I am alone because…

Resigned: “I never meet anyone”

What is behind this. It’s true — she doesn’t really meet anyone. And risk nothing. She prefers to admit defeat before even starting to fight, and doesn’t want to deal with the potential dangers of dating. Denial, like armor, protects her from a complete lack of faith in herself. Her self-esteem is close to zero. However, if you press her a little, she will surely admit: “In any case, I am an empty place.”

What kind of mother hides behind this incessant self-abasement? Most likely, she still regularly says to her adult daughter: “You could meet someone if you only lost weight (stopped having a short haircut, was more feminine, communicated and had more fun …)” and who begins two phrases out of three with the words «My poor girl.»

To cope with suffering because she feels like a nobody, the Resigned one risks going from “I am a nobody” to “all men are theirs”. Oh, by the way, because that’s what my mother always said!

How to conquer your fear? Learn to trust yourself by realizing your worth and reading the book «She» by Robert Johnson (Cogito Center, 2005).

Anxious mother: «My children will never agree to this»

What is behind this. Hiding behind the interests of children, she refuses to enter into a new relationship, hides the fear of a new meeting. She has similarities with the Touchy and the Sister of Mercy: for her, being a mother is to some extent an alibi that allows her not to be a woman. But the problem is, later on, children can feel a lot of guilt about living apart and loving someone else because their mother failed to build her own life.

How to conquer your fear? Fighting your good intentions and motherhood. Having managed to return to his place and reading the book by Sybill Birkhäuser-Oeri “Mother. An archetypal image in a fairy tale” (Cogito-Center, 2006).

Independent: «I love my freedom too much»

What is behind this. She works hard, goes in for sports, runs around exhibitions and concerts, meets her friends, she doesn’t have a minute. There is simply no free space in the diary to write down: “Man!” In fact, she solves the problem from the wrong end: it is not her life that is overloaded, but she herself fills it to the brim so that there is no place for a man.

Why such a need for absolute control, a fear to relax and let go of the reins? Probably from her past, where there was an authoritarian, invading parent who judged and criticized her. Just as a little girl could not say «no» to this judgmental look, so an adult woman is afraid that she will not be able to say «no» to a man’s face. And batten down all the hatches.

How to conquer your fear? Having understood that the relationship between a woman and a man is not a power confrontation, having learned to say “no” and reading the book by Ekaterina Mikhailova “I am alone” (Klass, 2006).

Romantic: «I’m waiting for a prince»

What is behind this. The romantic person never grew up. She is stuck at the stage of childish belief in her own omnipotence, when it seems that you can get everything you want. She can be an amazing, brilliant, successful woman, versed in a variety of issues from different areas, but at the same time she turns out to be completely blind when faced with the reality of feelings.

She continues to wait for Prince Charming and dream of a castle in the air. She masks her fears with all the attributes of romance and at the same time lives in a total denial of everyday life. But the wait may be long, because if she does not go towards the man, the man will not go towards her. In any case, until she comes to terms with the fact that the handsome prince will inevitably turn out to be an ordinary person, with his own weaknesses and shortcomings … just like herself, by the way.

How to conquer your fear? Let’s face it: either go to the movies alone, or chat in a chat on a dating site. And reading the book by Jean-Claude Kaufman «A Single Woman and a Charming Prince» (U-Factoria, 2005).

Untouchable: «I don’t like sex»

What is behind this. She loves her job, she is surrounded by friends — in a word, she has excellent relationships with others. Until it comes to sex. She is not afraid of love, but of sexuality. However, this is common to all women who have had little or no sexual experience.

In the old days, having vowed to be together in sorrow or in joy, they met their fear in the arms of their husband. Today, they use the completely socially acceptable status of a single woman to mask their fear, passing it off as a lack of libido. But the more time passes, the deeper they drive their fear. In addition, our modern society, with its cult of hypersexuality, does not encourage them: the fear of not being able to reach the standards of orgasm is added to the previous fear, because of which the Touchy can also be condemned.

How to conquer your fear? Developing your body and your physical sensations through dance, sports, or body-oriented therapy and reading Deanora Pines, Woman’s Unconscious Use of Her Body. Psychoanalytic Approach” (East European Institute of Psychoanalysis, 1997).

Suffered: «I don’t want pain anymore»

What is behind this. She lost a man who died or abandoned her, or she abandoned him, but in any case, love is now associated with suffering. Or, on the contrary, she can not forget the amazing love story. Perhaps she cannot part with the image of the ideal man: father, brother, friend …

One way or another, she failed to accept and survive the past experience. Remaining a victim, she is not able to manage her life and is not ready for new experiences and encounters. Fascinated by her former love, she refuses a new relationship so as not to destroy the connection with her former lover. She is alone, but she is not alone. In any case, she is not yet ready for a new love.

How to conquer your fear? Making sense of their failed romances. By accepting my share of responsibility for these failures and by reading Tina Tessina, Riley K. Smith’s How to Couple and Stay Free (Phoenix, 2005).

Sister of Mercy: «I only come across losers»

What is behind this. The worst part is that it’s true. But this is largely her own fault — she thinks that only the one to whom she is useful can love her. In any situation, she is attracted to a man with an injured ego, and she tries to heal his narcissistic wound. But their tandem is based on suffering.

Loving a partner, a woman believes that by doing so she loves herself. But her partner turns out to be an energy vampire: he will feed on her as long as she has something to share with him. After that, he leaves her. Then she will begin to yearn and think: “After everything that I have done for him …”

Such an idea of ​​love does not arise without parental influence. Doesn’t she hear her mother constantly saying, “I don’t understand why you’re still alone. Do you have everything to make a man happy? But this is not about love, but about self-sacrifice.

How to conquer your fear? Regaining the ability to build your own life. Learning to be a slave of feeling, not another person and reading the book «Women who love too much» by Robin Norwood (Kind book, 2002).

Militant: «Men are afraid of me»

What is behind this. Of course, she causes fear in men, this Amazon, strong and self-confident. And no one notices that an offended girl is crying inside her. What grief from her childhood is an adult woman trying to help? Who does he seek revenge on: father, grandfather, brother, boss, his ex? Or did she, once seeing how her mother was humiliated, swore to herself: “This will never happen to me!”?

Because she refuses to acknowledge her need to live in a couple, she over-invests in her independence. She wants to build her own life and is convinced that no one is her equal. Some will say that she is too well settled. In fact, she constantly balances between two extremes: feelings of inferiority and superiority.

How to conquer your fear? Realizing that even before you become a thunderstorm of men, you can become a victim of yourself. Having come to terms with my past and reading Clarissa Pinkola Estes “Running with the Wolves. Female archetype in myths and legends” (Sofia, 2007).