Husband does not want to work — advice

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Natasha: He (husband) is a positive person, good, but not decisive. He has the same constitution as me: thin and very sick in childhood.

N.I. Kozlov: He is indecisive and you are indecisive…

Natasha: Depending on where I am indecisive …

N.I. Kozlov: Are any of you with a head?

Natasha: I, probably.

N.I. Kozlov: Well, then the responsibility is on you.

Natasha: Yes, on me. When he was little, everyone beat him …

N.I. Kozlov: You’re not talking about the past, but about now. You met — what was his condition? What did he do, what did he live? How much did you earn, what did you do?

Natasha: He received 50 thousand (they could not pay for two months). They had a construction office that used to do a lot of things ..

N.I. Kozlov: At work, did he play balls, play games or something? ..

Natasha: At work, he studied the brokerage system.

N.I. Kozlov: Is he a programmer?

Natasha: He worked as a 3D designer. But he can also work as a system administrator.

N.I. Kozlov: Was he looking for a part-time job?

Natasha: No.

N.I. Kozlov: Did you tell him to look for it?

Natasha: Yes.

N.I. Kozlov: How many days did he not find?

Natasha: I didn’t find anything. He was sitting, he had free time and he decided that he did not want to work «for his uncle.» He wants to make a lot of money right away. I, then and now, earn more than him.

NI: Did you take his projects seriously?

Natasha: No, I didn’t take it seriously.

N.I. Kozlov: Did you set deadlines for his projects?

Natasha: Yes. God.

N.I. Kozlov: Did it suit you to feed him for a year?

Natasha: I don’t feed him, but he gets 50 thousand … he spends practically nothing on himself.

N.I. Kozlov: Did it suit you that your husband was doing garbage?

Natasha: At that time, yes.

N.I. Kozlov: Did it ever stop arranging?..

Natasha: Then I told him to quit. I thought that when he quit, he would have to quickly look for something.

N.I. Kozlov: Did he quit?

Natasha: Quit.

N.I. Kozlov: What did you do?

Natasha: That was a year and a half ago.

N.I. Kozlov: You told him to “resign” and what to do next?

Natasha: We will look for work.

N.I. Kozlov: «We will»?

Natasha: You will..

N.I. Kozlov: You painted the functionality: what do you do, what does he do?

Natasha: He sends out resumes and looks at work.

N.I. Kozlov: Did you look through his daily affairs? How much did he do in a day?

Natasha: Yes.

N.I. Kozlov: Did that suit you?

Natasha: At first it suited me: he sent out resumes. And then it happened that there was an option to buy an apartment, and we bought it. Together. I pushed a little, because he had an apartment in Cheboksary. He said «ok, I’ll do it, and you take a loan.» I took out a mortgage, and then it became difficult for me: he doesn’t earn anything, I have a big workload. And I started freaking out.

N.I. Kozlov: Did you have a plan — what to do?

Natasha: The plan was this: either goodbye, or do something. And he said that he would sell that apartment.

N.I. Kozlov: Did that decision suit you?

Natasha: At that time, yes. He said that as soon as he sold that one, he would start getting a job.

N.I. Kozlov: He sold it, everything suited you. Did a good job.

Natasha: Yes. We now live in an apartment. And that is all. And he started getting sick.

N.I. Kozlov: I’m wondering if he had the opportunity to look for a job? Because if he fell ill and lay unconscious, then, probably, he did not have such an opportunity. Or was?

Natasha: He lay with the flu for two weeks. If I were in his place, then I, having recovered from illness, would look for a job.

N.I. Kozlov: So he had the opportunity?

Natasha: It was.

N.I. Kozlov: And he didn’t do it?

Natasha: No.

N.I. Kozlov: And you allowed it?

Natasha: Yes.

N.I. Kozlov: Who is responsible?

Natasha: I.

N.I. Kozlov: Great. When did you take up your head … or have you not taken it yet?

Natasha: I started to worry …

N.I. Kozlov: Worried or thinking with your head?

Natasha: I started thinking with my head .. 3 months ago.

N.I. Kozlov: What did it mean?

Natasha: I started to encourage him to start sending out resumes.

N.I. Kozlov: Did he start doing it?

Natasha: Yes, I did.

N.I. Kozlov: Has he begun to work as he should?

Natasha: In my opinion, not so.

N.I. Kozlov: Did you let that happen?

Natasha: I had conversations with him.

N.I. Kozlov: Did you conduct conversations or did you get him to start behaving properly?

Natasha: … Conducted conversations …

N.I. Kozlov: Does it suit you — just to have conversations, than to achieve results?

Natasha: It doesn’t suit me, that’s why I came. Last week, there was a turn of events, we talked with him, he said that I would always get twice as much as he did, and he fell into a complete depression.

