“I am not your property”: is it possible to get rid of codependency

What is an unhealthy relationship? This is a lack of trust, the inability to make common plans, causeless conflicts, silence instead of talking. Relationships in which one partner is overly invested and the other is not invested at all.

These relationships do not fill, but destroy. In them, we experience anxiety for the future: for example, a woman may be afraid to give birth, because she does not feel that she can lean on her partner. They always involve emotional or physical abuse.

Why We Stay in Unhealthy Relationships

I have been dealing with the topic of addictions and co-dependent relationships for seven years, I worked for three and a half years in a rehabilitation clinic for families of dependent people. This experience made me realize how much in common people who live in co-dependent relationships.

• The main thing that unites co-dependent people is a lack of understanding of what is happening to them. How to come to the idea that you can not allow yourself to be offended? How to stop being manipulated? How to understand that you are not someone’s property and not a victim?
• In addition, codependents are united by a sense of fear. They hold on to jobs they don’t like, relationships they don’t like, or friends who constantly put them down. They would like to correct the situation, but do not know how to do it. “I won’t be able to,” “I’ll be abandoned,” “I won’t be needed by anyone,” “I won’t be accepted for who I am,” these and other fears control people on their way to recovery.

What thought are we missing at this moment? That in the new state we will be indifferent to those on whom we are now dependent. Others will appear – those who will love and appreciate us.

3 release scenarios

The biggest fear of a person who discovers their codependent behavior is the fear of asserting their boundaries. Say no for the first time, take care of yourself first and then someone else. Because we are afraid of being rejected by the people we love. To be rejected and abandoned.

Once you decide to stop codependent behavior, you can choose one of three paths:

1. You change and so do your loved ones.

   For example, you realize that you yourself did something wrong: you pressed, you were a capricious, obsessive person. And rethink your behavior. Relatives become interested, and often they, having “engaged” in the process, also begin to take care of themselves. You change but accept that the other person can stay the same
2. You are engaged in self-development, work with your mental health and do not expect that your loved one will do the same

   Although you have much in common, you differ on some issues. And you accept it, just agree on new rules and boundaries. For example, if a man earns less than you, you stop focusing on it. You notice how he takes care of you when you are sick, that he sits with your children, that you are safe with him. In other words, you pay more attention to his pluses and put up with what he cannot give you.
3. You change and understand that you are not on your way with another person

   Actually, you realize that you have been on the wrong path for a long time – since pain, resentment and disagreement began to live with you. It’s just that before there was no strength to solve these issues, or there was no understanding that they can and should be solved. And now you feel like you have to get out of an unhealthy relationship. After all, if this is not done now, life will be lost.

Are there healthy relationships?

Everyone has their own formula for healthy relationships, but the main thing in them is the ability to negotiate. And as a result, the two are satisfied with their partnership: for example, a man raises children, and a woman works. Even if others say that it is wrong, for them it is a healthy relationship.

Now women most often ask the question: “I earn money, but he doesn’t. Do you need to leave?” It is important to understand who is saying this – she or someone else. You need to be able to hear yourself and share your feelings with a partner. Set expectations, set boundaries. This is what healthy relationships are. And not a willingness to adapt to other people’s ideas.

The path to a healthy relationship is already a way of life. Only by feeling your integrity, self-worth, inner support, you can build healthy relationships: with loved ones and relatives, with friends, with colleagues, with a partner.