start your appeal with warm feelings. After all, the fact that you were hurt does not cancel them at all? «Sunny, I love you, but now I feel uncomfortable.»
- I-message does not contain conflictogens. Remove any reproaches and accusations. Not «you hurt me», but «I was offended to hear such words.» Moreover, exclude all amplifications «forever», «always», «never». I-message is best done with warm feelings and soul.
- Formulate your “I-messages” carefully, on your own behalf, without pretending to be objective. It is important to be able to distinguish between «I feel bad» and «you are bad.» Speaking about your feelings, tastes and opinions, speak about this, about your subjectivity, and not about something objectively inherent in people and things. Not “your hair is terrible”, but “I don’t like such hairstyles”. This is your attitude, so keep the conversation on your own and about yourself.
- Don’t abuse negativity. A little bit of negativity when describing your state and feelings in I-messages is allowed. Too much negativity in describing your feelings is perceived by your partner as pressure on him and as manipulation. «Finally you’re back! I was terribly worried about you, I couldn’t sleep… I was so afraid if something happened to you!” This is pressure and manipulation.
- Give instructions, state as clearly as possible what you want from a partner. It is important! The partner does not always understand what you need, what you want from him. If you want him to warm you or hug you — tell me. If you need him to praise or pity you, this is completely different, he needs a different text from you and other actions. Help your partner do what you need.
“I-message” is a competent and intelligent form of address, but do not overestimate its capabilities. As a way to prevent conflicts, I-messages work only for close people with whom you have a good, trusting relationship. If you try to talk about your negative feelings in a conflict situation, this will most likely provoke a conflict, and in a conversation with complete strangers to you, this will most likely simply not be effective. In addition, for many men, women’s conversations about feelings seem superfluous. Just ask how it is more understandable, easier and more convenient for a person: to hear a simple clear request or “I-message”, and you will understand how to act better.