N.I. Kozlov: What about work now? Was he offered something?

Natasha: Yes. I accidentally learn from a friend that she needs a sysadmin.

N.I. Kozlov: So everything is all right now?

Natasha: Yes, if they take him, then everything is in order now.

N.I. Kozlov: Do you now want to discuss the option if it is not accepted?

Natasha: Yes.

N.I. Kozlov: Is there such a possibility?

Natasha: Yes.

N.I. Kozlov: Good. He tells you «did not take.»

Natasha: The situation is returning: he starts sending out resumes and he is refused everywhere.

N.I. Kozlov: Do you have a picture of how he should act if he becomes smart, active, energetic.

Natasha: Yes.

N.I. Kozlov: Did you tell him how he should act?

Natasha: She said, but he doesn’t do that.

N.I. Kozlov: What will you do to make him do it? I have a very simple solution. Does he have breakfast, lunch, dinner? Who feeds him?

Natasha: But he paid more for the apartment than me ..

N.I. Kozlov: Say: “we are getting a divorce, we are sharing an apartment. I don’t need a parasite. And I want to help you, I love you. Therefore, if you earn for breakfast, I feed you. And I will love you all my life. You will be engaged in bullshit — this is not a man, and I do not need this.

Natasha: If you talk to him like that, then he becomes completely depressed …

N.I. Kozlov: How is it? He won’t have dinner?

Natasha: It will.

N.I. Kozlov: Whose money?

Natasha: I will make a reservation that he sometimes works as a 3D designer and earns 20-25 thousand in three months.

N.I. Kozlov: Does such a husband suit you?

Natasha: Well… no.

N.I. Kozlov: Tell him that.

Natasha: I already told him, he was offended.

N.I. Kozlov: Bring him here, I’ll explain everything to him.

Natasha: I will. In everyday life, he will help to do everything, he’s just afraid to lean out into the street.

N.I. Kozlov: If you love him, will you let him rot?

Natasha: So I couldn’t understand: if you love, it means taking care of him, so that he is comfortable at home. He seems to be doing business: reading the news …

N.I. Kozlov: Engaged in business or bullshit?

Natasha: He thinks it’s a matter of…

N.I. Kozlov: Is he right? If you are not sure, talk to him, consult smart people. You never know, you’re wrong.

Natasha: I would like him to behave differently …

N.I. Kozlov: Would you like to, or should a self-respecting and respected man behave differently? How many hours a day does he work intelligently and vigorously?

Natasha: Now he was given a part-time job, and he works for 5-6 hours.

N.I. Kozlov: Is that okay?

Natasha: Well, yes, it’s fine.

N.I. Kozlov: And I work 16 hours every day.

Natasha: Me too.

N.I. Kozlov: Is he a parasite or something, or does he not love you?

Natasha: Well, he cooks, cleans…

N.I. Kozlov: Do we consider this or not?

Natasha: I can, of course, myself …

N.I. Kozlov: Then — does it work?

Natasha: If with work, then an hour more.

N.I. Kozlov: Still not enough. What is he doing the rest of the time?

Natasha: The Internet is watching.

N.I. Kozlov: Doing nothing.

Natasha: To be honest, yes.

N.I. Kozlov: And you admit it? And this is called love?

Natasha: That’s the point: paternal and maternal love. He is afraid that he will come out and get sick right away. And he needs to meet new people, and this makes him feel very bad too.

N.I. Kozlov: Where will he go out and get sick?

Natasha: Get to work.

N.I. Kozlov: Do people who go to work get sick? Did he read it on the Internet? Is that what you say, or does he say that?

Natasha: He’s talking. Indeed, his health is average.

N.I. Kozlov: Can going outside be accompanied by a disease?

Natasha: Maybe.

N.I. Kozlov: Can you name a person whose going out into the street cannot be accompanied by diseases? Anyone can.

Natasha: Then I understood. I just thought maybe I’m crazy, and I want him to work wrong … Do you think that a man should work?

N.I. Kozlov: Three years passed before you decided to ask. If your child gets sick, you will also have to wait three years before going to the doctor.

Natasha: No, right away.

N.I. Kozlov: Interesting…

Natasha: Well, when no one married, but here …

N.I. Kozlov: From what we have just discussed, have you drawn any conclusions or not?

Natasha: What do you think that a man should work and provide for his family.

N.I. Kozlov: Is that your conclusion?

Natasha: Yes.

N.I. Kozlov: Is that your only conclusion, that “I think so” and “I am sure of it”?

Natasha: For now, yes.

N.I. Kozlov: Then the conversation is empty, right?

Natasha: I don’t understand.

N.I. Kozlov: You learned something about me. And about yourself?

