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One minute late and they’re drenched in cold sweat! Some of us feel compelled to always arrive early for a date or business meeting. Even if it makes life difficult for them.
“I would like to say one day, like the White Rabbit from Alice in Wonderland: “I’m late! Oh, how late I am! 29-year-old Svetlana says quickly and explains: “I always arrive early. I just can’t do it any other way.” Svetlana comes to all meetings 20 minutes ahead of schedule. “For work meetings, this is rather good, but I could do just fine without having to wait for my friend for half an hour in ten degrees below zero!”
I reproduce family habits. “Accuracy is the politeness of kings” – this famous aphorism of Louis XVIII was a cult phrase in the Svetlana family. Having become an adult, she involuntarily continues to follow the attitude of her parents, for whom punctuality turned out to be almost the main value. Psychoanalyst Saverio Tomasella explains: “From the point of view of psychoanalysis, parental prescriptions, standards of behavior, moral values are included in the “superego” of each of us. This part of the personality structure functions as a censor regarding our thoughts and actions. Those who are never late unconsciously choose punctuality as the best way not to disappoint their parents, because they have not been able to separate from them. Such behavior, according to the psychoanalyst, may also testify to the altruistic values and respect for other people inspired in us in the first years of our life. “The feeling of unhappiness can be caused by the fact that we are afraid of embarrassing the other person and disrupting his plans if we are late.”
Pass the tests
- Why are you acting childish?
I’m too worried. For an anxious person, any means are good that will help to avoid stressful situations, including a disapproving look in case of being late. “Arriving early becomes a sort of safety mechanism,” explains psychotherapist Charly Cungi. The tendency to arrive early, he explains, may also be related to obsessive-compulsive disorder. There is a need to control everything. It seems that if you don’t arrive on time, misfortune will happen. And this ritual reduces anxiety.” It turns out that punctuality is the talisman of some anxious people.
I don’t appreciate myself. “Am I in love? Yes, because I’m waiting. The other never waits,” writes philosopher Roland Barthes1. Being late is a luxury that only someone who is sure that he is loved can afford. Arriving early may mean that we are afraid: what if we are “not valuable enough to be expected”? This is a sign of a lack of self-esteem, notes Charlie Kunzhi: “This behavior is akin to what in cognitive-behavioral therapy is called “unconditional schema”. Since I am convinced that I am worthless, the only thing left for me to do is to hide my lack of value by arriving early enough.”
Read more:
- I’m constantly late
My experience
Lydia, 34 years old, lawyer
“I lived in the suburbs for a long time, so I calculated the time of trips to the capital with a margin, including dates. I remember this endless waiting, followed by my young man’s remark: “Didn’t you wait too long?” I quickly answered, “No, no.”
Now I have a different life partner, and with him I began to come on time. It happened on its own. I knew he cared about me and that five minutes of waiting wouldn’t make him run away. It’s not worth adding that this is a man who always comes to the minute!”
What to do?
Don’t dramatize
Even if the habit of arriving everywhere ahead of time and does not look quite usual, there is nothing wrong with it. Early appearance shows how important the upcoming meeting is for us and how we look forward to it. Perhaps this is a sign of increased sensitivity, which allows us to easily imagine ourselves in the place of another person and understand their feelings.
Read more:
- 7 rules for communicating with a passive-aggressive interlocutor
provide
Waiting is sometimes more pleasant, sometimes less. Waiting in the sun in the park or sitting in a car in a cold parking lot are completely different things. So, it is better to make the waiting as pleasant as possible. If you schedule a meeting in a cafe and bring a good book with you, this will allow you to pass the waiting time without too much impatience and anxiety.
Advance Gradually
It is difficult to turn a lover to come in advance into a kopush. But you can reduce the waiting time. If we regularly arrive 20 minutes earlier than the scheduled time, we can leave the house 5 minutes later than usual. And next time – for 10 minutes. This practice of gradualness will allow us to notice that as the waiting time shortens, we are getting closer and closer to the very precision that Louis XVIII praised!
1 R. Barth “Fragments of a lover’s speech” (Ad Marginem, 2002).