Hysteria: the pain of the lost “I”

1. Hysteria can be described with a circle centered in the middle, like the Moscow metro, encircling the Kremlin. But at the central point of hysteria is not the Kremlin, but emptiness. This is the main thing in hysteria: there is nothing in the center. The person feels empty. This is an incredible state associated with great suffering.

Man does not have himself, does not find himself. He doesn’t know who he is. He doesn’t know what he really wants. The hysterical person suffers but does not understand why. He cannot embrace his suffering and tries by all means to alleviate it. And since he discovers nothing inside, he clings to the outside. He needs others, and he uses them to find something of himself in the mirror of others.

A person can be himself only if he develops “I”. If he can look into the eyes of another person. If other people see it, if they feel it and take it seriously. We need an “other” whom we can meet and who will meet us so that we can find out who we are.

If this does not happen, “I” remains a blank spot on the geographical map. We learn to drive a car, we play sports, we play musical instruments, we do math, but in all these activities there is no one we meet. We can do different things, but there is no center. For “I” another person is required.

The hysterical man in his development could not find himself, because he had too few meetings, people who really saw him, who devoted themselves to him, who devoted time to him, felt into him, shared his inner suffering. He was left alone. He has been seen too little. He was hurt, offended. And he closed. And so he remains unfamiliar to himself.

2. A hysterical person strives for others. But since it is empty inside, he does not know how to approach the other, and therefore the other person very quickly begins to feel used. The hysteric grabs people, manipulating them, and this is what prevents a real meeting. And those who are close to him do not take him seriously. They defend themselves, they go away and repeat the pain that is well known to him. In this way, he again provokes the suffering from which he wants to get rid of.

When there is only one tantrum, the hysterical features are not so visible. The hysterical manifests itself only in the presence of other people. Then he becomes greedy for communication, because he feels very well that he needs other people. Hysteria always takes place among people, where there is an audience, in contact with another person. When a hysterical person is alone, he has a gray face and seems dull.

3. What does the behavior of hysterical people look like? They often look like tornadoes: a lot of power, a whirlwind, but calm, quiet in the middle. They attract attention to themselves – with words, with a loud voice, clothes, cosmetics – and at the same time, as it were, alienate, distract from themselves. They seem to be screaming, “Look! But don’t look at me!” They don’t know what those who really look at them see. They think, “If they actually see me, they will leave.”

There is fear in their desire for attention. Therefore, the behavior of a hysterical person is difficult to grasp, like a slippery fish in water. The hysteric is here, but if I want to meet him, he immediately leaves – because there is a lot of fear there. And he constantly plays with the boundary between “to be” and “to seem.” He has more “seem” than “be”.

4. His words don’t match his emotions. For example, he recalls that his beloved cat was hit by a car, but talks about it with a smile. Or he talks a lot, but you can’t get the point. Lots of words and no content. He tends to think in black and white: either everything is super, or complete nonsense.

He willingly puts pressure on others. For example, he says: “You should definitely study psychology, come on!” He doesn’t even ask if you’re interested. He doesn’t really engage in dialogue. He often reproaches others, but he himself is never to blame for anything.

5. A hysteric often changes his mood, he is capricious. He considers his impulses to be a manifestation of the true “I”. These impulses he lives. He is manipulative and is like a flag that floats in the wind. He tries to say what you want to hear. For him, the content is not important, but the impression that he makes is important.

6. If people set boundaries, the hysteric tries to overcome them. Sometimes he can be very sweet, pleasant, and then very cruel and insensitive. For example, in the presence of guests, a mother may loudly say to her daughter: “Don’t act so stupid.” And the daughter is frightened, and the mother does not even notice it. It puts pressure, it hurts and scares people. The “I” of the daughter cannot be formed in such conditions. But the mother does not have her own “I” either – she only has impulses to be seen, to be paid attention to.

7. The hysteric is always selfish. Selfishness in this case is not a weakness of character, but a mental trouble. The hysteric does not have himself, but he needs himself, and everything must revolve around him. By doing so, he hopes to find a couple of straws to which he can grasp. He acts according to this algorithm: “I will tell you something now, and if you feel something, then I will experience the same emotions.” He needs the experiences of another person to replace the absence of his own.

The hysteric is afraid of real intimacy. He tries to impress and influence many people at once. He needs an audience, and by his behavior he turns both a partner and a family (if any) into “spectators”. And the audience should watch and applaud, but not get too close, and even more so not go up on stage.

8. Tantrums feel lost in this world. They are not attached, they are distant. They suffer because something is wrong. The basic feeling of the hysteric is hidden deep inside: “I am wrong, I am false. I don’t have to be who I am.” A hysterical person carries a very great pain.

We said that there is nothing in the innermost circle of the hysterical person. And this “nothing” is the anesthesia of pain. But in fact, under the cover is unbearable pain that has been dissociated. And so it is not felt. And since the pain is not felt, nothing is felt at all – the sensations are paralyzed.

9. Can we take a tantrum seriously? He makes a theater, he is not real, he exaggerates everything, he is excessive. If we say, “Stop the tantrum,” we will only hurt him. But if we play along, that won’t help either. We need to develop an attitude: “You have the right to be who you are, you should not be different, and I take you seriously, while I take myself seriously.”

The hysteric is like a flag, he will focus on us. “What is important to me now?”, “What do I want to say?”, “What is right for me and what is not?” You have to ask him what he thinks of himself. It is about self-worth and what has deprived him of self-worth. And about pain. About the fact that he was abandoned, abandoned. About injuries, insults, pressure.

Here he needs another, who slowly, gradually, smoothly moving in a spiral, will approach him, to this center where the “I” is located. But this “I” cannot be felt, felt, because there is a threatening pain there. Meeting a hysterical person can help us develop our own “middle” better, we can live it better, show it better. We can share it with other people. The suffering of a hysteric is a great challenge to us. And we can grow together in connection with this suffering.