Natasha: I decided to myself … it turns out that I make demands on someone … A man provides for his family.

N.I. Kozlov: And regardless of whether he gets a job now or not, will you look at him like that every day?

Natasha: What does it mean to look at him like that? How should it be conveyed to him? I tried to swear, it’s no use.

N.I. Kozlov: Let’s play with you. What’s his name?

Natasha: Artem.

N.I. Kozlov: «Artem, do you love me?»

Natasha: «Well, yes …»

N.I. Kozlov: «Well, yes» or «yes»?

Natasha: Well, I hope so…

N.I. Kozlov: Will he answer “I hope” like that?

Natasha: I don’t know how he will answer, because when we started living together, we didn’t have strong love. And now…

N.I. Kozlov: And you ask, maybe he doesn’t love. And you will just know.

Natasha: Well, what is love … Probably, he wants to live with me together.

N.I. Kozlov: «You like me, and you want to live with me.»

Natasha: «Yes.»

N.I. Kozlov: «I like you too, and I want to live with you.» The second question is: “Am I your decent and caring wife?”

Natasha: Yes.

N.I. Kozlov: “And what kind of husband are you?”

Natasha: «Caring.»

N.I. Kozlov: «Why do you think so?»

Natasha: «Because I’m looking for a job, I’m sending out resumes … I take care of you so that you feel good.»

N.I. Kozlov: «That’s true. If I take care of you for 5 minutes a day, will I be caring?

Natasha: «No.»

N.I. Kozlov: “And if I work for our family for 10 hours, am I caring?”

Natasha: «Well, yes.»

N.I. Kozlov: “How caring are you?”

Natasha: «I’m trying…»

N.I. Kozlov: “Of course you try. How much are you trying?

Natasha: «As I can, I try.»

N.I. Kozlov: «A number, man.»

Natasha: “I’ve been sitting all day…”

N.I. Kozlov: “6 hours. Yes?»

Natasha: “Well, yes, I’ve been sitting all day. Now there is a job…”

N.I. Kozlov: “The whole day or 6 hours? All day — 16 hours: 24 — 8. Out of 16 hours, how much do you take care of the family?

Natasha: «What do you mean by ‘take care of the family’?»

N.I. Kozlov: “For example, you cook food — this is a concern. I respect you for this and appreciate you very much. You take care of yourself and your family when you’re looking for a job. I appreciate it very much. How many hours a day?

Natasha: «I have to count, I don’t know.»

N.I. Kozlov: He will calculate, and he will get 5-6 hours. Yes?

Natasha: On average, yes.

N.I. Kozlov: Cool, he tells you the next day: «I calculated — 6 hours.»

Natasha: We need to explain what to count, because he really thinks that if he really surfs the Internet and reads the news about new phones, about something else, then he also works.

N.I. Kozlov: Let him record what he is doing every 15 minutes.

Natasha: «I don’t want to do that.»

N.I. Kozlov: “And I ask you, what do you want or not? People have responsibilities at work … You will explain to the boss “I want or don’t want” … »

Natasha: «Then it turns out you control me.»

N.I. Kozlov: “Of course. And you must control me…”

Natasha: «I don’t like being controlled.»

N.I. Kozlov: “Darling, who is asking you? I will now go for a walk to the left, and will you control me or not? I hope if you love, you will control. And we will have children, will you not control them? And who are you after that, if you do not control your own children?

Natasha: I wonder what he will respond to the fact that I control him …

N.I. Kozlov: Of course. Close people have such a duty: to control, care for, answer for each other. We are not distant, not indifferent. If we are insignificant to each other, we do not control.

Natasha: “Then I will formally say: I sent a resume, it took me 1 hour. No one is hiring me.»

N.I. Kozlov: “Great. How many hours do you spend taking care of the family?”

Natasha: If we assume that he had no work for 2 months, then zero. Those. 1 hour to prepare food.

N.I. Kozlov: “So, do you have any reserves?”

Natasha: «What should I do?»

N.I. Kozlov: «Take a piece of paper and write down what you will do.»

Natasha: “What if I don’t have a job?”

N.I. Kozlov: We are leaving the game, and now a question for you: do you have an instruction, a vision, a program — what should he do?

Natasha: There is a little…

N.I. Kozlov: Natasha, if you don’t know what you want from your husband, then don’t pester a good person. And if you know, then dictate and let him do it. Can you figure out what he should do? Let’s do this: in the week it will become clear whether he will get a job?

Natasha: He has an interview on Friday, and it depends on how much they think.

N.I. Kozlov: What will he do before the interview?

Natasha: He was given a modeling job from home.

N.I. Kozlov: Does he have a big task or can he do nothing?

Natasha: The task is normal, big, just for a week.

