Former anorexic, I had to fight against myself to accept the pounds of pregnancy
Anorexic. This label weighed on me for years. This disease, because it is indeed one, was my faithful companion from the age of 15 until I was 22. At 15, in fact, my life changed when I wanted to go on a diet before summer because I thought I had a few extra pounds. And in spite of myself, I fell into a terrible gear … I first eliminated foods such as cheese, chocolate, bread, butter, pasta, cakes, and ended up swallowing almost nothing or almost nothing. . I ate only the bare minimum so as not to fall, namely, for example, half a grapefruit in the morning, an apple at noon, and 0% cottage cheese in the evening. I ended up reaching a weight of 38 kg for 1,65 m. My period stopped, which was fine for me. It is true that I was always cold, I began to lose my hair, but I felt very well like that. My parents tried everything to get me out, but I was not aware that I was sick. I was in total denial: I even found myself super beautiful with my protruding bones while looking back, I know I was a walking skeleton.
After three years my health really deteriorated : I was very quickly out of breath, permanently tired, my blood pressure was very low: the doctors wanted to hospitalize me, I didn’t agree. But I didn’t have the strength to fight and I let it go. The first two hospitalizations were unsuccessful, but by the third I agreed to eat pretty well again. My period returned, I slowly regained the weight without making a big deal out of it, even if, in truth, I didn’t like it more than that. And then I had a meeting that transformed my life : I fell in love with a student from my university and luckily, it was mutual. It took me a long time to talk to him about my past with anorexia, I was so ashamed of those poor years. After two years of living together, Aurélien expressed the desire to have a child with me. I must say that I did not jump for joy. The idea scared me. What I feared was not becoming a mother, it was pregnancy. This was synonymous with weight gain and I could not imagine my body becoming deformed! Of course, these were undoubtedly a sequel to my long history of anorexia. Aurélien was trying to play down all this by telling me that I would be pretty as a heart with a little round belly … Over time, I got used to the idea, and a year later, I got pregnant. The day I saw that the pregnancy test was positive was a very happy moment, because I was still coming back from afar.
The start of my pregnancy went without too many problems, apart from some rather unpleasant nausea. I ate everything, I had fun, but things got more complicated at the end of the third month. Obviously, I started to gain weight and suddenly, I freaked out to death. It was totally irrational since I knew full well that I was going to put on weight. I had gained 3 kg, which is not excessive in itself, but suddenly, an uncontrollable fear came over me, that of becoming huge after nine months. My old demons were taking over! Panicked, I decided any minute to go on a diet. I knew I was going to do anything, but it was stronger than me. I wanted to gain the minimum of pounds during my pregnancy. Obviously, Aurélien, my mother, my doctor told me that it was madness, but nothing helped, I remained on my idea of a diet. I drastically reduced my diet for two months, as a result of the races, I stopped putting on weight. Fortunately for me and for my baby, I had an ultrasound in the fifth month. And there, the doctor told me that my baby was very small and especially that he had not gained any weight since the last ultrasound. He told me very gravely that it was dangerous for his future development. He explained to me that a woman should gain at least 7 kg during her pregnancy, which represents the weight of the fetus, placenta and amniotic fluid. He told me that I risked giving birth prematurely if I continued to eat almost nothing, and that even if I did reach term, my child would be very small, with all the complications that that entails. And there, it is as if this doctor had given me a huge blow on the head. I burst into tears and finally realized that I was putting my baby’s life in danger.
Very quickly, Aurélien urged me to review the psychotherapist who had followed me during my years of anorexia., and with his support, I was able to overcome this ordeal. Little by little, I fed myself normally again, without depriving myself, but without gorging myself either, and I gradually regained weight. Everything is back to normal, although every time I put on a kilo, I worried about all the effort I would have to put in to lose it. But when my baby started moving, I would forget everything else and savor the moment. I spoke to her very softly, stroking my stomach: “Don’t worry my love, mom will stop all her nonsense.” “
At the approach of childbirth, I had gained 10 kg, which is pretty reasonable for someone like me, who has been obsessed with her weight for so long. I still avoided looking too much at myself in the mirror because I did not recognize myself at all in the reflection of this woman with a big belly. Aurélien might tell me that I was gorgeous, I was dubious, to say the least. At last, I gave birth at term to a little Lola who weighed 3 kg. I was very proud of myself to have been able to give birth to this wonderful little girl, even though I felt guilty for a long time of having put her in danger during this period of early pregnancy that I call my “relapse”. Today, Lola is 2 and a half years old and is doing like a charm. I am very careful not to focus on what she eats or does not eat! Moreover, it is rather his father who now takes care of his meals. This was done in tacit agreement with him. Better to be careful, because I know I’m still fragile. As far as I’m concerned, coming out of the maternity ward, I didn’t feel terrible with the weight I had gained.
We do not remake! So as not to fall into my faults, I went to see a dietician and together we established balanced menus: “The watchword,” she said to me, “is not to starve yourself, eat things that make you happy and you will lose your pregnancy pounds little by little. ” It took about eight months to regain my pre-pregnancy weight and I was very happy like that. Today, I consider with serenity to give a little brother or a little sister to Lola in one or two years … And there, no question of diet. It is a word that I have banned from my vocabulary forever …