I am married and happy. Am I the only one?

I was not at all attracted to the idea of ​​getting married. After thirty years of watching my parents suffer together, I was not going to repeat this stupidity. When my father left my mother for a younger woman, I decided to do my own little research on married life.

I turned to married couples, friends of my parents, asking them to be honest about their marriage and explain why they are still together. I suppose that the little girl in me, who grew up on fairy tales with their indispensable «they lived happily ever after», wanted to prove to my adult and cynical «I» that it was wrong.

She didn’t succeed. As it turned out, the most “happy” spouses from among parental friends stayed together, they said, because they “would lose too much” if they broke up. I asked about their relationship, hoping to hear about love, a reliable shoulder, a kindred soul. Instead, people talked about costs and benefits. Is this the «perfect» marriage?

Yes, it is as romantic and attractive as, for example, counting the numbers in an Excel spreadsheet every day until death. So when I decided to do IVF and my friend Steven asked if I was going to get married, I burst out laughing. I found it so funny that I even called my boyfriend Chris, the potential father of my child, to laugh together. Chris didn’t laugh. There was a pause at the other end of the line.

I said, «You don’t want… you don’t want… really… listen… do you want us to get married?»

“Yes, I do,” he said.

— But why? I asked.

“Because I love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you,” he replied.

Oh! Six months later, we got married in the same church in which Chris’s parents got married 40 years ago. I still don’t fully understand why I did it. And on the day of the wedding, when we returned home, I was so stunned that I now have a husband that I was tempted to run to my beloved friend and ask to spend the night on her couch.

«Forever and ever». It didn’t fit in my head…

Eight years later, I still stumble over the word «husband.» I remember that I had to arrange with my daughter Violet’s teacher to let her go to the doctor’s class early — I could not squeeze out this word then. She began to stutter: «My mm … mm … mm … will take her», feeling like a complete idiot, and found a way out by saying: «Violet’s father.» “Oh, I understand,” the teacher nodded, clearly taking my embarrassment as evidence that my husband and I had recently separated.

So Chris and I now have a stupid task to demonstrate in every possible way that we are a couple, and thus refute the teacher’s suspicions. Before the next parent-teacher meeting, I warned Chris that we should act like married people there. He laughed, “What are you talking about? We’re actually married!»

Yes, go ahead. And to my own surprise, I’m very happy with it. As it turns out, I love being married. I love the sense of security I’ve never felt before, love that Chris is always there for me, just as I am for him.

I like the life that we built together: we are not the sum of two halves, we are much more.

I say this, I myself still fear that everything will crumble to dust. In fact, I have very rarely met partners who have gone through different life tests and still enjoy communicating with each other. It’s even harder than loving. Even when a couple looks happy outwardly, I don’t fully trust this impression.

As a study published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin shows, photos of their lovers and declarations of love on Facebook (an extremist organization banned in Russia) are more often published by those users who are not completely sure of their relationship. Demonstrating their happiness to others, they try to convince not only others, but also themselves that they are loved.

Chris and I have been through many trials, including infertility, mental illness, grief, trauma, having two children, career zigzags, and we still have a good time together. I think we succeeded because we were partners in every sense of the word.

Chris never forced me to play the part of a housewife, a nurse, a sex toy or a servant. After the release of my first book, everyone asked me how Chris manages to survive the success of his wife. But my «minute of fame» did not hurt his ego at all. He was not just proud of my success — he was part of it. It was our common success.

But the question itself says a lot about how people imagined the balance of power in marriage, and helps to understand why many couples lose this joy of being around over time.

I am not behind my husband and not ahead of my husband, I am a woman who is next to her man. Every evening I look forward to his return home. But I know women who are not at all drawn to spending time with their husbands; they would prefer that their husbands go somewhere more often: it is easier to live without them.

Two of my friends admitted that they were going to leave their husbands. And there is reason to believe that several of my friends are considering this option. And they are no exception.

A British study of 2000 married parents showed that 18% of them are going to leave their partner after a certain period of time. One in 20 respondents said what they plan to do in 10 years or more. Among those who have already divorced, 8 out of 10 regretted that they put off this step for a long time. Why do unhappy couples stay together, forcing themselves to endure 10 years before «closing shop»?

A romantic might suggest that the couple is probably continuing to work on the relationship, hoping to regain their former love. However, research shows that things are not so optimistic. In fact, the reasons are much more mundane.

One wonders how far we have come from the days when marriage was largely viewed as a financial transaction. So now, 5 of the 10 most typical answers came down to purely financial considerations.

There was also a phrase that I once heard from friends of my parents: “I will lose too much in the event of a divorce.” Other options: “I can’t afford another place to live,” “I can’t live without my spouse’s money,” “We have a lot of bank accounts in common.”

The second most important reason for disgruntled spouses to continue to keep watch is the desire to protect the child from injury. One in four couples stay together solely «for the sake of the children.» Such parents diligently disguise their dissatisfaction with marriage and hide the hope that sooner or later they will be freed from these fetters. If they quarrel, then away from children’s ears; sleeping together in a marital bed, portraying a good couple; kissing and hugging in front of everyone.

As a child of divorced parents, I am not ready to answer unequivocally whether it is good to keep a marriage for the sake of children. I don’t know how I would have taken my parents’ divorce if it had happened when I was little.

All I can say with certainty is that their attempts to maintain appearances have given me a completely distorted idea of ​​​​marriage: it is beautiful, harmonious relationships in public and cold, passive-aggressive relationships at home.

I remember my first two serious novels mainly for scandals and eternal irritation. It didn’t occur to me that the problem was primarily my misconceptions about relationships. Now I get scared at the thought that I could marry one of these partners.

Fortunately, the third boyfriend convinced me that there are other relationships: both in private and in front of everyone, he showed me kindness and respect. Least of all I expected this.

But from the outside, my parents also seemed like a happy couple. Watching them tenderly hold hands, people around me said that I was terribly lucky to have parents who love each other so much.

Their divorce, which happened when I was in my 20s, was a real shock. I was simply crushed by my father’s words that 30 years of his life were wasted. My whole childhood turned out to be a farce; besides, I still had to bear the responsibility for the fact that my parents were unhappy. If I had a choice, I would not for anything in the world agree to them suffering for 30 years for me. But, although no one asked my opinion, I often feel how painfully my father’s words hurt me.

If my friends decide to stay together for the sake of the children, I will not persuade them to think again. But I myself think that you should not sacrifice your happiness for the sake of someone else. Ultimately, nothing good comes of it.

A chapter from Casey Edwards’ new book Guilt Trip: My Quest to Leave the Baggage Behind. Source: The Guardian.