I am guilty before the children that I chose such a father for them.

We were married for ten years, and it seemed to me that we had a close relationship of people who understood and supported each other. That was until one day my husband told me that our marriage was making him unhappy and he wanted a divorce. These words literally paralyzed me.

He was a wonderful husband and father, adored his daughters and was completely involved in their lives: he changed their diapers and got up to them at night along with me, he never missed a single performance either at school or in the gymnastics section.

I thought for a long time that my children and I are the happiest people on earth. But then a divorce happened, and the ex-husband simply disappeared, ceasing to communicate not only with me, but also with the girls. He did not speak to the eldest for 11 years. The daughter tried to keep in touch: she wrote him postcards, invited him to all her birthdays, but he ignored these steps towards. I can’t even imagine what my girl felt: she convinced me that dad was not feeling well right now and he needed our attention.

The ex-husband was more supportive of the youngest daughter: he met her four years after the divorce. After eight years of silence, he appeared at the door of her college and offered to go to a cafe. She agreed and, over a cup of coffee, could not help but ask her father why he did not appear. To which he replied irritably that he did not want to spoil this meeting with unpleasant conversations. As a result, the daughter did not receive any explanation.

Because of him, my children for many years felt guilty that their father had disappeared, and I could not help them. I still don’t understand what made him do that. Sometimes it seems to me that if I understood his motives, it would be easier for me. I can’t help feeling ashamed that I married this man and chose such a father for my children. I can easily forgive him, because he has long lost all meaning to me. I just can’t forgive myself.

“It’s hard for children from the long history of mother’s torment”

Natalia Artsybasheva, gestalt therapist

When parents get divorced, it is extremely important to dot the i’s in an adequate time frame – for example, within a year. The heroine has not been in a relationship with her husband for a long time, but she was never able to separate and live her own life. She seems to be afraid to move forward and drives tormenting thoughts and experiences in a circle, bringing them to the point of absurdity.

Often this happens when we do not allow ourselves to be angry and resentful, to express and live our negative feelings. Experienced anger in time helps to separate from the former partner, stop being offended, stop waiting for a solution from him or facilitating the situation.

Is it possible to predict, when getting married, what a partner will become in ten years? Hardly. We are not in a position to be responsible for the actions of other people. But our heroine seems to take on a responsibility that is not her own, and then she is tormented that she did not cope and did not justify her hopes. By making unrealistic demands on ourselves, we are setting ourselves up for failure.

How does this affect children? They definitely do not benefit from the long history of their mother’s torment. Of course, it is very difficult when the father disappears and does not want to communicate, but in this case it is important that the mother takes responsibility and makes a firm decision. If you do not want children to live for many years with the feeling that they have been betrayed, you must first of all put an end to it yourself. You may have to accept that you’ll never know your ex’s motives, but it’s definitely not worth living around waiting for an explanation.

Children tend to take the blame for their parents’ divorce, feel abandoned, and doubt their worth. Do not hush up what happened or scold their father. Perhaps the best option is to honestly admit that you do not understand his act, you regret it, but you have decided to live on in love and happiness.

It is important to focus the attention of children on how important they are to relatives, friends and relatives, how much love and support they receive.