N.I. Kozlov: All right then. Let’s agree: if he goes to work and starts working, and even though you both remain stupid, but at least somehow your question is closed. The chief presses him, and you have less trouble.

Natasha: Well, yes.

N.I. Kozlov: If suddenly they don’t hire him, if they don’t hire him, then who should be the boss?

Natasha: I.

N.I. Kozlov: Then you come with him and talk.

Natasha: Okay, I understand. I just don’t understand if he really wants to or is cunning. He says that now the modern world, and a woman should already earn. And he has no such responsibility. I am for myself, he is for himself. I say «what about the children?»

N.I. Kozlov: Are these abstract questions?

Natasha: Probably, yes. I realized that I cannot get into the inner world of another person and remake it. He needs to come here himself. If he thinks he shouldn’t…

N.I. Kozlov: Is it important to you what he thinks or what he does?

Natasha: What he does. But if he thought inside, he would do it.

N.I. Kozlov: Let’s do this: it is important for you that he does. And what “he thinks” is important to you insofar as what he does not do.

Natasha: I agree. Yes, it’s easier. Thanks, understood. My methods for 2 years: Artemochka, let’s write a plan, let’s call here, and for the courses — let me pay … He wants, but does not …

N.I. Kozlov: But you will have children, will you be the same stupid?

Natasha: With children? Not…

N.I. Kozlov: And why is it so: stupid with her husband, but not with children?

Natasha: Well, firstly, I didn’t think that my husband and I were stupid.

N.I. Kozlov: What do you think now?

Natasha: I think so, because I was not sure of myself: what if he leaves after such an appeal? And I’ll be alone again.

N.I. Kozlov: Decide, if you need such a husband, then it’s fine. Then rejoice, at least there is a “vegetable”.

Natasha: So my mother says. She has already eaten me for these 2 years.

N.I. Kozlov: How will you be with the child?

Natasha: I will control the child.

N.I. Kozlov: And if a child tells you “you are not a mother, but a stepmother”?

Natasha: Why?

N.I. Kozlov: A husband can say anything to you, and he will not rust after a child. “Mom, why are you controlling me, you don’t love me…”

Natasha: «I love you, that’s why I control you.» I tried to control my husband, but it was ineffective. It was necessary to look for more effective methods, and not wait 3 years. I knew what he was doing, but I kept waiting that «now he will take up his mind.»

N.I. Kozlov: Natasha, do you work at the Distance?

Natasha: Yes.

N.I. Kozlov: Can you name what your personal characteristics allowed your stupidity in relations with your husband.

Natasha: Self-doubt.

N.I. Kozlov: Right. What quality should you have that you should develop at the Distance so that you can be decisive and confident in the future with anyone?

Natasha: Self-confidence.

N.I. Kozlov: How are you going to work it out?

Natasha: Take some kind of exercise … Probably so «so that no one sees that I’m not sure.» At least outwardly…

N.I. Kozlov: I can give you a bunch of exercises to develop determination and confidence.

Natasha: Yes, let’s go. I didn’t think about confidence.

N.I. Kozlov: Write it down. Exercise «Eye to eye» During the conversation, you often averted your eyes …

Natasha: It just seems to me that this is impudence: to look into the eyes all the time.

N.I. Kozlov: I looked into your eyes for a long time?

Natasha: Long time no see.

N.I. Kozlov: Was it impudent?

Natasha: No.

N.I. Kozlov: Now where were your eyes? There. And Marina and I look into each other’s eyes. Practice with your husband. Can you with others…

2nd exercise: while holding «eye to eye» make 2 internal gestures: with the left hand «hook», with the right hand «stroking».

3rd exercise: «Decisive movements.» Did you see how you just reached for the phone and brought it to your ear? It’s so explosive…

Natasha: I thought I was fussing …

N.I. Kozlov: Maybe fussy, but the movements were vague, indecisive. In order to make decisive movements more confidently, remember, maybe play it at home: have you ever eaten meat or beaten it?

Natasha: Yes.

N.I. Kozlov: What hand movements? Remember. When a woman works like that, she has such confidence in her hand, and such good eyes. And so that when you talked with your husband, remember how you beat the meat. What is your condition when you beat meat?

Natasha: Resolute.

N.I. Kozlov: Next is the “Ha!” exercise, because you have a quiet voice. Not just “Ha!” But “Ham!” So ​​that you “ham” calmly say to any person, and nothing trembles in you.

And in your imagination, live a situation where you live without a husband, that he left you, said that you are a fool, unloving, useless, stupid, you will never marry with such an evil character, and you are also greedy, selfish. So that this situation is absolutely normal, natural, not problematic for you. It is clear that we protect our husband, for some reason we need him, but if suddenly the decision comes to leave, then we are sad — about him. And not about us, because everything is fine with us.