Contents
We teach children to distinguish between what is good and what is bad, and most often it is easy to draw a line between these concepts. But when it comes to motherhood, the boundary blurs, the demands grow, and it seems that one more step and you will become a bad mother.
What is a good mother and a bad one?
A woman raises three children, gets tired, yells at them, sometimes spanks (the father is deliberately not considered here, fathers are less likely to have “maternal neurosis”). Is this a good mother?
How can you answer without knowing the context? Maybe this woman is already working hard on herself, and what we see is a great result for her? Who knows what she went through, what traumas and inner fears she has already had to overcome?
We see only one thing: “Spanking. Screaming.”
And the woman herself also often sees only this. And then cats scratch inside: “Am I really bad? Maybe my child would be better off with a different mother? It is difficult to think about it, these are heavy doubts and thoughts. And it is much easier to choose the path of improvement – to try to be better and better every day. New methods of education, refraining from screaming and breakdowns – only so that the cats do not scrape at heart. But the more she tries to forbid herself from being “bad”, the more difficult it is to cope with her own emotions.
The well-known psychotherapist Donald Winnicott introduced a special term – “good enough mother”. This is a mother who proceeds from the needs of the child, correlates them with her own capabilities, and then already determines the maternal style.
In every situation where you have doubts about the quality of your own motherhood, think about:
- What needs do my child/children have here and now?
- What needs do I have here and now – as a woman, a person?
- Can I provide for these needs (both children’s and my own)?
- To what extent can I provide them?
- What help can I get?
maternal neurosis
Starting with pregnancy, the expectant mother gets a lot of reasons to feel bad. And with the advent of the child into the world, a flurry of information falls upon her. How many times on the street do strangers allow themselves to speak out about the stomach, the stroller, the child?
There are mothers who were taught as children to protect themselves and protect their boundaries, but more often such advice hurts a lot. And it’s impossible to do everything right. Every parenting style is subject to daily and hourly testing and criticism. Why do we get hurt by all these “Oh, mother, why didn’t you put a hat on your child?”. Three reasons.
1. Parental anxiety
They say that the times are disturbing – you can no longer let a child go for a walk alone in the yard. And for many mothers, anxiety for children is really increased. And then any nuance becomes a cause for concern – “Is it really possible to take off the hat?”, “What if I didn’t foresee everything?”.
No matter what the mother does, she can never satisfy all the demands, because they contradict each other.
And out of nowhere, the feeling of guilt grows. It is useless to drown it out, it can turn into psychosomatics or more serious disorders. It is better to consult a psychotherapist with the problem of anxiety.
2. Fatality of educational mistakes
Now women read a lot about pedagogy and education. Many people know about generational family scenarios. And this knowledge helps in some ways, but also burdens. There is a feeling of irreparability – all our mistakes with children are fatal, a breakdown will certainly lead to injury, lack of attention – to bad relationships, spoiled – to an unworthy future.
And when the thought “Nothing can be fixed already” is in the head, shame and guilt grow by leaps and bounds. Mistakes in education can be corrected. The child will even benefit from this.
For example, there was a breakdown. What’s the use here? Full of guilt and bitterness. But you can separate the situation and the breakdown itself and solve separately the emotional tasks and tasks of the situation that led to the breakdown, apologize to the child – because humiliating and offending is bad, and because it teaches the child that a breakdown (both your own and your mother’s) – not the end of the world, but an everyday situation from which you can adequately get out.
3. Demanding society
We are surrounded by many installations. For example: “It is necessary that the child be warmly dressed” or “It is necessary to temper the child, you cannot wrap it up.” Whatever the mother does, she can never satisfy all the demands, because they contradict each other.
And the advice falls into a blind zone – where it has not yet decided. Perhaps she herself regretted that she had not put on her hat. Maybe the kid put on a show because of that hat. To feel confident, you need to form your judgment. For example: “A hat is not needed at a certain temperature” or “I always put a hat on my child, but if it gets hot, I’ll take it off.” The more they are opposed to other people’s attitudes, the easier it is to be confident in your motherhood.
Mom’s medicine
A good mood, a resource state is a medicine for a mother who suddenly feels bad. Remember that in the recipe for a “good mother” there is a question about her own needs? This is a must have!
Sleep, relax, take a walk, draw, call a friend – find the opportunity to treat yourself every day, this will make motherhood more calm and kind.
About the Developer
Vera Vasilkova – systemic family psychotherapist.