Is it possible to rejoice only in the fact that we exist, regardless of what we have achieved (or not) in life? What about evaluating your actions and results without passing a harsh sentence on yourself? It is possible, if you do not confuse two similar concepts: your own attitude towards yourself and self-esteem.
“The most important event is to be born into the world. Actually be here. This is the beginning of everything. Let’s stop for a minute. How much is connected with this, what a miracle it is! I am! Under any life circumstances – I am! This is the ontological basis of our life, the beginning of all truth in life. It has to be known, we have to feel it. This is the basis of being – the experience that I was born into a world that comes towards me, which opposes me and opens its space to me … ”Alfried Lenglet
I am! This is a simple statement of fact. But imagine that you are shouting these words into the coming storm – with the feeling that no storm will move you from the place where you stand firmly. “I am, and I have the right to be!”
It has nothing to do with our status, successes and achievements. Whether we are beautiful or ugly, healthy or sick, poor or rich. Because no failures can take away from us the amazing sensations from the warm summer wind rustling the leaves. From the sound of the surf and salt spray on the skin. From the touch of the woman you love. From early morning to the day when there is no need to rush anywhere and ahead – the anticipation of a good rest.
From all those feelings and sensations that fill us, our whole being. “I am!” A sharp feeling of joy penetrating the whole body from the fact of one’s being in this world. This is self-relationship: the feeling that you are rightfully in this world, or the absence of such a feeling. You are – or you are not, you accidentally ended up in this world and must make way for others. “I am!” is the basis of self-relationship. Positive: “I am, and this is happiness!” Negative: “I am, unfortunately.”
Self-relationship and self-esteem
Self-esteem is often confused with self-esteem. The confusion begins from the moment when the bold and decisive “I am, and I have the right to be!” is replaced by “I must earn the right to be.” And until you deserve it, you have no right to enjoy simple things … So self-attitude is replaced by self-esteem. In a global, absolute sense, self-esteem is evaluating yourself for whether you are good or bad. In particular cases, whether you are good or bad in a particular case, whether you have succeeded or not, what qualities you have and which you don’t.
Self-esteem is not something negative, like any assessment from the outside. It allows you to correlate your activities with the results obtained, suggesting ways for further development. “I have low self-esteem, I need to raise it” – what is it about? Either you have achievements and you can appreciate them, or you have not done anything. But then on what basis do you say that you have it understated, and not adequate?
“I didn’t achieve anything” may be a perfectly adequate self-assessment. It would be more adequate to say: “I did not achieve anything from what I planned.” Even more adequate: “I did not do anything that I planned, so I did not achieve anything” or “I did this and that, but did not achieve my goals.” As they become more specific, many notice that the level of anxiety decreases. Moreover, the wider the generalization, the stronger the discomfort. This is no coincidence. Because when generalizing, the assessment of one’s own activities and qualities is transformed into a global sentence.
“I have not achieved anything, and therefore I am a nonentity” is already a substitution of self-esteem for self-attitude. Self-esteem turns from a private judgment into a judgment on existence itself. “The results of my activities are disappointing” are transformed into “I do not deserve to exist in this world, since the results of my activities are disappointing.” And that’s it: the little joys of life disappear because they “didn’t deserve it.” You have no right to rejoice in the May rain, the bright sun and summer, close people and thousands of other “little things”, because all this must be earned, to become someone who has the right to do this.
No matter what happens in the world and with you, you are. Even if you have not reached the heights of success, you are, you exist, and this is good news. You can always start again. You have time.
“When my father died, I was completely at a loss, and severe pain seized me … There was a feeling that life would freeze in the next moment and the world would disappear … But the sun, to my surprise, continued to shine. It was incomprehensible to me … This light of the spring sun was not easy to endure. “The sun continues to shine in the sky, and my father is dead!” – flashed through my head. And I saw the wind blowing the leaves, I heard the birds sing, and it was as if nothing had happened. And gradually, very gradually, the world around me began to talk to me, and I heard: “Despite everything, you live, you are …” Alfried Lenglet
It is very important to realize that self-relationship and self-esteem are two completely different categories. And that you can evaluate yourself as much as you like, but do not translate self-esteem into self-attitude. If we question our right to live because we do not have something or we have not achieved something, then we will face total self-denial, the extreme form of which is suicide.
The very fact of the birth of a new living being on the planet is already a decisive statement of Life in the face of the indifferent Cosmos: “I exist, and I am recreated in millions of images!” This is the natural state. Unnatural just – “I do not deserve …”. The misfortune of a person is that he is, perhaps, the only creature who can be directly instilled with this attitude and forced to justify himself to someone for his existence.